I'm afraid I have become like my abusers.

#1
Almost every night I have horrible nightmares about my past trauma. Either it is of the event, or it is a nightmare of me either being chased, killed or tortured. And I don't know why, but when I wake up, it takes at most a few hours to realize that I am no longer dreaming and am conscious and awake. These dreams have done horrible things to my psyche, and I have a bad paranoia when it comes to other people. I always fear that someone is coming to kill me or beat me, and I get this homicidal urge to kill those who want to kill me.

Last morning, I woke up after a very messed up dream, and couldn't tell if I was dreaming or not. I walked around the house thinking my parents were the people in my dreams trying to kill me. I let my paranoia get the better of me, and I truly wanted to kill them. I feel horrible for it, and I have no idea why these feelings come over me. I don't want to hurt anyone because I was an idiot and got myself molested. If I do end up hurting someone, I would be even worse than the people who did this to me. I don't want to be like them, or worse than them. But, if I honestly want to kill my parents, then maybe I am, and I should just end it before anything bad happens.
 
#2
I was an idiot and got myself molested
You're not to blame for being sexually abused. A child is not responsible for being sexually abused.

I think it's understandable that you would feel anger toward your parents. I hope there's a way to deal with your feelings in a way that helps.

I might be able to make some suggestions that could help reduce the nightmares, but I don't know if you want suggestions.

I hope that something can help
 

Walker

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#3
It sounds like maybe you've got an honest sleep disorder if it takes you "hours" to wake up from these dreams. Have you talked to anyone about this? I'm less worried about the actual dreams than the amount of time you're stating it takes to really get conscious from them again.
 

Paisley

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#4
It doesn't sound like you actually want to kill your parents since you only have these feelings when you think they're the people from your dreams.
 
#5
It sounds like maybe you've got an honest sleep disorder if it takes you "hours" to wake up from these dreams. Have you talked to anyone about this? I'm less worried about the actual dreams than the amount of time you're stating it takes to really get conscious from them again.
I am awake, but I can't tell that I am awake. I don't know what that means.
 

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