I guess, what I want is people saying, "Oh no, it's not", but really, just, I don't know anymore. If there's hope I want to stay a little longer and make a change but, it seems like there's no hope at times
hey good morning someone! iām not even half thru your post and i have to comment right now. i know well the āpointlessāness. and i know well the desire to be somehow permanently out of the picture. i also believe your situation and mine are very different but they do have some great similarities too in that i know the above mentioned things i said i know and about years going by with no apparent change.
to me, all the things i have wished for in my life seem out of reach. my opinions that i believe in as the most curcial part of my existence are routinely ignored by everyone i know and donāt know. and i do believe sticking around because others will have difficulty in managing the permanent absence is a strong reason to not die, but seemingly not actually strong enough lots of times, and i know so well that the pain both physical and mental/emotional are really the ārelief fromā that is so desperately needed at times that it does really appear that dying one way or another is the solution.
however (oh no! thereās a āhoweverā) i got a second list that contradicts all of the above and more that iāve forgotten to or neglected to add to the above first list. and these are my own personal reasons that i believe that i keep living when i think dying would be better.
that is that i think that life by its very totally amazing structure and nature is not able to stop itself by its own power. life by nature only wants to and strives to perpetuate life. i think that those who did take their own lives did it by mistake or accident or when really wishing just for relief from the pain. it is those mistakes, accidents or seeking of relief that became intervening forces that sadly made the crucial and unwanted difference.
when you think of it, take the human body for example, it is full of nerves and can feel things. lots of that is pain. (and brains!!! with their feeling emotions!!! wtf!!!) i think pain is something to be experienced and that does not mean one has to love it or even like it. and no other connotations either please.
it is by nature an integral part of being a part of life so experiencing it is a part of our nature. iāve seen dogs and other animals that happily persist even when seriously injured. that does not necessarily solve the delemma though. sooner or later something does come along that does end life. that too is inevitable. waiting for that is a āthingā that can and should be done. it is a part of the nature of things. but that does not mean that only suffering in life is a requirement.
just at this moment iām thinking of people who were made slaves of other people and forced to live in conditions that were more or less constant suffering. those people did find ways to smile. they did find ways to enrich the world with art, beauty, connection and desire to promulgate life. āpromulgateā sorry. its just a favorite word i like to need and use every now and then. those people who suffered that way had no reason to do that except for their life force and to be their each own part of life. but they did do it and do it still.
we all are made slaves to one degree or another and are captured that way. but there is always a way to tap into that life force and dare i say... āshineā.
ok... but... but... look at me... who am i to say all this? take a look around at some of my posts as i know you have, and it does seem very gloomy where my silly and defective brain is lots of the time.
but every time i want to die i realize that i canāt. in fact i feel that i need to be alive simply to screw with the forces in my existence that are trying or appear to be trying to make me want to die.
staying alive is godās gift to us to say f**k you to all that bad s**t.
by dying by āchoiceā which i really consider not choice at all, one is giving the opprotunity of accident to happen, and it is almost as if to be giving up oneās own opportunity to hit lifes difficulties back and be a winner.
people who stay alive are winners. but so important too to, is to realize that those who do die in suicide are winners as well! yes absolutely! they were winners because the did not really want to die and were trying as best as they could to solve their experience of pain. i truly believe that.
makes a person want to cry - so do - but i donāt think it is possible to actually want to die even while believing that you do.
ok, i donāt even know completely where your post was headed and maybe what iām saying here is possibly inappropriate to what you had in mind, for which i do apologize if called for, but i felt these points so deeply right now (maybe because of my present struggles to āstay afloatā) that i just had to say āem.
and i guess that most of all, i want to express about this thing called hope (and wishing). they may not even work but they are accoutrements to life. they are like bars and handles and posts on the walls in hallways or in subway cars etc. they are there to assist in reality and in spirit (and donāt get me started on spirit because i do have so much more to say about that!!!). hoping is a crucial part of life and a part of the life force.
sorry for all my possibly unnecessary reaction and rambling. just had to say it and i hope you are ok with this and finding your own pathway that is responsive to your own life force. see you soon someone123...