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I really want to die right now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Gems, Jun 14, 2018.

  1. Gems

    Gems Well-Known Member

    I feel so lost right now and like life isn't worth living. I can't stop thinking about all the times I was bullied throughout my life and all of the horrible things that were done and said to me. I constantly rely on drugs to silence these ever intruding thoughts. I have no friends aside from my brother. These voices inside my head are telling me to kill myself because I will always be alone without anyone who will care for me or love me. When I saw my psychiatrist recently she prescribed pills like a fiend and even prescribed me 120 Xanax pills, plus 1 refill even after I told her I have an addictive personality and really didn't need anymore since I still had 50 left of the freaking 60 pills she prescribed me last time. I dropped that psychiatrist after that appointment because it's obvious she's just a pill pusher and really has no interest in helping me or even cares about me for that matter. Sorry this post sounds so dark but I just really need help right now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 14, 2018
  2. agwoodliffe

    agwoodliffe Well-Known Member

    Just to let you know, as I was also a victim of abuse from others as a child, no pill in the world will solve the feelings left behind by that. The solution for that is to work with a psychotherapist to make sense of why you were treated that way (some people are just antisocial pieces of sh*t) and how to deal with the feelings those experiences are still giving you now.
    And when you mention your psychiatrist being pill pusher, well you should push her for an appointment with a qualified therapist, outlining the reason you've given here.
    I suspect you'll need the pills to lessen the voices in your head, but the actual negative feelings brought on by your traumatic experiences need to be solved with a therapist.
    Innocent Forever, Gems and MagickLynx like this.
  3. Paisley

    Paisley * * * SF Artist SF Supporter

    Good for you for dropping that psychiatrist. Did you get a referral set up to see someone else? I know that everything seems hopeless right now but you deserve to have access to mental health professionals who will actually listen to your concerns. This last one sounds a bit braindead, honestly... try not to interpret her actions as an indicator of what all psychiatrists are like. It's true that many of them just care about their quotas, but some do care about what effects they have on their patients. I hope you can hold on long enough to eventually discover one of the better ones.
    Innocent Forever, Gems and MagickLynx like this.
  4. peter worthington

    peter worthington New Member

    Hello Gens, Hope you are good. I came on this site to look for ways to kill myself, but for some odd reason I don;t want people who have had similiar problems to me or feel ready to die like me, to do it, I feel like a hypocrit, I want to die but I don;t want you too, I don;t understand, perhaps you could give me an explanation, Peter.
  5. MarvelFan

    MarvelFan Well-Known Member

    I have had horrible things done and said to me and did bad things to others. I was also more than bullied if you read My story. That is the squirrel cage of your mind that you have to put a block on it's not that easy but does work for most if you try to meditate on thinking no thoughts or just block out those things and act as if they never existed. It is a practice of forget through time that works but sometime external enviromental things bring them back up and squirrel cage starts spinning again, so sometimes you have to let it spin then say enough is enough of these bad thoughts. I say shut up out loud when no one is around because I don't want to scare my girlfriend.

    Do you confide in your brother and is he a help to you, if so do that as much as you can. Do you have a mother to talk to?

    "These voices inside my head are telling me to kill myself because I will always be alone without anyone who will care for me or love me." Gems you won't be alone there is someone for everyone have you tried online dating I tried Pof.com and match.com of course they try to get you to pay more but I met my gf on tagged.com it's a free site.

    The voices especially if they are other people in your head are what Risperdal is for to stop the voices. Ask your psychiatrist about that if they can put you on that for awhile,it got rid of the voices telling me to kill myself after 2 weeks plus it doesn't have much side effects.

    It sounds like you need to see a Therapist too I see one once a month it's cheaper that seeing a psychiatrist plus yes most of the time the psychiatrist is just more of the pill doctor.

    Take care and PM if need to talk more, Love Ryan
    Innocent Forever and Gems like this.
  6. MarvelFan

    MarvelFan Well-Known Member

    Also Xanax is for Anxiety only mostly its to help a person calm down from panic attacks.
  7. Jaz

    Jaz Well-Known Member

    Dude that sucks,im glad you dropped that psychiatrist because thats just toxic
    Gems likes this.
  8. Gems

    Gems Well-Known Member

    Truly thankful for all of your helpful responses guys. Once I feel a bit better I will address your comments.
    MarvelFan, Paisley and Jaz like this.
  9. Woowoo

    Woowoo SF Pro SF Artist SF Supporter

    Hey Gems, I'm glad you got rid of that psychiatrist- doesn't sound like she was that interested in really helping you. Have you got another one yet?

