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Hurting

Dead~boy

Active Member
#1
(Just wanted a space i guess to say something, because to whom it is intended refuses to hear. i am invisible i do not exsist to them. No one hears me and i am so tired of hurting so much from it. i need a place to clear my head.)


You know, no matter how old i get, it still hurts a lot when you ignore me like you do. It hurts bad enough that the very, VERY, few people i even barely talk to (because they often don't seem interested or have no time to write back, or just don't care) don't speak to me the majority of the time, but then i have to have my own parents ignore me. i can walk up to you and say something and you just walk around me, walk through me, like i am not even there.

When did you grow to hate me so? i know you said i was an accident, i am a disappointment, i am pathetic, i am a bad influence. But, is that all the reasons why you hate me? i know, i know better than anyone else in this world, you resent me and the reasons why all related to your own childhood. Even you don't acknowledge that part of yourself, but i can. It took years before i understood it.

i was 11 when my soul got its first crack. But you, you helped it grow. You helped that tiny fracture turn into a chasm that runs so deep, i doubt it could ever heal. Not all the pills and bandages or first aid in the world could ever mend it. i tried to heal it over the years. i tried so many times. i asked for help, i begged for therapy and you denied that when i was so young, i feel it might have helped if i got it sooner. You denied it last year when i dug as low as i could go and thought of a hospital stay for once. It terrified the hell out of me. i wanted to go, you, both, faught against it. But then you took advantage of me at my most vulnerable and you did so much more damage so much that i lost myself. And now, there's always those dark little shadows that just keep chip, chip, chipping away at an already fragile soul. i am a fragmented shell of what i used to be.

It feels like dust and ash inside my chest. Let the wind blow me away, so i can feel free from this ribcage of pain.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#3
I can hear all the pain in what you see. And that hurts all the more when they can't hear that pain. Makes you want to scream it from the rooftops, doesn't it? Me at least, anyway.

I hope that this platform gives you the place to scream out your pain. No matter what, we will always hear you.

Sending hugs

Em
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#4
Wishes for the best. I am one also ignore or excluded through pretty much all of my life. I was always the odd duck that did not fit in, was off kilter and never invited to join in things. I have never so much hated as had it be apathy and never invited or welcomed to join in.
 

Dead~boy

Active Member
#5
I can hear all the pain in what you see. And that hurts all the more when they can't hear that pain. Makes you want to scream it from the rooftops, doesn't it? Me at least, anyway.

I hope that this platform gives you the place to scream out your pain. No matter what, we will always hear you.

Sending hugs

Em
i do scream, into my pillows. i bury my face to help muffle the sounds so the neighbor doesn't call the police, and i scream. i scream when i get angry and upset. i scream when i get so frustrated and can't understand the bombardment of emotions clouding up my head. i scream when the pain gets too much to take. i scream so hard, so loud until my throat feels like it bleeds and i have nothing left in me and the calm settles in erasing my mind. It goes blank and i am left with a throat that aches.
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#6
Sometimes people ignore our feelings and calls for help because there is nothing they can do to change our situation or thought patterns. They feel helpless also, and unable to cope. It is like a catch 22. Others can not eat for us, and they can not think for us. Negative thought patterns are debilitating, and can be ameliorated with positive thought patterns, but only if one considers that probability. I love you and wish you the very best.
 

Dead~boy

Active Member
#7
Wishes for the best. I am one also ignore or excluded through pretty much all of my life. I was always the odd duck that did not fit in, was off kilter and never invited to join in things. I have never so much hated as had it be apathy and never invited or welcomed to join in.
i always feel like the black sheep in the family, (i say it half jokingly because i wear all black clothing and iam left out, ignored, uninvited, to try and ease the pain of being alone). Even the town i live in, i feel so out of place.
 

Dead~boy

Active Member
#8
Sometimes people ignore our feelings and calls for help because there is nothing they can do to change our situation or thought patterns. They feel helpless also, and unable to cope. It is like a catch 22. Others can not eat for us, and they can not think for us. Negative thought patterns are debilitating, and can be ameliorated with positive thought patterns, but only if one considers that probability. I love you and wish you the very best.

But these are my parents. They never wanted me and they expressed that when i was very young. They abused and neglected me during severe medical complications that could have killed me, one time iended up needing surgery. They wouldn't even take me to therapy for someone who did know how to help, even when the school counselors started calling them saying i needed to go after they started realizing i was hurting myself. The only reason they took care of me, was when teachers and school nurses had to call them. But they refused therapy.

i can understand people shutting you down or out because they don't know what to do or say (often the people i talk to or try to talk to just say they don't care). But, my parents made it known i was never wanted. i did everything for them, i did all i could thinking, hoping, maybe they would love me finally. When i started working, i gave them half of my own check to help pay their bills. Every time they asked for money, i gave it to them. They say they would need money for gas but they spent it on junk. i have an older brother who abused me and they let him. He was their favorite. (This is the part where my moms childhood comes in, the reason why she resents me so much and why she favors my older brother).
Parents shouldn't ignore their kids. i understand if they don't comprehend my depression and anxiety and my mental illness, but my point was that they ignore me on a day to day basis even when i am trying to ask what they want for supper. can i help you do this or that? Ignored. What do you need taken care of? Ignored.

i just wanted to express how it made me feel because they turn a deaf ear and i can't get them to acknowledge me.

