You and I have talked in depth about various things, and I wouldn't do that with just anyone. Not if I didn't see something special in you, anyway. Sorry, but I'm not one of those people that's simply nice and friendly to everyone. But I was to you. And that's because I do see something special in you. You have a brilliant mind, full of curiousity, imagination, and intrigue. And you can use that mind to your advantage. Your mom can go fuck herself if she told you to die. That's not what mothers are supposed to do. They're supposed to pick you up when you're down, encourage you, and be supportive. I never got that from my mother either, especially in recent years. And I don't really have much going for me right now either in the way of success. But things can change. Even if you don't do anything to change them yourself, new opportunities can arise out of the blue when you least expect them. That's why I'm still here. Because I know I'll eventually die anyway, so might as well ride it out and see what happens. This is your story. Don't let it go without a proper ending.
Is it selfish/pointless to live like this? *could be triggering*
- Thread starter Tana
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@Aurelia
Sorry about your mom, I know it's not ideal.
I don't think there's much of a chance for things to get better for me out of the blue right now, but thank you.
@Everyone
Don't waste your time responding here. I'm really sorry for posting, then pissing people off, and not taking advice.
It's not fair to any of you, so just let it be. And thanks. <3
Sorry about your mom, I know it's not ideal.
I don't think there's much of a chance for things to get better for me out of the blue right now, but thank you.
@Everyone
Don't waste your time responding here. I'm really sorry for posting, then pissing people off, and not taking advice.
It's not fair to any of you, so just let it be. And thanks. <3
@Aurelia
Sorry about your mom, I know it's not ideal.
I don't think there's much of a chance for things to get better for me out of the blue right now, but thank you.
@Everyone
Don't waste your time responding here. I'm really sorry for posting, then pissing people off, and not taking advice.
It's not fair to any of you, so just let it be. And thanks. <3
Sorry about your mom, I know it's not ideal.
I don't think there's much of a chance for things to get better for me out of the blue right now, but thank you.
@Everyone
Don't waste your time responding here. I'm really sorry for posting, then pissing people off, and not taking advice.
It's not fair to any of you, so just let it be. And thanks. <3
hey good morning someone! iām not even half thru your post and i have to comment right now. i know well the āpointlessāness. and i know well the desire to be somehow permanently out of the picture. i also believe your situation and mine are very different but they do have some great similarities too in that i know the above mentioned things i said i know and about years going by with no apparent change.
to me, all the things i have wished for in my life seem out of reach. my opinions that i believe in as the most curcial part of my existence are routinely ignored by everyone i know and donāt know. and i do believe sticking around because others will have difficulty in managing the permanent absence is a strong reason to not die, but seemingly not actually strong enough lots of times, and i know so well that the pain both physical and mental/emotional are really the ārelief fromā that is so desperately needed at times that it does really appear that dying one way or another is the solution.
however (oh no! thereās a āhoweverā) i got a second list that contradicts all of the above and more that iāve forgotten to or neglected to add to the above first list. and these are my own personal reasons that i believe that i keep living when i think dying would be better.
that is that i think that life by its very totally amazing structure and nature is not able to stop itself by its own power. life by nature only wants to and strives to perpetuate life. i think that those who did take their own lives did it by mistake or accident or when really wishing just for relief from the pain. it is those mistakes, accidents or seeking of relief that became intervening forces that sadly made the crucial and unwanted difference.
when you think of it, take the human body for example, it is full of nerves and can feel things. lots of that is pain. (and brains!!! with their feeling emotions!!! wtf!!!) i think pain is something to be experienced and that does not mean one has to love it or even like it. and no other connotations either please.
it is by nature an integral part of being a part of life so experiencing it is a part of our nature. iāve seen dogs and other animals that happily persist even when seriously injured. that does not necessarily solve the delemma though. sooner or later something does come along that does end life. that too is inevitable. waiting for that is a āthingā that can and should be done. it is a part of the nature of things. but that does not mean that only suffering in life is a requirement.
