Its totally understandable @Windhover. Depression makes me unable to do many things, like communicating with others, lack of self care, etc. I hope you can achieve a constant feeling of peace. 
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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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I just want to sleep. all the time. 2 nights/days in a row with 14 hrs of sleep, as in fully passed out, and probably another 2 hrs in bed feeling dizzy and unable to decide on what to do. I got a text yesterday that reopened an old wound. Trying not to respond with cruelty, but I'm wondering if she deserves my restraint, after what she did to me. So I'm giving it 24 hrs and if I still feel like something needs to be said I will send a reply that is just an ask to never contact me again.
Last week I signed up for a networking event related to my profession. I'm getting cold feet because now I'm so tired and also because I'm socially anxious in the best circumstances. Looking at networking as a way to find people to nerd out with, and to get reconnected to my profession. The career advice all tells you to network to find a job, but what they don't tell you is that it's not that simple. Going into an event hoping to find a recruiter is nerve-wracking, but if it's to meet peers, then it's still nerve-wracking, but less so.
Aside from that I still can't tell if I'm fighting something off or not. I've had a very mild sore throat for a few days now, and this morning I've been achy and felling chilly (which practically never happens). I am having a coordination issue, too. It seems like if I try to move my arm, for example, I trigger and explosive movement as if I'm trying to punch something, but I really just wanted to scratch behind my ear. If I'm not feeling better in a few hours I will not go because of my energy levels and also because I don't want to spread it around if I'm carrying something.
Last week I signed up for a networking event related to my profession. I'm getting cold feet because now I'm so tired and also because I'm socially anxious in the best circumstances. Looking at networking as a way to find people to nerd out with, and to get reconnected to my profession. The career advice all tells you to network to find a job, but what they don't tell you is that it's not that simple. Going into an event hoping to find a recruiter is nerve-wracking, but if it's to meet peers, then it's still nerve-wracking, but less so.
Aside from that I still can't tell if I'm fighting something off or not. I've had a very mild sore throat for a few days now, and this morning I've been achy and felling chilly (which practically never happens). I am having a coordination issue, too. It seems like if I try to move my arm, for example, I trigger and explosive movement as if I'm trying to punch something, but I really just wanted to scratch behind my ear. If I'm not feeling better in a few hours I will not go because of my energy levels and also because I don't want to spread it around if I'm carrying something.
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Worried and unwell. I was doing fine until I sat and ate my pizza and some birthday cake and then had what I can only describe as an anxiety attack. I felt adrenaline surging through my body, nausea, and blood pressure ramped up. I had to stop what I was doing and go to bed.
Still there now. It amazes me how my family treat me. I have 2 nephews and a niece who I helped bring up when their dad walked out and none could be bothered to get me a gift for my birthday. Not even a £1 bar of chocolate. Just an empty messaged promise that not had time but will get you something - . That was the same line as last year, then it was forgotten about of course. It's not the material thing, it's the thought that counts and the thought is I am worth nothing to them. I have learned in the last 4 months that when my health fails I am not even worth the time it would take to send a supportive message.
I know people have this sort of thing with their own actual kids so can't imagine what that's like, if this is a small flavour of it then it's really sad.
I don't know if this has made my nervous system go berserk or if my nervous system going berserk has just latched onto this but I'm not doing well.
Still there now. It amazes me how my family treat me. I have 2 nephews and a niece who I helped bring up when their dad walked out and none could be bothered to get me a gift for my birthday. Not even a £1 bar of chocolate. Just an empty messaged promise that not had time but will get you something - . That was the same line as last year, then it was forgotten about of course. It's not the material thing, it's the thought that counts and the thought is I am worth nothing to them. I have learned in the last 4 months that when my health fails I am not even worth the time it would take to send a supportive message.
I know people have this sort of thing with their own actual kids so can't imagine what that's like, if this is a small flavour of it then it's really sad.
I don't know if this has made my nervous system go berserk or if my nervous system going berserk has just latched onto this but I'm not doing well.
I’m in pain with my leg again. I was feeling good until I went and did my physical therapy exercises and now the pain is back in full force. I can’t sit and watch tv or read a book it hurts so much. The doctor said that he would try another epidural and I have been feeling so good lately that I was going to cancel it. But tonight I’m in agony and it’s too early for sleep.
