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I don't know what to think

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#1
Hello everyone.

I am very new to this forum but I still feel the urge to reach out as I have no one to talk to regarding my issues.

This may be a bit lengthy and I do apologise, these things have been on my mind for a while and have not been able to share them much and cannot afford to see a psychiatrist at this moment in time.
I will start with saying that I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 a few years ago, although now I am not so sure. I think I have always been an odd kid, I was incredibly social, talkative and overconfident (occasionally, I would tell people I am Jesus/God/Future king of the world). On the other hand, I would sometimes become incredibly depressed, and antisocial/hateful of the world around me. Throughout either period, I would have violent and aggressive intrusive thoughts, as well as a lot of general anxiety. My depression and anxiety got to a point where I secluded myself in my house for a year, only going to college (some of the time and eventually dropping out). Anyway, I managed to find work a few times after that but couldn't really hold a job down. I then saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed olanzapine. Currently, I have held my current job for almost a year and things have been progressing nicely there.

I have been having some doubts. I wasn't able to obtain a refill on my script so I missed it for a few days. I then watched a documentary on schizophrenia, and they spoke about the consequences of anti-psychotic medication which spooked me a little. I have opted to stop taking my medication cold turkey due to this and a thought that has been on my mind for a while - I think I lied about all my issues. I believe the diagnosis of bipolar was given based on false information given by me - I have been known to exaggerate and whine. I have symptoms, I agree, but based on the criteria I've read I don't fit the minimum lengths of time to fit "hypomania" and "depression". The "hypomania" I get only lasts a few days, it can turn off suddenly, I've never been quite "deluded". Same with the depression, although it has lasted weeks before. I do believe I made the most of it up anyway (when confronted on my problems I conveniently freeze up and forget) because I find mental disorders fascinating and thus tried to be a special snowflake and blame my issues on something I can't "solve".

Now, the thought that persists is that I am a liar with overdramatised problems and that I am just someone who is destined to die by his own hand. It's not really an intrusive thought, just something I have been thinking a lot. I have thought a lot about suicide in detail these few days, mostly planning and the general outcome for those around me and I am quite sure it's something I want to pursue. But then I'm suddenly OK... I am confused. I go from believing all these things deeply, enough to get into arguments with my girlfriend to the point of her being brought to tears and then suddenly I can look at these thoughts (somewhat) objectively. I am not sure how it makes any sense, how can one's entire thought process change so suddenly? What possible disorders encompass this? What is the solution in terms of thought process?
 

Magalee

Hold on to hope
#2
Hello everyone.

I am very new to this forum but I still feel the urge to reach out as I have no one to talk to regarding my issues.

This may be a bit lengthy and I do apologise, these things have been on my mind for a while and have not been able to share them much and cannot afford to see a psychiatrist at this moment in time.
I will start with saying that I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 a few years ago, although now I am not so sure. I think I have always been an odd kid, I was incredibly social, talkative and overconfident (occasionally, I would tell people I am Jesus/God/Future king of the world). On the other hand, I would sometimes become incredibly depressed, and antisocial/hateful of the world around me. Throughout either period, I would have violent and aggressive intrusive thoughts, as well as a lot of general anxiety. My depression and anxiety got to a point where I secluded myself in my house for a year, only going to college (some of the time and eventually dropping out). Anyway, I managed to find work a few times after that but couldn't really hold a job down. I then saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed olanzapine. Currently, I have held my current job for almost a year and things have been progressing nicely there.

I have been having some doubts. I wasn't able to obtain a refill on my script so I missed it for a few days. I then watched a documentary on schizophrenia, and they spoke about the consequences of anti-psychotic medication which spooked me a little. I have opted to stop taking my medication cold turkey due to this and a thought that has been on my mind for a while - I think I lied about all my issues. I believe the diagnosis of bipolar was given based on false information given by me - I have been known to exaggerate and whine. I have symptoms, I agree, but based on the criteria I've read I don't fit the minimum lengths of time to fit "hypomania" and "depression". The "hypomania" I get only lasts a few days, it can turn off suddenly, I've never been quite "deluded". Same with the depression, although it has lasted weeks before. I do believe I made the most of it up anyway (when confronted on my problems I conveniently freeze up and forget) because I find mental disorders fascinating and thus tried to be a special snowflake and blame my issues on something I can't "solve".

Now, the thought that persists is that I am a liar with overdramatised problems and that I am just someone who is destined to die by his own hand. It's not really an intrusive thought, just something I have been thinking a lot. I have thought a lot about suicide in detail these few days, mostly planning and the general outcome for those around me and I am quite sure it's something I want to pursue. But then I'm suddenly OK... I am confused. I go from believing all these things deeply, enough to get into arguments with my girlfriend to the point of her being brought to tears and then suddenly I can look at these thoughts (somewhat) objectively. I am not sure how it makes any sense, how can one's entire thought process change so suddenly? What possible disorders encompass this? What is the solution in terms of thought process?
Look into obsessive compulsive disorder thoughts, here's a link:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/200906/how-do-obsessive-compulsive-people-think

Also pure O:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primarily_obsessional_obsessive_compulsive_disorder

I don't have this but there are some here who do, I hope they will respond. I'm just throwing this out there, I don't know if this is what you have, you can at least look at the information.

Welcome to the forum, I'm glad you found us.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
. I have thought a lot about suicide in detail these few days, mostly planning and the general outcome for those around me and I am quite sure it's something I want to pursue. But then I'm suddenly OK... I am confused. I go from believing all these things deeply, enough to get into arguments with my girlfriend to the point of her being brought to tears and then suddenly I can look at these thoughts (somewhat) objectively. I am not sure how it makes any sense, how can one's entire thought process change so suddenly? What possible disorders encompass this? What is the solution in terms of thought process?
This could be due to stopping your medication suddenly, which is never recommended for this reason. Please speak to your doctor about this asap.
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#5
Hi @hownowbrownchow

Whether you have bipolar or not, coming off of those meds cold turkey is dangerous. Please go back and speak to your doctor about your thoughts and ideas. It may be that you have the wrong diagnosis or may not, but you need professional help to work this out and being off your meds will only make things feel worse.
 
#7
Thank you for this Magalee. This is very interesting. I will look further into this.

Hi Clair. I unfortunately cannot afford to speak to my doctor, I agree though.

Lulabelle, Do you mean dangerous in terms of my mental state ? If so, this mental state was there before I started the medication... it's technically "normal". It feels like I am thinking clearer, more true to myself. It seems for the best.
I realise professional help will probably be best, but I currently am unable to see a professional... and even if I do, I can never get real help because I am a liar and a deceiver.
 

Rockclimbinggirl

SF climber
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
Stopping meds cold turkey could leave you with a lot of withdrawal symptoms, which could be considered dangerous. Can you speak to a doctor or pharmacist?
 
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