How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[JanisSPK]

I feel like an idiot. And worthless. And afraid for my state of mind.
Ok, I'm in the first real day of it all. Neatly packing his things which didn't get taken yesterday, putting it in the garage to protect his belongings that remain.....I will not take the blame for what is happening. I will take responsibility for things that are mine to take but I will not have someone pointing a finger at me saying it is all my doing. He is a quiet man and doesn't share a lot regarding emotions and mental state. He said he had mental issues the first couple of months we met, he never stated specifically but I knew depression was a part of his story along with other wounds (that we all carry) and my silly assessment said to my mind that therapy would be enough, along with providing a safe environment and some security and caring from me. The caring that was present that he said he had never received in his life.....

I have learned an extremely valuable lesson about how very little I know and I intuitively know and hopefully believe that if I stay open to lessons that are to be had and will unfold that it will grow and ease and expand me. I just have to make the choices to get out of my own way.

And I have to learn again how to be alone (not in a relationship) This is not going to be easy on any level.

 

[may71]

@JanisSPK
You're wonderful, smart, and worthwhile. I hope there's a way you can see that in yourself.

Sending hugs if you would like hugs

 

[JanisSPK]

@JanisSPK
You're wonderful, smart, and worthwhile. I hope there's a way you can see that in yourself.

Sending hugs if you would like hugs

Thank you May. I’m holding onto that as I head for meditation and sleep. Rest well and returning a hug. I did need one 😌

 

[ClassicsFan]

Like I need to go to bed earlier.

 

[Windhover]

Like there is something just out of reach.

 

[Lane]

I feel like an idiot. And worthless. And afraid for my state of mind.
Ok, I'm in the first real day of it all. Neatly packing his things which didn't get taken yesterday, putting it in the garage to protect his belongings that remain.....I will not take the blame for what is happening. I will take responsibility for things that are mine to take but I will not have someone pointing a finger at me saying it is all my doing. He is a quiet man and doesn't share a lot regarding emotions and mental state. He said he had mental issues the first couple of months we met, he never stated specifically but I knew depression was a part of his story along with other wounds (that we all carry) and my silly assessment said to my mind that therapy would be enough, along with providing a safe environment and some security and caring from me. The caring that was present that he said he had never received in his life.....

I have learned an extremely valuable lesson about how very little I know and I intuitively know and hopefully believe that if I stay open to lessons that are to be had and will unfold that it will grow and ease and expand me. I just have to make the choices to get out of my own way.

And I have to learn again how to be alone (not in a relationship) This is not going to be easy on any level.

You have much worth Janis. Sorry that youre going thru a difficult time. Romantic relationships can be difficult, to say the least. I hope you find that being alone brings you peace and a time of introspection.

 

[Lane]

I feel like things in my life are calm and afraid I have to upset that in the near future. I keep going over in my head what it will be like to get married and live with someone 24-7.

 

[Facesar]

I feel fucking awful. I don’t want to wake up. I’m so tired. Don’t know what’s left to hold on to anymore. It feels like there’s nothing left, and the pressure is coming from all sides. I can’t take it anymore

 

[JanisSPK]

Like there is something just out of reach.

That is a perfect description. It feels so wrong for it to be this wsy

 

[JanisSPK]

You have much worth Janis. Sorry that youre going thru a difficult time. Romantic relationships can be difficult, to say the least. I hope you find that being alone brings you peace and a time of introspection.

Thank you Lane, I will do my best with your thoughts.....you are so kind.....

 

[shadowrider]

Alone,

 

[cymbele]

Back/leg pain went up to a 3 which I am grateful for instead of an 8 which I had been dealing with. Makes me wonder if the procedure was a success. I messaged the doctor.

I would appreciate any positive energy from anyone as it would help. Thank you in advance.

 

[AvidFan]

Back/leg pain went up to a 3 which I am grateful for instead of an 8 which I had been dealing with. Makes me wonder if the procedure was a success. I messaged the doctor.

I would appreciate any positive energy from anyone as it would help. Thank you in advance.

Sending you ❤️❤️❤️ and positive energy 🌞

 

[AvidFan]

I feel like an idiot. And worthless. And afraid for my state of mind.
Ok, I'm in the first real day of it all. Neatly packing his things which didn't get taken yesterday, putting it in the garage to protect his belongings that remain.....I will not take the blame for what is happening. I will take responsibility for things that are mine to take but I will not have someone pointing a finger at me saying it is all my doing. He is a quiet man and doesn't share a lot regarding emotions and mental state. He said he had mental issues the first couple of months we met, he never stated specifically but I knew depression was a part of his story along with other wounds (that we all carry) and my silly assessment said to my mind that therapy would be enough, along with providing a safe environment and some security and caring from me. The caring that was present that he said he had never received in his life.....

I have learned an extremely valuable lesson about how very little I know and I intuitively know and hopefully believe that if I stay open to lessons that are to be had and will unfold that it will grow and ease and expand me. I just have to make the choices to get out of my own way.

And I have to learn again how to be alone (not in a relationship) This is not going to be easy on any level.

You are not an idiot or worthless. Though neither am I, but I can FEEL like I am far too much of the time. I hope you can heal from this situation.