    As always, we're here for you so keep talking to us if it helps. Stay safe :)
    MarvelFan and Gems like this.
  10. Woowoo

    Woowoo SF Pro SF Artist SF Supporter

    In the same way that you don't want Gems to die Peter, we don't want you to either. It's not the answer, so I'm glad you found SF. Stay safe.
  11. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro SF Supporter

    Sending bear hugs Gems
    Gems likes this.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi @Gems you did the right thing for your own mental health by dropping that psych. Well done - that is a step in the right direction. There is no pill that will take your negative thoughts away or your past not so great experiences. Therapy is the key and your issues need to be addressed without all these pills, esp the vast numbers she was prescribing through talking and exploring what happened, how it happened and how you can move on from it. Most people take their doctors advice as word, I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and standing your ground, well done. I am here if you ever need to talk,we all are :)
    Gems likes this.
  13. Gems

    Gems Well-Known Member

    Hi friends,
    First off, I just want to say thank you so much for your support and suggestions. I don't really have anyone else to talk about these issues with, so it really means a lot to have people like you guys care. Also, thank you for your confidence in my decision of dropping my psychiatrist. I have read your recommendations and thoughts regarding what I should do to improve my mental health with great consideration, and I have decided that therapy is the next step I have to take in my recovery. My intuition is telling me to steer far away from my psychiatrist and were she practices, I really want nothing to do with her or the company she is involved in. So, I am going to research other places in my area were I can find a reliable and caring therapist for me. I'm also going to find a different psychiatrist as well. I still can't believe she prescribed me so many pills. Of course, I got the 1 refill allowed for my Xanax just a couple of days after I received the 120 pills, so I literally have over 200 Xanax pills in my possession right now. I hope I have the strength to stay away from them and only take them when needed. You guys are right, there is no pill in the world that will make me forget the mental anguish of all of my horrible memories of abuse and bullying. It's time that I work through my issues instead of always turning to pills to mask the pain.
    Thank you all so much for giving me strength during this tiring time for me <3
    Paisley, Jaz and Woowoo like this.
  14. Woowoo

    Woowoo SF Pro SF Artist SF Supporter

    Reading your post made me smile Gems. I'm so pleased that you're going to give therapy a try. Working through your issues won't be easy but I really think and hope it will be beneficial in the long run. And I think finding a new psychiatrist is for the best. Good luck with it. We'll of course be here to support you on your journey. Hugs
    Paisley and Gems like this.
  15. Gems

    Gems Well-Known Member

    @Ryan2013 Dude, your story is so powerful and you are such a strong person for overcoming those experiences. I really drew inspiration from it and it makes me feel like there is hope amongst all the brutality and evil in this world. I confine in my brother a lot, along with my mother and father. They are my rock and foundation. Without them, I am nothing. I am very lucky to have them, but I only tell them so much because I don't want them to worry. My mother has cried over my mental breakdowns many times, and seeing her that way pains me so much. My brother is only a year and a half younger than me, so I find it very easy to talk and relate to him. He is the exact opposite of me; calm, easygoing, not easily offended or angered. Then there's me: hot tempered, always on edge, and a bit of a daredevil. We are like yin and yang, so different, but yet complimentary to each other. I love getting his perspectives on things and just life in general. My father and I have had a lot of rough times, but I know he loves me and I have forgiven him for things he's done in the past.

    About the dating, I have tried dating apps before but that only led to two toxic relationships. The first girlfriend completely stopped talking to me after six months of dating, and then the other one cheated on me, but that's another story for a different time. I think for now, I have to get myself straightened out before I enter another relationship.
    Thanks for telling me about tagged.com, I'll look into it. That's great that you found your girlfriend on there. Maybe there really is someone out there for everyone.

    Thank you so much for informing me about Risperdal, I'll definitely have to ask my future psychiatrist about it. I'm glad it helps you out.
    Also, I have generalized anxiety disorder and suffer from panic attacks, so that's why I was prescribed the Xanax.

    Your responses are always so helpful for me Ryan. I give you much love and respect my friend <3
  16. Gems

    Gems Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much for your support and encouragement @Woowoo :) I'm glad my post made you smile. Hugs <3
    Woowoo likes this.
  17. MarvelFan

    MarvelFan Well-Known Member

    That was one of the most warm hearted thank you I got on here, you are one of the few ones on here that have really appreciated what I'm trying to do here. My sister is like your brother and I like you.

    That is really a part of dating you go through many people. I hope you do get yourself straightened out but if takes a really long time and if you are lonely there are people out there that will still date you even if you have problems. So just let them know after the first couple dates of some of the problems your facing if someone really likes you they will see past that.

    My nuts have been cut off on here for last 2 days because I was trying to be honest about the self harm I did to myself over the years <mod edit - self harm details>but my nuts are still cut off and my post are now awaiting moderation and I have no chat privileges.
    Gems and Innocent Forever like this.
  18. SummerW

    SummerW Member

    I'm so sorry that you're struggling. I hope that things are a little better today. I think it's really good that you decided not to continue going to that same doctor. It's scary how it can be like that sometimes. I hope that you will find someone to talk to though...a counselor or minister. Also, have you considered journaling? That has been something that has really helped me. I write down every thought as it comes...just raw. It gets all of it out of my head and onto paper. Then I can throw it away or I can process each thought one at a time. It really does help. Maybe try it once and see if you think it might make a bit of a difference.
    Jaz, Gems and MarvelFan like this.
  19. Gems

    Gems Well-Known Member

    Hi @SummerW, thanks for checking up on me :) I used to journal for years, but now I do video journals where I talk about my thoughts and issues rather than write them down. I've been doing video journaling for two years and it's been very helpful for me. I like it so much more than writing because it provides a stronger cathartic release for me, and my hands don't get tired lol. I feel better than I did when I wrote this thread, and that's in large part due to all of the lovely support I receive from those on SF.