just at this moment iām thinking of people who were made slaves of other people and forced to live in conditions that were more or less constant suffering. those people did find ways to smile. they did find ways to enrich the world with art, beauty, connection and desire to promulgate life. āpromulgateā sorry. its just a favorite word i like to need and use every now and then. those people who suffered that way had no reason to do that except for their life force and to be their each own part of life. but they did do it and do it still.
we all are made slaves to one degree or another and are captured that way. but there is always a way to tap into that life force and dare i say... āshineā.
ok... but... but... look at me... who am i to say all this? take a look around at some of my posts as i know you have, and it does seem very gloomy where my silly and defective brain is lots of the time.
but every time i want to die i realize that i canāt. in fact i feel that i need to be alive simply to screw with the forces in my existence that are trying or appear to be trying to make me want to die.
staying alive is godās gift to us to say f**k you to all that bad s**t.
by dying by āchoiceā which i really consider not choice at all, one is giving the opprotunity of accident to happen, and it is almost as if to be giving up oneās own opportunity to hit lifes difficulties back and be a winner.
people who stay alive are winners. but so important too to, is to realize that those who do die in suicide are winners as well! yes absolutely! they were winners because the did not really want to die and were trying as best as they could to solve their experience of pain. i truly believe that.
makes a person want to cry - so do - but i donāt think it is possible to actually want to die even while believing that you do.
ok, i donāt even know completely where your post was headed and maybe what iām saying here is possibly inappropriate to what you had in mind, for which i do apologize if called for, but i felt these points so deeply right now (maybe because of my present struggles to āstay afloatā) that i just had to say āem.
and i guess that most of all, i want to express about this thing called hope (and wishing). they may not even work but they are accoutrements to life. they are like bars and handles and posts on the walls in hallways or in subway cars etc. they are there to assist in reality and in spirit (and donāt get me started on spirit because i do have so much more to say about that!!!). hoping is a crucial part of life and a part of the life force.
sorry for all my possibly unnecessary reaction and rambling. just had to say it and i hope you are ok with this and finding your own pathway that is responsive to your own life force. see you soon someone123...
to me, all the things i have wished for in my life seem out of reach. my opinions that i believe in as the most curcial part of my existence are routinely ignored by everyone i know and donāt know. and i do believe sticking around because others will have difficulty in managing the permanent absence is a strong reason to not die, but seemingly not actually strong enough lots of times, and i know so well that the pain both physical and mental/emotional are really the ārelief fromā that is so desperately needed at times that it does really appear that dying one way or another is the solution.
however (oh no! thereās a āhoweverā) i got a second list that contradicts all of the above and more that iāve forgotten to or neglected to add to the above first list. and these are my own personal reasons that i believe that i keep living when i think dying would be better.
that is that i think that life by its very totally amazing structure and nature is not able to stop itself by its own power. life by nature only wants to and strives to perpetuate life. i think that those who did take their own lives did it by mistake or accident or when really wishing just for relief from the pain. it is those mistakes, accidents or seeking of relief that became intervening forces that sadly made the crucial and unwanted difference.
when you think of it, take the human body for example, it is full of nerves and can feel things. lots of that is pain. (and brains!!! with their feeling emotions!!! wtf!!!) i think pain is something to be experienced and that does not mean one has to love it or even like it. and no other connotations either please.
it is by nature an integral part of being a part of life so experiencing it is a part of our nature. iāve seen dogs and other animals that happily persist even when seriously injured. that does not necessarily solve the delemma though. sooner or later something does come along that does end life. that too is inevitable. waiting for that is a āthingā that can and should be done. it is a part of the nature of things. but that does not mean that only suffering in life is a requirement.
just at this moment iām thinking of people who were made slaves of other people and forced to live in conditions that were more or less constant suffering. those people did find ways to smile. they did find ways to enrich the world with art, beauty, connection and desire to promulgate life. āpromulgateā sorry. its just a favorite word i like to need and use every now and then. those people who suffered that way had no reason to do that except for their life force and to be their each own part of life. but they did do it and do it still.
we all are made slaves to one degree or another and are captured that way. but there is always a way to tap into that life force and dare i say... āshineā.
