Hi. I'm born male and I have gender dysphoria, and I'm struggling alot to cope with daily life. For those of you who don't know what that means, gender dysphoria is the condition that trans people have. I'm not trans though, cuz I'm pre transition. I have talked to psychologists and such about this, and I'm on the list or in the queue or whatever you want to call it to get professional and medical help.
Having gender dysphoria is a tricky thing to describe for someone who never felt it. You don't really hate yourself as a person, but you hate your body. You feel like you're in the "wrong" body. I like to wear girls clothing, that makes me feel good. I like to do female things, when I'm writing online with people, most of the time they assume that I'm a female by the way I write, I suppose. In my head I'm a girl, but then when I look in the mirror, reality beats me in the face with a hammer. And it breaks my heart. Sometimes I think that I'm just dreaming that my body is my actual body, and that the next time I look in the mirror I'll see who I should be, but no that's not happening. I hope that when I go to bed, I will wake up as a female, but that's not happening either. I'm so sad all the time, and I'm starting to get very angry. It's not fair. But it's also no ones fault, so I can't blame anyone. If someone hurts you, you can learn to put the blame on that person and learn how to cope with the stress or whatever mental effects or physical effects that came out of it. With gender dysphoria, it's no ones fault so you can't blame anyone. You just go around hating your body, which quickly turns to hating yourself and hating life in general.
Daily life is a struggle for me, cuz I'm constantly putting on a show, or an act. I don't want to wear female clothes in public, cuz that'll draw so much attention and people will laugh at me. I sometimes wear nail polish and makeup in public, but I just feel like people are looking at me the wrong way. And if I were to act and talk like I want to, it'd just not work well with people, cuz they'll see a male trying to be feminine. And that's the thing, it's going to be something I have to learn. I have to learn how to alter my voice to sound like a female, I have to "learn" how to be feminine in order to pass by as an actual female. Like wtf I'm going to have to be an actor my entire life. But it's not going to be acting to me, cuz it's going to let me live my life like I want to but it's going to be fake. It doesn't matter if my transition goes by ultra well and no one can tell that I was born male, cuz that's just the outside. There are biological differences between males and women and that is something that you can't change. And some people say that it doesn't matter, and you should do what makes you happy. But the thing is that knowing that I'll never be a "real" female, however you want to classify it, is not possible for me. So I feel really hopeless and I don't really see the point in going on.
I don't have that many feminine physical traits either. I've been pretty active my entire life so my muscles are definitely there. I've stopped eating protein almost alltogether to try to drop down in musclemass. I have alot of bodyhair that I have to fight everyday to keep off. I waxed my entire body once, and the pain was so bad that I was crying and I started shaking cuz my body kinda went into shock. (only when waxing my stomach and chest) waxing my legs, butt, back and arms were fine. The worst thing is that if the result was great then I could stick to it, but the result was not good. I got like blisters or something all over my arms, and the waxing only broke the hairs on my chest and stomach, it didn't actually pull the hairs out. So even after waxing, you would still see the hairs and it grew out after like a week or something. I regularly wax my back though, and I keep the rest of my bodyhair off myself.
My face isn't very feminine either, like there's nothing feminine about me. I don't know what to do. I also want to experience children, and pregnancy and all that. And I know that you can store sperm and blabla but that's not the same and you know it. That removes the entire human experience of having a baby. So I don't really know what to do and I don't really want to go on honestly. I can either keep living my life like male and be miserable my entire life, and probably never have a baby cuz who would want a miserable baby as their partner. Or I can transition and probably end up looking like a retarded male who is trying to be female, have to spend billions of dollars on everything that comes with it, and probably never have a partner cuz who would want to date someone like me. Either way, I'm screwed and the way I see it, I can never be happy. I don't want advice cuz there is no advice. I didn't wake up today and realised "oh i want to be trans" no this is something that I've thought about for a LONG time. And throughout all of my thinking, and talking with doctors, I don't see a good ending. Like I said before, it's not fair, but fairness has nothing to do with this cuz it's no ones fault. Life turned out in a way where I can never be happy. I wish you all a meowing evening and may you have a better life than me. Thanks for taking the time to read all this (if you did).
