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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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Nervous. Still unstable. My therapist said that I should refrain from strenuous exercise. I did not really believe her, but it turns out right after a session mind my mind was all over the place again. I should also stop listening to energetic music. I'll try to stick to classical music... My god what's going on with my brain. Where am I?
Like a complete slob. I have been indulging through the last three days; it hit a new low today. i have likely undone weeks' worth of appetite control effort.
Surrender I to this. If I could self-criticize from an honest place I might not need to. However, the way my mind works, I know I have almost always based self-criticism on faking that I'm better, instead of on actual self-awareness and contrition.That is, looking inward in my mind, and imagining an existential jury beholding me, still denying that this is "really me", and pushing, even while blatantly smothered in the filth of my failing and wrong choice, that I am separate from the me that madeit.
This time I forgo that fraud. I accept I am one with this failure. I am a pile of gorging carbon; the gorging pile that ate, and lazed. This might be a microcosm of what I must admit to myself in order to actually earn chances at redemption for my unforgivabilities.
Surrender I to this. If I could self-criticize from an honest place I might not need to. However, the way my mind works, I know I have almost always based self-criticism on faking that I'm better, instead of on actual self-awareness and contrition.That is, looking inward in my mind, and imagining an existential jury beholding me, still denying that this is "really me", and pushing, even while blatantly smothered in the filth of my failing and wrong choice, that I am separate from the me that madeit.
This time I forgo that fraud. I accept I am one with this failure. I am a pile of gorging carbon; the gorging pile that ate, and lazed. This might be a microcosm of what I must admit to myself in order to actually earn chances at redemption for my unforgivabilities.
We're concerned how you are doing @AvidFan, and I hope the imaging procedure is easily accomplished, and comfortable. It'll probably show all is well. If they knew you've just been walking more than a third of the way across the U.S., I wonder if they'd see that as a positive.
Sorry about your sister's apparent lack of, well, familial love. I understand; I have siblings with whom I've stopped communicating in order to protect my mental health.
Sorry about your sister's apparent lack of, well, familial love. I understand; I have siblings with whom I've stopped communicating in order to protect my mental health.
It seems to me three week's of control is to be commended, that's a long time. Sorry you feel bad about the last three days. You're a worthy individual like anyone else - with some faults, mistakes etc. I think someone here was saying they allow for a day of indulgence each week while eating healthy the other days. That seems a balanced approach.
It's also evidence based (I think). I have seen the concept of a "cheat day" in multiple fat-loss programs. Most competitive body builders will do it once a month or even less, but they do have cheat days. At least that was what I read on the bodybuilding fora in the early 2000s. I'm too old for that now, and I never got to competition level, but I did like getting in shape.
I know that, for myself, I had to unlearn the habit of beating myself up over setbacks. Some setbacks are unavoidable. Others, like a return to overeating, are more voluntary.
I have gotten advice to treat my mind as a puppy - when it goes wandering off, it should be lifted up and then gently placed back in the spot it belongs. Eventually after enough times getting put back in a certain spot, the puppy will learn to stay in that spot for longer periods of time.
I would never yell at or kick the shit out of a puppy for any reason, so why would I do that to myself? It's going to work in about the same way, namely as backfiring. The puppy, and my volition, ends up afraid of me and retreating or showing aggression any time I try to interact. Again, this is just me and I predict that I am unable to convince you to go easier on yourself.
It's just that I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up. When I was younger (all the way back in my 30s, lol), people would tell me over and over, and in multiple peer groups, that I'm being too hard on myself.
Unfortunately I was beating myself up because I had never known any different. What they didn't say is why. Later on I was in a new peer group and one of them would beat himself up over and over. When you see someone you like beating up on themselves, it's painful because you are seeing that person beating up on your friend! After that I stopped beating myself up by imagining how I wish that friend would treat himself, and then doing that on my side. It didn't happen immediately as is the same for any habit. However, I eventually made friends with myself. Surprisingly I had better success controlling my choices and actions from then on.
I have gotten advice to treat my mind as a puppy - when it goes wandering off, it should be lifted up and then gently placed back in the spot it belongs. Eventually after enough times getting put back in a certain spot, the puppy will learn to stay in that spot for longer periods of time.
I would never yell at or kick the shit out of a puppy for any reason, so why would I do that to myself? It's going to work in about the same way, namely as backfiring. The puppy, and my volition, ends up afraid of me and retreating or showing aggression any time I try to interact. Again, this is just me and I predict that I am unable to convince you to go easier on yourself.
It's just that I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up. When I was younger (all the way back in my 30s, lol), people would tell me over and over, and in multiple peer groups, that I'm being too hard on myself.
Unfortunately I was beating myself up because I had never known any different. What they didn't say is why. Later on I was in a new peer group and one of them would beat himself up over and over. When you see someone you like beating up on themselves, it's painful because you are seeing that person beating up on your friend! After that I stopped beating myself up by imagining how I wish that friend would treat himself, and then doing that on my side. It didn't happen immediately as is the same for any habit. However, I eventually made friends with myself. Surprisingly I had better success controlling my choices and actions from then on.
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Feeling better today. Less of the intrusive thoughts. I was driving a decent distance this morning. I noticed my anger at anyone who wasn’t driving the way I need them to. I was able to see that I am just poisoning myself with a load of cortisol, and there is no upside. So I tried to see if I could lower my expectations to where my reality was. I had moderate success. 
I have these teachings about ceasing the cause of suffering in my brain but I was able to use them in real time! It seems like traffic is good training exercise for accepting what is. It is not terrible if I fail, so there’s less pressure to get it 100% right. However since I put conscious effort into driving better, I arrived in a far more relaxed state than my usual tendency to come in from the road with my face red from irritation and my heart pounding in my ears.
I have these teachings about ceasing the cause of suffering in my brain but I was able to use them in real time! It seems like traffic is good training exercise for accepting what is. It is not terrible if I fail, so there’s less pressure to get it 100% right. However since I put conscious effort into driving better, I arrived in a far more relaxed state than my usual tendency to come in from the road with my face red from irritation and my heart pounding in my ears.
Apprehensive. Another bad night sleep-wise last night and expect the same tonight. It's so "normal" now it's barely worth commenting on. I just don't sleep any more. In any case tomorrow I have the morning reserved for my hospital imaging appointment. Not that nervous about the imaging itself, more the having to get to a hospital 2 bus rides away on a sprawling site, having to get to the right part of the site or face a huge walk, and then dealing with waits and medical staff. I really don't like hospitals. Then straight to city for meetings in the afternoon, so it's going to be a long day. Also feel pretty tired as you might expect. On the good side, the current antibiotics are keeping my infection at bay, the problem is there have been so many things wrong with me I don't know where one ends and the other begins and the doctors want to put everything in one neat little box - which when the pelvic area is involved, and nerves, there isn't really a simple diagnosis. Anyway, wishing everyone a good evening if possible ❤️
I'm not doing too well. I'm deep in my depression and I've been hiding it from my closest friends. But... I think they know. I feel numb most of the time and my body dysmorphia is not helping. The only things that are keeping me alive right now is how much it will impact people if I leave, the gym gives me at least 2 hours of solace, this forum even though I only post whenever I'm not doing well because I do everything in my power when I am well to forget I even have depression... That never works. Also, the thing that really scares me is my abandonment wounds.