Is it selfish/pointless to live like this? *could be triggering*

[Tana]

Please don't read this if you're not in a good place, I just need to get it off my chest...

I guess, what I want is people saying, "Oh no, it's not", but really, just, I don't know anymore. If there's hope I want to stay a little longer and make a change but, it seems like there's no hope at times and years just go by, and ...nothing really changes. Where am I to even go once there's nowhere to go? I live with my mom, and she won't live forever. I couldn't live off welfare even if I could, and my social service provider threatened to cancel it anyway since I'm not being serious enough, not budging, and she feels like she's speaking to no one. And my mom, which I live with, she actually wants me to die. I'm not kidding. She made it clear I'm a burden, and plain out told me to die of suicide in certain (different methods) already, since I'm not functioning at all...So many people here, I see don't want to die because their loved ones would miss them..I don't have anyone, so what's the point? Well, the hope that things will get better...that I'll figure something out but..really, I don't even know where to turn anymore. I can't work a "normal job" since I have social anxiety and that sort of environment would still be too much to handle. I'm depressed as fuck on top of it now, since I can't have that normal life. Since I have no one and nothing, I wished so many times I'd be dead that it's not even funny. Yet, I'm not quite there yet, too scared of all that could go wrong more than anything...and actually, I said it wrong. It's not even that I want to die, I just want my pain and suffering to end. I want to be more "normal", I want to have someone in my life, someone special and I want to be useful. But it's just not happening...I don' know. Again. I live with my mom and she thinks I should kill myself, my social worker pointed out it's pointless working with me..what now? It's not only me who sees it, but others as well. And they want to release themselves of the burden, which is me...how selfish is me, continuing to live like this? As mom said, I'm not even living, I'm just surviving, what's the point? There is no point mom...I didn't say that, but there is none...I'm just waiting for nothing, hoping things will change, hoping I'LL change, yet nothing...I feel like a total piece of shit who shouldn't have been born in the first place, and all the cards were stacked against me from the start. I feel so lost right now, and hopeless, and stupid, and don't know what to do. I want to go , ideally, far away from this place, and start a new life..but that's not possible...so, what now?

For a side note, I'm starting to see that everything I even thought I was good at is not true, and it was some sort of a delusion, a dunner-Kruger effect, and it kills me to know just how pointless is not only my life but me as well. I'm not really sure, if it's the depression talking when it said I'm not creative, I'm stupid, "borderline retarded", can't write, can't draw, can't do anything, am not even funny anymore, though I maybe "sort of" was once...maybe.

And no, I don't actually want you to lie and say I'm good at something if you know I'm not. But it would help out to point out something, anything positive that would actually mean something to me, since it was tied to my identity ^. IF IT'S TRUE, and you can prove it. Which reminds me, I don't even know who I am anymore. Holly shit. XD

Well, this turned out into a total ramble, went further than expected. Sorry for being heavy, I won't be upset if I don't get responses, I'm sort of a little...lighter just by typing this down just...I know it won't last long. XD ; - see how much I suck?!

 

[roryandlola]

actually you don't 'suck'-quite the opposite really. you put a warning at the start of your message to make sure people knew this could be a trigger, that shows kindness and thought. im not patronising you, but just pointing it out. You are able to make changes, just break it down into small steps. the fact you don't want to end it means that you have got it somewhere inside you to be able to do this. I know its easy to say and hard to do [and I genuinely do understand]. sending you hugs

 

[Tana]

actually you don't 'suck'-quite the opposite really. you put a warning at the start of your message to make sure people knew this could be a trigger, that shows kindness and thought. im not patronising you, but just pointing it out. You are able to make changes, just break it down into small steps. the fact you don't want to end it means that you have got it somewhere inside you to be able to do this. I know its easy to say and hard to do [and I genuinely do understand]. sending you hugs

I'm just not sure for how much longer I can keep at this...but I'll try. Really.

 

[mfor]

You may be looking at it from the wrong angle. It's not what you're good at, or what use you are, but what you want. You don't really want to die, you just feel like you'd make no difference if you did.
Apply some chessboard thinking. Would you like it if the entire world was taken from you? No. Taking yourself from the world is the same.
If others want you to die, they want you to die. Lots of people in the world will want that at some point. If your social worker thinks it's pointless to work with you, sure. It means she thinks that there cannot be any input from her end that can change things. It doesn't mean you're worthless or some kind of lost cause.
Try to do it, well... in parts. Try to finish high school. Even if there's nothing you'd feel worthwhile with only high school, it's still a very significant boost in your choices so that you can get something less unpalatable. After that, not only will you have some credentials, but you'll also have recovered some of your ability to be around people. Put yourself in that kind of 'do-or-die' situation, and, instinctively, you'll find some things changing for you.

 

[Tana]

You may be looking at it from the wrong angle. It's not what you're good at, or what use you are, but what you want. You don't really want to die, you just feel like you'd make no difference if you did.
Apply some chessboard thinking. Would you like it if the entire world was taken from you? No. Taking yourself from the world is the same.
If others want you to die, they want you to die. Lots of people in the world will want that at some point. If your social worker thinks it's pointless to work with you, sure. It means she thinks that there cannot be any input from her end that can change things. It doesn't mean you're worthless or some kind of lost cause.
Try to do it, well... in parts. Try to finish high school. Even if there's nothing you'd feel worthwhile with only high school, it's still a very significant boost in your choices so that you can get something less unpalatable. After that, not only will you have some credentials, but you'll also have recovered some of your ability to be around people. Put yourself in that kind of 'do-or-die' situation, and, instinctively, you'll find some things changing for you.

