Hello everyone.
I am very new to this forum but I still feel the urge to reach out as I have no one to talk to regarding my issues.
This may be a bit lengthy and I do apologise, these things have been on my mind for a while and have not been able to share them much and cannot afford to see a psychiatrist at this moment in time.
I will start with saying that I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 a few years ago, although now I am not so sure. I think I have always been an odd kid, I was incredibly social, talkative and overconfident (occasionally, I would tell people I am Jesus/God/Future king of the world). On the other hand, I would sometimes become incredibly depressed, and antisocial/hateful of the world around me. Throughout either period, I would have violent and aggressive intrusive thoughts, as well as a lot of general anxiety. My depression and anxiety got to a point where I secluded myself in my house for a year, only going to college (some of the time and eventually dropping out). Anyway, I managed to find work a few times after that but couldn't really hold a job down. I then saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed olanzapine. Currently, I have held my current job for almost a year and things have been progressing nicely there.
I have been having some doubts. I wasn't able to obtain a refill on my script so I missed it for a few days. I then watched a documentary on schizophrenia, and they spoke about the consequences of anti-psychotic medication which spooked me a little. I have opted to stop taking my medication cold turkey due to this and a thought that has been on my mind for a while - I think I lied about all my issues. I believe the diagnosis of bipolar was given based on false information given by me - I have been known to exaggerate and whine. I have symptoms, I agree, but based on the criteria I've read I don't fit the minimum lengths of time to fit "hypomania" and "depression". The "hypomania" I get only lasts a few days, it can turn off suddenly, I've never been quite "deluded". Same with the depression, although it has lasted weeks before. I do believe I made the most of it up anyway (when confronted on my problems I conveniently freeze up and forget) because I find mental disorders fascinating and thus tried to be a special snowflake and blame my issues on something I can't "solve".
Now, the thought that persists is that I am a liar with overdramatised problems and that I am just someone who is destined to die by his own hand. It's not really an intrusive thought, just something I have been thinking a lot. I have thought a lot about suicide in detail these few days, mostly planning and the general outcome for those around me and I am quite sure it's something I want to pursue. But then I'm suddenly OK... I am confused. I go from believing all these things deeply, enough to get into arguments with my girlfriend to the point of her being brought to tears and then suddenly I can look at these thoughts (somewhat) objectively. I am not sure how it makes any sense, how can one's entire thought process change so suddenly? What possible disorders encompass this? What is the solution in terms of thought process?
I am very new to this forum but I still feel the urge to reach out as I have no one to talk to regarding my issues.
This may be a bit lengthy and I do apologise, these things have been on my mind for a while and have not been able to share them much and cannot afford to see a psychiatrist at this moment in time.
I will start with saying that I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 a few years ago, although now I am not so sure. I think I have always been an odd kid, I was incredibly social, talkative and overconfident (occasionally, I would tell people I am Jesus/God/Future king of the world). On the other hand, I would sometimes become incredibly depressed, and antisocial/hateful of the world around me. Throughout either period, I would have violent and aggressive intrusive thoughts, as well as a lot of general anxiety. My depression and anxiety got to a point where I secluded myself in my house for a year, only going to college (some of the time and eventually dropping out). Anyway, I managed to find work a few times after that but couldn't really hold a job down. I then saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed olanzapine. Currently, I have held my current job for almost a year and things have been progressing nicely there.
I have been having some doubts. I wasn't able to obtain a refill on my script so I missed it for a few days. I then watched a documentary on schizophrenia, and they spoke about the consequences of anti-psychotic medication which spooked me a little. I have opted to stop taking my medication cold turkey due to this and a thought that has been on my mind for a while - I think I lied about all my issues. I believe the diagnosis of bipolar was given based on false information given by me - I have been known to exaggerate and whine. I have symptoms, I agree, but based on the criteria I've read I don't fit the minimum lengths of time to fit "hypomania" and "depression". The "hypomania" I get only lasts a few days, it can turn off suddenly, I've never been quite "deluded". Same with the depression, although it has lasted weeks before. I do believe I made the most of it up anyway (when confronted on my problems I conveniently freeze up and forget) because I find mental disorders fascinating and thus tried to be a special snowflake and blame my issues on something I can't "solve".
Now, the thought that persists is that I am a liar with overdramatised problems and that I am just someone who is destined to die by his own hand. It's not really an intrusive thought, just something I have been thinking a lot. I have thought a lot about suicide in detail these few days, mostly planning and the general outcome for those around me and I am quite sure it's something I want to pursue. But then I'm suddenly OK... I am confused. I go from believing all these things deeply, enough to get into arguments with my girlfriend to the point of her being brought to tears and then suddenly I can look at these thoughts (somewhat) objectively. I am not sure how it makes any sense, how can one's entire thought process change so suddenly? What possible disorders encompass this? What is the solution in terms of thought process?