Having gender dysphoria is a tricky thing to describe for someone who never felt it. You don't really hate yourself as a person, but you hate your body. You feel like you're in the "wrong" body. I like to wear girls clothing, that makes me feel good. I like to do female things, when I'm writing online with people, most of the time they assume that I'm a female by the way I write, I suppose. In my head I'm a girl, but then when I look in the mirror, reality beats me in the face with a hammer. And it breaks my heart. Sometimes I think that I'm just dreaming that my body is my actual body, and that the next time I look in the mirror I'll see who I should be, but no that's not happening. I hope that when I go to bed, I will wake up as a female, but that's not happening either. I'm so sad all the time, and I'm starting to get very angry. It's not fair. But it's also no ones fault, so I can't blame anyone. If someone hurts you, you can learn to put the blame on that person and learn how to cope with the stress or whatever mental effects or physical effects that came out of it. With gender dysphoria, it's no ones fault so you can't blame anyone. You just go around hating your body, which quickly turns to hating yourself and hating life in general.
Daily life is a struggle for me, cuz I'm constantly putting on a show, or an act. I don't want to wear female clothes in public, cuz that'll draw so much attention and people will laugh at me. I sometimes wear nail polish and makeup in public, but I just feel like people are looking at me the wrong way. And if I were to act and talk like I want to, it'd just not work well with people, cuz they'll see a male trying to be feminine. And that's the thing, it's going to be something I have to learn. I have to learn how to alter my voice to sound like a female, I have to "learn" how to be feminine in order to pass by as an actual female. Like wtf I'm going to have to be an actor my entire life. But it's not going to be acting to me, cuz it's going to let me live my life like I want to but it's going to be fake. It doesn't matter if my transition goes by ultra well and no one can tell that I was born male, cuz that's just the outside. There are biological differences between males and women and that is something that you can't change. And some people say that it doesn't matter, and you should do what makes you happy. But the thing is that knowing that I'll never be a "real" female, however you want to classify it, is not possible for me. So I feel really hopeless and I don't really see the point in going on.
I don't have that many feminine physical traits either. I've been pretty active my entire life so my muscles are definitely there. I've stopped eating protein almost alltogether to try to drop down in musclemass. I have alot of bodyhair that I have to fight everyday to keep off. I waxed my entire body once, and the pain was so bad that I was crying and I started shaking cuz my body kinda went into shock. (only when waxing my stomach and chest) waxing my legs, butt, back and arms were fine. The worst thing is that if the result was great then I could stick to it, but the result was not good. I got like blisters or something all over my arms, and the waxing only broke the hairs on my chest and stomach, it didn't actually pull the hairs out. So even after waxing, you would still see the hairs and it grew out after like a week or something. I regularly wax my back though, and I keep the rest of my bodyhair off myself.
My face isn't very feminine either, like there's nothing feminine about me. I don't know what to do. I also want to experience children, and pregnancy and all that. And I know that you can store sperm and blabla but that's not the same and you know it. That removes the entire human experience of having a baby. So I don't really know what to do and I don't really want to go on honestly. I can either keep living my life like male and be miserable my entire life, and probably never have a baby cuz who would want a miserable baby as their partner. Or I can transition and probably end up looking like a retarded male who is trying to be female, have to spend billions of dollars on everything that comes with it, and probably never have a partner cuz who would want to date someone like me. Either way, I'm screwed and the way I see it, I can never be happy. I don't want advice cuz there is no advice. I didn't wake up today and realised "oh i want to be trans" no this is something that I've thought about for a LONG time. And throughout all of my thinking, and talking with doctors, I don't see a good ending. Like I said before, it's not fair, but fairness has nothing to do with this cuz it's no ones fault. Life turned out in a way where I can never be happy. I wish you all a meowing evening and may you have a better life than me. Thanks for taking the time to read all this (if you did).