I'm sorry, but you don't really seem to understand. Thanks for answering anyway.
And I already have a do-or-die written down, it's just not going to the "live" favour much to be honest.

 

[Sonder]

"I want to have someone in my life, someone special and I want to be useful."
The above is not impossible to achieve, no matter who, what or where you are. I dare you to start thinking outside of the box.......
What will it take for someone123 to become someone....?
Having your own accommodation..?
Having your own income?
Doing your own things on your own time?
Start experiencing a bit more of the world seeing that you are in control/independent?
Bump into that person with the beautiful personality and kindness that you desire playing bingo, walking in the park, eyes connecting when you ring up his/her goods on the till, ........ Visualize what you want then focus on what you can make happen and go with the flow.
-
Nothing will happen however if you do not confront your anxiety. I suggest to take small steps every day.

 

[roryandlola]

I'm just not sure for how much longer I can keep at this...but I'll try. Really.

the fact you are going to try is a huge step in itself anyway. this may not be practical so I apologise if you have tried this or don't want to do it, but is there anyway you could ask for a different social worker? she didn't really sound helpful from how you described it and you do deserve a person who can help you. [ not really sure how it all works in the US] also does your medication need changing? when you start to get these smaller things sorted out, just one at a time then the bigger things [like moving out of your moms house] will get easier and seem more achievable. You know you have helped me on here, especially when I have a total breakdown and I am grateful to you. when you feel better, the comments that people make in your life will be easier to ignore. anyway if you just needed to get it all off your chest then oops....I am sorry for all the suggestions. hugs x

 

[Tana]

Nothing.
Never mind, sorry for sharing.

 

[Auri]

I'm really sorry your mom is not supportive and says those things, but she is wrong. If I remember correctly she does have narcissistic tendencies and you should never listen to those people. Not that if she said that and was a normal person it would have been okay. It is not. She's wrong.

You don't suck. You suffer from some mental illnesses, but you shouldn't define yourself by them. Get treatment for them, because they seem to be holding you back. I know it's not easy, but to improve your social anxiety, you'll have to go outside and talk to people. You juste can't do it alone.

You need some change in your life. Don't say "I can't do ... because ...". Try. You just need to take that chance. Perhaps you'll fail, but the second time you'll have learned something, it will be a little easier, and at some point you will succeed. That is how life works. We fail, we learn, we succeed.

 

[Tana]

I'm really sorry your mom is not supportive and says those things, but she is wrong. If I remember correctly she does have narcissistic tendencies and you should never listen to those people. Not that if she said that and was a normal person it would have been okay. It is not. She's wrong.

You don't suck. You suffer from some mental illnesses, but you shouldn't define yourself by them. Get treatment for them, because they seem to be holding you back. I know it's not easy, but to improve your social anxiety, you'll have to go outside and talk to people. You juste can't do it alone.

You need some change in your life. Don't say "I can't do ... because ...". Try. You just need to take that chance. Perhaps you'll fail, but the second time you'll have learned something, it will be a little easier, and at some point you will succeed. That is how life works. We fail, we learn, we succeed.

 

[Sonder]

@someone123 What do you want?
Think about it. What do you want to happen? a Magic button that makes everything OK does not exist.
If we do not have a magic mom, therapist bla, bla, bla, then we have to do things ourselves...
Usually with depression and anxiety,s the things we should do the most are the things we feel like doing the least.

I do not like that you just want to give up. I like you. You have helped so many people here. You are a nice and kind person. I do not want you to give up.

 

[Auri]

Nothing.
Never mind, sorry for sharing.

You know that is not what anyone wants. * wink *

 

[Walker]

Nothing.
Never mind, sorry for sharing.

I think this is why people think it's difficult to work with you - because people are solidly giving you good advice and you're like " yeah this is all bullshit". Truth is, you're unwilling to see things for what they are. Maybe that's your first step.

 

[roryandlola]

You know that is not what anyone wants. * wink *

ditto that and here is a huge hug

 

[Walker]

Parents are often wrong about things. We expect them to love us all unconditionally and whatever but sometimes they're just as messed up as the next person - or worse. You don't have to listen to that..

 

[Sonder]

ditto that and here is a huge hug

Ditto on the ditto and here is another

 

[Tana]

Right ...sorry...but there's nothing to do about it then...
I give up. I'm sorry for pissing you off. I totally get why my reaction was annoying. Thanks for telling me how things are. I won't post these things anymore, just will stick around for a while longer, responding to other people when I can, if that's okay.

 

[Sonder]

Right ...sorry...but there's nothing to do about it then...
I give up. I'm sorry for pissing you off. I totally get why my reaction was annoying. Thanks for telling me how things are. I won't post these things anymore, just will stick around for a while longer, responding to other people when I can, if that's okay.

Of course it is OK. and you do not have to apologize for anything. We are here to help, all of us

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Right ...sorry...but there's nothing to do about it then...
I give up. I'm sorry for pissing you off. I totally get why my reaction was annoying. Thanks for telling me how things are. I won't post these things anymore, just will stick around for a while longer, responding to other people when I can, if that's okay.

You didn't piss anyone off. It's just hard to see you being so hard on yourself when you don't deserve that. Your mom is wrong, you're not a burden and she shouldn't speak to you that way. There's nothing wrong with sharing, we might not have all the answers, but we're always here to listen.

 

[roryandlola]

Right ...sorry...but there's nothing to do about it then...
I give up. I'm sorry for pissing you off. I totally get why my reaction was annoying. Thanks for telling me how things are. I won't post these things anymore, just will stick around for a while longer, responding to other people when I can, if that's okay.

you have just had two huge hugs from us because you are important-so don't stop posting, we all help each other