ok... but... but... look at me... who am i to say all this? take a look around at some of my posts as i know you have, and it does seem very gloomy where my silly and defective brain is lots of the time.
but every time i want to die i realize that i canāt. in fact i feel that i need to be alive simply to screw with the forces in my existence that are trying or appear to be trying to make me want to die.
staying alive is godās gift to us to say f**k you to all that bad s**t.
by dying by āchoiceā which i really consider not choice at all, one is giving the opprotunity of accident to happen, and it is almost as if to be giving up oneās own opportunity to hit lifes difficulties back and be a winner.
people who stay alive are winners. but so important too to, is to realize that those who do die in suicide are winners as well! yes absolutely! they were winners because the did not really want to die and were trying as best as they could to solve their experience of pain. i truly believe that.
makes a person want to cry - so do - but i donāt think it is possible to actually want to die even while believing that you do.
ok, i donāt even know completely where your post was headed and maybe what iām saying here is possibly inappropriate to what you had in mind, for which i do apologize if called for, but i felt these points so deeply right now (maybe because of my present struggles to āstay afloatā) that i just had to say āem.
and i guess that most of all, i want to express about this thing called hope (and wishing). they may not even work but they are accoutrements to life. they are like bars and handles and posts on the walls in hallways or in subway cars etc. they are there to assist in reality and in spirit (and donāt get me started on spirit because i do have so much more to say about that!!!). hoping is a crucial part of life and a part of the life force.
sorry for all my possibly unnecessary reaction and rambling. just had to say it and i hope you are ok with this and finding your own pathway that is responsive to your own life force. see you soon someone123...
I could give short stories more of a shot since I don't ever finish anything larger...
And certain stuff does come out at random, even if it's not that good and needs edits...I'll try. Then try to send it out, seems hopeless but...if I would manage to get something small published somewhere by chance, it would maybe give more of a confidence/will to keep going...as lame as that might sound.
Thanks, Aurelia. <3
Also, could use a native speaker to check how it sounds, and give feedback.... *hint, lol*
PS: If someone knows where I can send out depressive/adult stuff for a little change or something, let me know.
I know this is not a real step or whatever, didn't even ask for this, but I'm glad I got asked that, and hope you understand I really can't do bigger for now.
And certain stuff does come out at random, even if it's not that good and needs edits...I'll try. Then try to send it out, seems hopeless but...if I would manage to get something small published somewhere by chance, it would maybe give more of a confidence/will to keep going...as lame as that might sound.
Thanks, Aurelia. <3
Also, could use a native speaker to check how it sounds, and give feedback.... *hint, lol*
PS: If someone knows where I can send out depressive/adult stuff for a little change or something, let me know.
I know this is not a real step or whatever, didn't even ask for this, but I'm glad I got asked that, and hope you understand I really can't do bigger for now.
@extraterrestrialone Thank you for that lovely, detailed post. <3
I wish I had more to say on it, but I really appreciated it a lot. Just by seeing how much time you spent in typing this makes me feel better for some "odd" reason. <3 <3
Thank you.
I wish I had more to say on it, but I really appreciated it a lot. Just by seeing how much time you spent in typing this makes me feel better for some "odd" reason. <3 <3
Thank you.
It's not the size of the work, it's the quality. Every good writer and avid reader knows that. š And of course I'd be willing to look it over for you. As far as spelling, grammar, and punctuation goes, I've got you covered. But I don't know too much about overall structure, so you might want to get someone a bit more experienced in that particular field.
I'm just not sure for how much longer I can keep at this...but I'll try. Really.
In a nutshell @someone123 - I think one of the the points of living is to make life as good as we ourselves can make, regardless of what other people say about us.
I can imagine that hearing your mom say you should kill yourself would hurt - a lot!
A lot of our ability to get better comes from self-reflection and hard work to learn how to process the past so we can find a better now and a better future.
If we mire ourselves in negativity, thatās how we will see our world - past, present and future. Is that who you are, @someone123 ? Or do you have dreams that you would like to fulfill? If there are any constructive positive things you would like to see for yourself, what are those things? What would it take to achieve them or find them?
