How to deal with being blamed for loved one's depression?

[iria]

Hello, everyone. I'm sorry if this is the wrong place for this post, I'm not very familiar with forums.

I'm in a really tough situation at the moment. I'm in a V-poly relationship in which my live-in partner of many years and my new metamour both have depression, suicidal thoughts and personality issues. I have anxiety and symptoms of PTSD but I have only had these issues for a short while. Me and my partner are in therapy but her boyfriend refuses professional help even though he would need it the most.

Both my partner and metamour blame me for her depression and for making it worse. He has told me I shouldn't exist. She claims the only thing keeping her alive is her boyfriend and I can never make her happy but then completely turns around and tells me she loves me and I'm important to her. I am drawn to that warmth like a moth to a candle. I still love her so much.

Every time I try to talk to her about feelings her mood drops and she says her thoughts of self harm intensify. She claims that because I'm not depressed, I can't understand. She doesn't even try to give me the tools so I could understand. The aggressive, controlling way the boyfriend has treated me has made me very afraid of him but my partner doesn't care because she loves him so dearly. She says I'm "just overreacting and making things unnecessarily hard" by trying to set some boundaries so I could be comfortable and be a good girlfriend for her.

All of this is making me doubt myself and I'm scared of this feeling - that I deserve the blame. That I really am at fault.

There's no understanding for me in this relationship even though I have tried my hardest to be mature and good for both of them, even though I have a very negative personal opinion of my metamour. It seems I am only wanted by my partner when I'm away or in a great mood. I'm so tired, so broken, so hopeless. Our relationship is hurting and I'm powerless.

Yet hope of a better tomorrow is what makes me stay.

How do I cope with this? Is there a way of salvaging this, a way to deal with this?

 

[Striking]

My experience with someone who self harms is that I could not help them. Support when they asked or needed it but otherwise trying to get to causes was futile. It is best left to a professional. Because of this, having a strong HEALTHY emotional bond was difficult. You live with this so you understand. It is not your fault.

If you are in fear of this metamour that is disturbing. Obviously again unhealthy.

Based on what you wrote I don't see how this is repairable. If there are specific behaviors that are being singled out you could change them sure. But it seems the underlying unhealthiness of it all would still remain. The relationship matters to you so it's worth a try.

 

[iria]

Thank you for the reply and your thoughts about this, Striking! I've talked about my relationship a lot to my therapist and she said the same thing. I can't keep my partner alive. I've accepted it, but I can't seem to be able to accept the way she treats me. I can't get the support I need from her so I've turned to my friends but it's hard to live with her now. I know she doesn't have much energy but is that a reason to dismiss my feelings altogether? The relationship she has with her boyfriend is very taxing for her, from what I've heard it's not rare for him to talk about killing himself (he has been especially bad lately), he has a very negative view of the world and a drinking problem. He's dragging her down, he's no longer making her happier and I fear they're both going to end up dead because she has already fallen so deep for him.

I have tried to talk with her about the problems we face, about the boyfriend's, her and my behaviours, but I guess in the end she isn't willing to work with this. It's too important for her to do what she likes, despite of consequences or others' feelings. It seems that in her world, her happiness cannot exist without hurting people close to her.

I feel like I've done all I can and I should leave this trainwreck of a relationship but I'm still wishing for my partner to open her eyes and see my worth again. It feels terrible to think about letting go of all these years we had been building a life together.

 

[Striking]

Yeah it is an emotional decision you have to make. I think you've done the right things to get you to where you are.

Be careful of trying to justify your worth through the eyes of another. You are worthy because of who you are and what you do. Keep that in your heart always