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How Are You Feeling Right Now?

I feel relatively calm in spite of my health issues and concerns. No contact from GP, and going to change practice via NHS app next week which will put me in limbo for a bit while the records transfer, but enough is enough. I do always have my method at the back of my mind, it tends to make me feel calmer - if I lose enough control, a way of regaining control is there. The scary thing is, at some point I will have to make a choice if it looks like my mobility/ability to access my method might be taken away from me because then I might have to make a pre-emptive strike, so to speak. Am not close to that right now, but I can see various paths branching off from here that could take me closer to it relatively quickly.
I think its a really good idea to change practices - keep on them, the 'we are closed' is pretty standard if you catch them and they are at lunch for example. It's a good idea to find out the opening hours, as many practices are say closed on a Wednesday afternoon. Keep with it and i would keep at then.
 

Suyon

paranoid poetry archive
It’s been like 4 days that I’ve felt neutral.
not happy, not sad either.

It’s weird because it feels like no emotion is really in control. Nothing feels heavy anymore. Nothing really excites me either...
Just this vague, quiet emptiness.
And it made me reflective tonight.
I kept thinking about myself. About things. About time passing.
Thinking too much, honestly...
Because when sadness comes, at least it comes strong.
But when nothing comes at all… sometimes it feels worse.
 

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻 u r warned!
SF Supporter
I want to die, but I've lost too much of my self-efficacy to be able to take that much initiative. It feels like I would just fail at that, too.
I hate this. I hate myself. I hate feeling amazed at how much shit I can go through and still see it get worse.
I feel like this is punishment for thinking that unemployment would be the worst thing that could happen to me. It's not losing the job that hurts so much as the not even being able to try to get another one.
I'm pointless. I have no productive role in society, minimal family, and 95% of my friends are only thru a computer screen.

I was doing better for a few days there. What comes up must come down, I guess. Too bad the reverse is not also true.
 

JanisSPK

Well-Known Member
I want to die, but I've lost too much of my self-efficacy to be able to take that much initiative. It feels like I would just fail at that, too.
I hate this. I hate myself. I hate feeling amazed at how much shit I can go through and still see it get worse.
I feel like this is punishment for thinking that unemployment would be the worst thing that could happen to me. It's not losing the job that hurts so much as the not even being able to try to get another one.
I'm pointless. I have no productive role in society, minimal family, and 95% of my friends are only thru a computer screen.

I was doing better for a few days there. What comes up must come down, I guess. Too bad the reverse is not also true.
*brohug
 

AvidFan

Retired Cat Staff
SF Supporter
I want to die, but I've lost too much of my self-efficacy to be able to take that much initiative. It feels like I would just fail at that, too.
I hate this. I hate myself. I hate feeling amazed at how much shit I can go through and still see it get worse.
I feel like this is punishment for thinking that unemployment would be the worst thing that could happen to me. It's not losing the job that hurts so much as the not even being able to try to get another one.
I'm pointless. I have no productive role in society, minimal family, and 95% of my friends are only thru a computer screen.

I was doing better for a few days there. What comes up must come down, I guess. Too bad the reverse is not also true.
I hope you can do better again. Sorry you're feeling so down, hope you can go up a bit from here. I hope the equine volunteering can still be helpful for you.
 

Lane

SF Pro
SF Supporter
I feel like the universe hates me. I can never do anything right and fail at everything. I have to be jinxed. Hell, I think the animals can sense the bad luck around me. I'm not an evil person because only good things happen to them. Nor am I good. I'm nothing. Just a fool who lived too long. I have no voice in this world.
Please be gentle with yourself @Deadsoon. The world canbe a harsh place. Your voice matters.
 

Lane

SF Pro
SF Supporter
Only got three day notice for when they need to get in to the apartment and change windows. I was supposed to have at least a week. And I have to do a lot more than was mentioned earlier. Don’t know how I’m going to get this done.

Well, I’ll start with something.
Good luck getting your place in order. You can do it, a little at a time. *console
 
My sister messaged me with a full face of makeup and her hair done ready to go out but she was sad lying on her bed because my parents were quite harsh warning her some crazy extremist Muslim might attack her specially now with the unstable situation in the country.
It’s been half an hour and I’m still crying seeing her feeling that down. You see she is a young woman and deserves to do what she loves. She loves makeup and doing her hair. And it’s VERY VERY hard to be respectful toward that religion for me at this point.
 

Lane

SF Pro
SF Supporter
I want to die, but I've lost too much of my self-efficacy to be able to take that much initiative. It feels like I would just fail at that, too.
I hate this. I hate myself. I hate feeling amazed at how much shit I can go through and still see it get worse.
I feel like this is punishment for thinking that unemployment would be the worst thing that could happen to me. It's not losing the job that hurts so much as the not even being able to try to get another one.
I'm pointless. I have no productive role in society, minimal family, and 95% of my friends are only thru a computer screen.

I was doing better for a few days there. What comes up must come down, I guess. Too bad the reverse is not also true.
I hope things get better for you @LumberJack. I dont think you're pointless but a man with intelligence and kindness.
 

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻 u r warned!
SF Supporter
I hope things get better for you @LumberJack. I dont think you're pointless but a man with intelligence and kindness.
Thank you. I’m doing better today after finally deciding to keep trying different things and see what works, and then iterate from there.

I know I have a tendency towards learned helplessness. I get frustrated and feel doomed. This becomes a self-reinforcing feedback loop, which is I guess why it’s called “spiraling.” Underneath the spiral is an array of unmet needs that is overwhelming. I cannot manage those unmet needs right now. I need to shift to putting one foot in front of the other.

I will need to get clearer on the big picture of what I can do with the rest of my life. For right now, though, I can say that I still need to do the laundry and pay bills no matter what that turns out to be, so I am starting here.
 

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