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How many attempts have you had?
- Thread starter ofvanityandwax
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One as a teenager, no one knows about it though. I'm 50 now and have had suicidal ideation almost daily since my first attempt as a teen. Strange as it may sound its almost comforting to know it is a possibility. Only recently began thinking seriously about it again and have gathered supplies and information just in case I can't take life anymore. Told a friend for the first time today and found they have suffered almost the same. I think it is important to tell at least one person before going through with it, i know it is why I am writing now instead of pushing up daisies.
One attempt, and would have been successful had I not been sectioned. I (like most here) had given up on life, couldn't bear to go on. So I stopped doing my insulin, for a few days. Drank a lot of alcohol, and popped a lot of serious pills. I don't recall anything after doing the morphine tabs, but woke up in hospital several days later. It was surreal waking up, I had no idea what was going on. I saw a group of doctors at a bed across from me, one of them kept looking over at me. There was something odd about this girl, it was like I could see her aura. She had a golden light around her, it was bizarre. They had finished their round, I wasn't on their list, and they left the small ward. About ten minutes later, this female doctor returned. She approached me, and pulled the curtains around my bed. She sat down at my bedside, and asked " What's going on Dave?" I was surprised to say the least, this girl was genuinely interested in hearing what I had to say. She listened to me for over two hours, she laughed with me, and cried too. I felt a huge burden had been lifted from me, I can't explain why or how. She arranged for me to speak with her a few times after that, it helped enormously. I left hospital a few weeks later, feeling optimistic about life. I got myself a rescue dog, and still have him. It's only been the past few months, I've started to get the dark feelings again. I seem to have lost all the good things in life, I suffered a few strokes (so much for the rock and roll lifestyle) and I'm left barely able to walk, or use my right side. My guitars are all in their cases, my amps and pedals are all in cupboards out of sight. My dog is probably going to have to go too, as I can't give him the exercise he needs (springer spaniel). He's my reason for getting up every day, as well as my best friend. I've tried all I can to regain my mobility, I've spent a fortune on braces for the drop foot condition. My leg just seems to get weaker, no one can tell me why. I've discovered why on my own, it's a neurological problem. I'm told that sometimes the brain will and can mend itself, this is my last roll of the dice. I have until this summer, that's when the 12 months is up. I'm told the brain takes about 12 months to heal itself, for the signals to find/create new routes/pathways. I'm sorry for going on here, I've never written stuff like this before. It does feel weird getting it out here, but I get the feeling a few here might get me. At least I hope so, thanks.
0.... because I couldn't find a way that's painless and 100% effective. I thought of doing pills. I remember reading about people who didn't die but ended up in the hospitals, had their stomachs pumped. When they find out you're suicidal, they'll lock you up. You'll lose freedom. Life will be even worse than before. I thought of jumping from tall buildings, but I couldn't bear the sensation of my skull and brains crashing on the pavement. I'm afraid of blood and pain. If I survive and merely get injured or become severely disabled as a result of the attempt, it will be even worse than before. As for hanging, in the places I lived in I couldn't find a beam or a structure strong enough to hang me that gave me enough privacy and prep time. I don't have guns or know how to use them. I just hope for a swift and painless death.
Thank you whybother, I appreciate your words and kind encouragement. We all need to hear them at times, I hope there comes a time when I can help you too. As for your handle/name, you bothered to reply to my post. So perhaps you don't live up to the name, so thanks again for "bothering" . Good luck to you, all the best.
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