How to unlearn toxic behaviours?

[Soda-Voxel]

I always try my best to be a kind person, but my mental health struggles can often cause me to be toxic and frankly very cruel towards friends and family.

Some examples of this are:

• I vent to others without prior permission or warning.
• I rely on others too heavily for help when they are often struggling themselves.
• When I hear other people are struggling, I have a tendency to make it about me and get upset because I "can't help them" and thus make them feel the desire to comfort me instead of focusing on their own struggles.
• When people offer help, I can lash out in anger because I feel as though I don't deserve it, as a result I can be harsh, say mean things, not accept help, or ignore people and worry them.
• I have a problem where I get anxious when I see certain things I am not used to (such as content from fandoms I am not in, or my friends' interests), as such I vocalise upsetedness about it and thus make my friends feel as though they are 'not allowed' to talk about things they enjoy to prevent my anxiety.
• I blame others when they try to help me - because I feel I don't deserve help or care, when people try to do such things for me, I act as if they are the ones in the wrong for trying to treat me with kindness, rather than me for pushing them away, and then they feel bad for having tried to help.

I could continue, but I feel like these are the ones I can remember off the top of my head. My behaviours have gotten so bad that my closest friend literally has to take breaks from talking to me because I make them so emotionally tired and the guilt is killing me. I want to unlearn this, I want to be a better person, but I don't know how. All I know how to do is either all of the behaviours mentioned above, or simply bottle up my feelings, none of which are good. I apologise if this is too big to ask, but does anybody have any idea where I can at least begin to stop being so cruel?

 

[johnDoen]

I always try my best to be a kind person, but my mental health struggles can often cause me to be toxic and frankly very cruel towards friends and family.

Some examples of this are:

• I vent to others without prior permission or warning.
• I rely on others too heavily for help when they are often struggling themselves.
• When I hear other people are struggling, I have a tendency to make it about me and get upset because I "can't help them" and thus make them feel the desire to comfort me instead of focusing on their own struggles.
• When people offer help, I can lash out in anger because I feel as though I don't deserve it, as a result I can be harsh, say mean things, not accept help, or ignore people and worry them.
• I have a problem where I get anxious when I see certain things I am not used to (such as content from fandoms I am not in, or my friends' interests), as such I vocalise upsetedness about it and thus make my friends feel as though they are 'not allowed' to talk about things they enjoy to prevent my anxiety.
• I blame others when they try to help me - because I feel I don't deserve help or care, when people try to do such things for me, I act as if they are the ones in the wrong for trying to treat me with kindness, rather than me for pushing them away, and then they feel bad for having tried to help.

I could continue, but I feel like these are the ones I can remember off the top of my head. My behaviours have gotten so bad that my closest friend literally has to take breaks from talking to me because I make them so emotionally tired and the guilt is killing me. I want to unlearn this, I want to be a better person, but I don't know how. All I know how to do is either all of the behaviours mentioned above, or simply bottle up my feelings, none of which are good. I apologise if this is too big to ask, but does anybody have any idea where I can at least begin to stop being so cruel?

All I can say is be aware and slow down. If you feel like you are about to do any of the above to someone else, look away and count (vocally if necessary) to 10, 15 or 30, before doing anything. The counted seconds would be enough to think and to feel the situation.

I use that method to stop myself from damaging the furniture during frustrations. Though, this may not really work if you are facing a great distress. That is why my desk and my room's walls still look like battlefields, but it stopped me from self-harming.

I think the most practical thing I can say is finding yourself a counselor, who would be able to help you address this issue better than me.

 

[may71]

I vent to others without prior permission or warning.

If you have a pure rant, you may want to just post that here in the "rants, musings, and ideas" forum rather than ranting at someone is not receptive.

I rely on others too heavily for help when they are often struggling themselves

You may want to try to build a network of support and spread out how much you rely on each source so that you don't overwhelm any one supporter. Making a therapist a part of that network might be a good idea, if a capable therapist is available to you.

Here are a couple books that may be useful to you. I haven't read them, but they are from the "reading-well" list of books that have been vetted by mental health professionals and can be "prescribed" by therapists in the UK:

Overcoming Anger and Irritability, 2nd Edition: A self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques

Dr. William Davies


Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think

Dennis Greenberger, Christine A. Padesky


You may be able to borrow these books from your local library. Some titles are available as e-books

 

[Aurelia]

There are several ways to unlearn behaviors.

1. Create habits that are opposite to the habits you associate with the undesired behavior (the creation of habits is a process and takes time - might want to look it up if you're going this route)
2. Make the undesired behavior seem less attractive to pursue
3. Make a replacement (desired) behavior more attractive to pursue
4. Use critical thinking to examine the logic and reason of the irrational belief that caused the undesired behavior. Then examine the belief itself. Is it helpful or harmful to you? Is it flexible or rigid? Can it be proven true? Can it be proven false? What evidence do you have to keep believing it? Doing this on a regular basis can help us consider alternative beliefs or points of view, and in turn, help us stop the behaviors associated with said belief.

I personally suggest a mixture of all of these suggestions.