Sweet and sour day for me. Resisted meds for depression, I really don't like taking stuff, found the chat room useful, friendly folk in there, I say hi but generally I don't like to interrupt a conversation between two people. You know I think it is a common thing here where people feel just so low that thoughts of ending your life are with you, I have these thoughts but I know deep down I never would have the courage? I haven't written my story since joining here because there is a lot going on currently but as an example, when I was 12,13 or so social workers came to my school and I was told my Mum was ill. I was packed off to Basingstoke to live with an aunt. I was not told exactly what was wrong with my Mum and I wasn't allowed to see her. My behaviour was so bad because I couldn't settle I was put into council care, my Mum signed the papers, later I found out about her attempted suicide, it was a kitchen knife to the stomach / intestines and the neighbour Sally had found her, doctors said my Mum was maybe just an hour from death. She survived but we have never got on and I am not sure if she is alive or not, only that a few years ago she was living in Wiltshire and she might be around 80 years old now. I keep telling myself I should just go to the town and find out, maybe I should do this tomorrow, it would not cost anything for the trip, just three buses involved for a 150-mile round trip. So something like that will always leave scars, what I mean is, where is that line, at some point my Mum must have crossed a line, in her mind she actually physically did that, mutilated herself in her attempt to end life. And sorry for the frankness, but I know I could not have the courage to do that, I'm still here as proof of that at least. Writing about this also underpins just how valuable a site like SF is - we can offload as I have done here, exchange experiences and support each other through dark times.