 

[AvidFan]

Tired but calm. Tired of going round in circles. Saw my specialist today. I told him a lot of my pain condition was gone/much better, but the UTI was sparking things up. I got upset when he said the next thing I want you to do is see a counsellor or psychologist to deal with this stress. I bristled as I am not making stress up in my head, I have multiple consequential things that I have to keep taking action on. I can't just leave a UTI when it relapses on a Saturday morning and do a bit of meditation and just allow the bacteria (multiplying exponentially constantly) to just "be". I have done 10 years' worth of therapy altogether, for someone who hasn't tried it absolutely I would recommend it. But it's not like I'm someone who hasn't done any work and is making stress up in my head - a debilitating condition caused by genital nerves, a UTI, financial issues, no support from any friends or family, and a house that has issues that absolutely nobody will fucking come and look at. Those aren't things that are going to get better by taking some deep breaths. If I could sort these things I would be less stressed. They are not inconsequential "oh just leave it for now" kinds of problems - while some I have had to leave because I just haven't had the bandwidth. Having 3 urgent situations that all require action while you only have energy or bandwidth for 2, is not going to get solved by adding the stress of yet another appointment I have to find time for. So it irritated me. Some of it was helpful and GP has been written to but don't know exactly what he's said.

And then brilliantly, right after the appointment and being told stress will make everything worse, I got off the bus outside my house and as soon as it drove off, realised I'd left various stuff on the seat. The bus goes down the road and turns round again, I thought Ok I will just go across the road and wait for it to come back this way. I thought I'd just jump on, tap my card, then go and explore upstairs. So I went to get my credit card out and then couldn't find that. I had 20 minutes of absolute dread waiting for that bus wondering where my card was, whether on the seat or dropped on the floor somewhere. In the end I got on, asked the driver, went up and found the stuff I left and got off. Except my card wasn't on the seat with the other stuff. So I went back in my house to call the company and cancel the card, only to find it lying on the table. I always put it back in my wallet, so have no idea what that was about. I am just overwhelmed 90% of the time and the cracks are starting to show.

 

[Windhover]

Positive, vital energy parcel virtually sent to you @cymbele

(h) as well if you like hugs.

 

[Windhover]

@AvidFan
(h)
Same things happen to me, during overload, my important items seem to end up in weird places when I've had to take too much stress all at once. It's awful. I'm glad your card was not lost.
You're doing more than your mind can handle and yet you got through. 🩷 I'm sorry it hurts and I hope it is not going to go on like this. I want to remind you about your friends here. Me being one of them. You succeeded in getting yourself to the appointment, you got your stuff back from the bus seat and you found your card.

More healing thoughts.

 

[AvidFan]

@AvidFan
(h)
Same things happen to me, during overload, my important items seem to end up in weird places when I've had to take too much stress all at once. It's awful. I'm glad your card was not lost.
You're doing more than your mind can handle and yet you got through. 🩷 I'm sorry it hurts and I hope it is not going to go on like this. I want to remind you about your friends here. Me being one of them. You succeeded in getting yourself to the appointment, you got your stuff back from the bus seat and you found your card.

More healing thoughts.

Thank you so much @seabird Yeah I should have phrased that better, I do have support and friends here, and it means a lot to me. Probably same thing going on there, forget where I put my friends as well 🫠 Plus the heat today. And you're right, as stressful as it was, I managed to come up with a solution and execute it!

It also happened in the night. I ALWAYS either put my glasses on the counter, or the bedside table. I got up in the night and couldn't find them in either. The were safely in my glasses case on the coffee table 🫨🤓. It could all have gone worse. And let's try to acknowledge the good - 2 buses with the same number were coming, and I was going to have to play a game of a) spot which driver I recognised and b) whether the right bus would stop was a gamble, as if one bus stops the other usually goes past unless someone is getting off. One bus stopped, and I saw the bus behind it overtake and approach my stop and turned out that was my bus!

I'm going to try to get some rest of some kind now over the weekend.

Thank you again ❤️❤️

 

[AvidFan]

Time for bed. Feel grateful for my SF friends. ❤️

 

[LumberJack]

TL;DR: dunno how to describe it but I think the closest way to verbalize how I feel now is free-floating anxiety dipped in resentment and financial dread sprinkled on top. I keep having the sensation that goes along with knowing one is about to punished.

For example if one is a child approaching adolescence and your mother is driving you home from the police station - it’s that feeling. If that sounds like an oddly specific example, that’s because it is.


What’s going on:
I am quite older now, and I am as sure as possible that I have not done anything punishable recently. I definitely didn’t do wrong on purpose, but there is a reason why a lawyer would advise against ever speaking with law enforcement without representation.

I did have an interaction today where I thought the other person was being exceptionally helpful and polite, which led to my realizing that she was treating me as an adult. I had forgotten that I deserve to be treated as an adult, because of the things that I am still not over yet. It’s not clear yet whether the fear is some kind of past pain that was brought up by its absence. Thoughts are going by too quickly.

I’m going to keep on challenging those thoughts and then turn my attention to what I am doing in the present. I’m also about to do silent meditation practice although I probably need to stretch first, and after, for that matter.