If we donāt try, we donāt know if we can or cannot. Even if we have tried before and not met with success, we can try again, maybe in a new way, and do better. Or maybe we just do our best and find other things that we like too. Life is not made up of just one area of life that is rewarding. Itās many areas. Find one that gives us pleasure/success and we can build on those feelings in the other areas, and very likely improve things.
I am sorry you feel that suicide is one option for you. What do YOU want in LIFE? Would you like to talk about how those things might be achieved? Maybe the collective experiences of people here on SF can support you and cheer you on?!
I think suicide is a sad decision for the person who commits - that person never ever gets to see what good they might have had.
I hope you will be constructive with yourself rather than self-destructive. I think you deserve the chance to flourish.
I can imagine that hearing your mom say you should kill yourself would hurt - a lot!
A lot of our ability to get better comes from self-reflection and hard work to learn how to process the past so we can find a better now and a better future.
If we mire ourselves in negativity, thatās how we will see our world - past, present and future. Is that who you are, @someone123 ? Or do you have dreams that you would like to fulfill? If there are any constructive positive things you would like to see for yourself, what are those things? What would it take to achieve them or find them?
If we donāt try, we donāt know if we can or cannot. Even if we have tried before and not met with success, we can try again, maybe in a new way, and do better. Or maybe we just do our best and find other things that we like too. Life is not made up of just one area of life that is rewarding. Itās many areas. Find one that gives us pleasure/success and we can build on those feelings in the other areas, and very likely improve things.
I am sorry you feel that suicide is one option for you. What do YOU want in LIFE? Would you like to talk about how those things might be achieved? Maybe the collective experiences of people here on SF can support you and cheer you on?!
I think suicide is a sad decision for the person who commits - that person never ever gets to see what good they might have had.
I hope you will be constructive with yourself rather than self-destructive. I think you deserve the chance to flourish.
@Acy I had dreams..but even the simplest ones seem out of reach now.
I really can't do certain things, I don't want it to define me either, but I *am* still too sick for certain things..that's part of the reason I said, I just wish/want to be more "normal", as far as these health issues go...
I would want my own place, a significant other, to feel useful and needed. But it is kind of pointless since I can't get a job right now, or anything like that..and of course, I'd need money and stuff for all that to happen...sorry if this sounds like it doesn't matter, it sort of does matter to me, since I can't even imagine having/doing anything bigger...but also, even this doesn't seem to have a good solution...I wanted to...want to, *could* ideally work from home, but it seems like a lost cause...still...will try again. Picking some smaller "project" that I'd actually have enough will to finish up.
Thank you.
I really can't do certain things, I don't want it to define me either, but I *am* still too sick for certain things..that's part of the reason I said, I just wish/want to be more "normal", as far as these health issues go...
I would want my own place, a significant other, to feel useful and needed. But it is kind of pointless since I can't get a job right now, or anything like that..and of course, I'd need money and stuff for all that to happen...sorry if this sounds like it doesn't matter, it sort of does matter to me, since I can't even imagine having/doing anything bigger...but also, even this doesn't seem to have a good solution...I wanted to...want to, *could* ideally work from home, but it seems like a lost cause...still...will try again. Picking some smaller "project" that I'd actually have enough will to finish up.
Thank you.
@someone123 - then we do what we can do to get by constructively until we can do more to reach our goals. Maybe your goal plan would be something like this:
1. Steps to get better (whatever those steps are - I donāt know, but you will)
2. Deciding what you want to do first when you are well enough - perhaps find a job that you can do or if youāre not well enough, then see about government social assistance for a while.
3. Look into some kind of independent but supported living arrangement (many areas have such a thing, though some donāt)
4. If you are not able to work, maybe you could do a few hours of volunteering each week or even each month.
5. If you are well enough, you might take courses for skills that could help you with feeling like you can work, and then for finding work.
Iām not suggesting the above is what you āshouldā do - itās just a list of possible ways building up a new way of being. I am confident that if you think and make your life changes with a lot consideration, you can get a lot of what you want from life. Itās definitely worth working toward.
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