For me i feel some people cannot fully heal when the problems they have cannot be addressed and they need some sense of closure. i will never have that closure.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#9
i do scream, into my pillows. i bury my face to help muffle the sounds so the neighbor doesn't call the police, and i scream. i scream when i get angry and upset. i scream when i get so frustrated and can't understand the bombardment of emotions clouding up my head. i scream when the pain gets too much to take. i scream so hard, so loud until my throat feels like it bleeds and i have nothing left in me and the calm settles in erasing my mind. It goes blank and i am left with a throat that aches.
Wow... you phrased this perfectly. I completely understand this. I'm sorry you're in so much pain, and I hope that you find a way to stop the screaming, or at least let us be here to support you.

Sending hugs

Em
 
#11
little angel I am a very incomplete being and more than once my recurring illusion is sleeping and not waking up again but I am going to tell you something people who feel bad about themselves hurt many of the closest people acting and saying very hurtful things and exaggerated they may feel less pain with themselves making you feel terribly bad.
 
#12
(Just wanted a space i guess to say something, because to whom it is intended refuses to hear. i am invisible i do not exsist to them. No one hears me and i am so tired of hurting so much from it. i need a place to clear my head.)


You know, no matter how old i get, it still hurts a lot when you ignore me like you do. It hurts bad enough that the very, VERY, few people i even barely talk to (because they often don't seem interested or have no time to write back, or just don't care) don't speak to me the majority of the time, but then i have to have my own parents ignore me. i can walk up to you and say something and you just walk around me, walk through me, like i am not even there.

When did you grow to hate me so? i know you said i was an accident, i am a disappointment, i am pathetic, i am a bad influence. But, is that all the reasons why you hate me? i know, i know better than anyone else in this world, you resent me and the reasons why all related to your own childhood. Even you don't acknowledge that part of yourself, but i can. It took years before i understood it.

i was 11 when my soul got its first crack. But you, you helped it grow. You helped that tiny fracture turn into a chasm that runs so deep, i doubt it could ever heal. Not all the pills and bandages or first aid in the world could ever mend it. i tried to heal it over the years. i tried so many times. i asked for help, i begged for therapy and you denied that when i was so young, i feel it might have helped if i got it sooner. You denied it last year when i dug as low as i could go and thought of a hospital stay for once. It terrified the hell out of me. i wanted to go, you, both, faught against it. But then you took advantage of me at my most vulnerable and you did so much more damage so much that i lost myself. And now, there's always those dark little shadows that just keep chip, chip, chipping away at an already fragile soul. i am a fragmented shell of what i used to be.

It feels like dust and ash inside my chest. Let the wind blow me away, so i can feel free from this ribcage of pain.
little angel I am a very incomplete being and more than once my recurring illusion is sleeping and not waking up again but I am going to tell you something people who feel bad about themselves hurt many of the closest people acting and saying very hurtful things and exaggerated they may feel less pain with themselves making you feel terribly bad.
i always feel like the black sheep in the family, (i say it half jokingly because i wear all black clothing and iam left out, ignored, uninvited, to try and ease the pain of being alone). Even the town i live in, i feel so out of place.



My heaven, you don't deserve that treatment, you don't deserve to feel that pain, and in that constant abuse, reflects in you the way the person who mistreats you feels or looks, that person feels a failure ... that person feels useless and a mistake.
 

Dead~boy

Active Member
#13
little angel I am a very incomplete being and more than once my recurring illusion is sleeping and not waking up again but I am going to tell you something people who feel bad about themselves hurt many of the closest people acting and saying very hurtful things and exaggerated they may feel less pain with themselves making you feel terribly bad.
i am very well aware those who often are struggling with themselves tend to take it out on others. i do my best to remind myself every time i was mistreated by classmates growing up, by adults when i started working. Even my own father.
But i know the full extent of what has happened and the things she has done over the years, and i know what she has been through at least from what she's said has happened.
But, she is a pathological liar and a manipulative narcissist who uses others to get what she wants. She is the type of person who wont hesitate to push you under water and leave you to drowned just to save herself. She's the type who shoves you down and tramples on you while running out of a burning building. i have tried over the years to defend her, stick up for her, respect her, take care of her, but it's all in vain. i try to socialize with them at least because i have no one else. but i get ignored no matter what. No one even looks at me, and i don't know that i am even real anymore, because i feel like a ghost. Cold and invisible, mute.
 
#14
i am very well aware those who often are struggling with themselves tend to take it out on others. i do my best to remind myself every time i was mistreated by classmates growing up, by adults when i started working. Even my own father.
But i know the full extent of what has happened and the things she has done over the years, and i know what she has been through at least from what she's said has happened.
But, she is a pathological liar and a manipulative narcissist who uses others to get what she wants. She is the type of person who wont hesitate to push you under water and leave you to drowned just to save herself. She's the type who shoves you down and tramples on you while running out of a burning building. i have tried over the years to defend her, stick up for her, respect her, take care of her, but it's all in vain. i try to socialize with them at least because i have no one else. but i get ignored no matter what. No one even looks at me, and i don't know that i am even real anymore, because i feel like a ghost. Cold and invisible, mute.
I hope you do not bother my way of writing and if I use nice words, I like to be very sweet with people. Sweetness, you already know what that person really is, you know that expecting from that person what they try will not surprise you because you already know them. little angel everyone at some point we become invisible to some people especially when we are not successful or we have problems stupid people who think they are superior and do not know that life can change for good or for bad in a second they could even feel how you feel you.
 

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