I am the problem again

[Lin Veil]

I just want to fucking scream right now. I had plans for the weekend, I wanted to get out of here and just be in a good mood; everything was supposed to be awesome as it is. And it started perfectly well!
I was at a friend's place and we (friends and me) played Pathfinder (that's a Pen and Paper game) and my boyfriend was there, too. So all of us were happy, sure, I had a bad phase yesterday where I went out and smoked more than usual, but that's ok. When my friend said she needed to leave earlier than she thought, the others of us went to my place and continued playing cards (now). Before we went there, I asked whether that was ok to the family chat. I even tried to call my sister when nobody responded. Since I had no answer and we could not stay any longer, we just went to my place and started playing.
Everything was fine first, but when I wanted to make something to eat for a friend, my dad came into the kitchen (thinking the others would not hear a thing) and quietly but full of rage told me I had to cancel all of my other plans this weekend in order to clean my room instead. I shrank together but said I would, went upstairs and my friends looked at me, shocked and, when it came to my bf, caring and worried. I said it was fine and I knew things like that, I would just stay quiet and do as he wants. I saw dad and stepmother fighting in the family chat, causing dad's rage.
So again, it's my fault for them to fight. Again. Wow.
And my other friends and my bf? They have to cope with me.
I can't wait to get out of here for university, then all of them can just shut up...

 

[mirandaneedshelp]

Hi Lin. Sorry to hear that you had to go through that. I have had similar experiences when I lived with my parents, and I know how humiliating that can feel, even though you've done nothing wrong. I definitely don't think that anything is "your fault". It sounds like your dad may have trouble handling his emotions properly, but this is absolutely not on you.

Your friends sound like they are very kind, and I'm happy to hear you have a support system through them. Don't think of them as having to cope with you. Friends are there to offer support when you need them. Would you feel burdened if they came to you with something? I'm sure you would be happy to help them. Stay strong. Lean on your friends if you need support until you can get into a better situation.

 

[Lin Veil]

Hi Miranda (I just guessed on that one^^).
Dad can't really control his emotions, especially when he drinks alcohol...but I am glad he usually does not do that this much anymore (I am drunk more often than he is).
My friends are a bit crazy but alright - just like they have to be in order to be able to cope with the strange person I am. I would do everything (for some, literally everything) for them.
And now even my boyfriend starts to doubt me, thinking I just want to manipulate him. I do not really understand why, I just know it hurts..

 

[Petal]

Sorry this happened....don't blame yourself, it is not your fault. When do you leave for university? What do you plan to study?

I hope posting here helps you because you deserve kindness from people who actually care. Hoping things improve for you. Best wishes.

 

[Lin Veil]

I will leave in September and Semester begins in October, well, at least if they take me. But I really really hope so!
I want to become an English and Chemistry teacher (I'm living in Germany) and I am super insecure about this^^'
To see I mentioned my bf up there...we broke up. It was better that way^^' I am glad there are people who care...