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Let me whine please

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#1
I'm feeling dumb. And cruel. And stupid. And alone. And... Lonely, I guess, which is even more weird because I've never thought I could until I read the book. I haven't thought a loneliness to be a thing, actually. For them, maybe. Not for me. Why would I feel lonely?
The last week was a... quite nice, I guess. And I feel okay. Except I want to be heard but I don't even know anyone who would listen. And I can't just talk to sis or mom because it's me and I'm stupid, okay? I didnt want to ask for help because I didn't want to be helped and now it's like I messed it up and I just need to talk. To be heard. To be... I don't know. A little less alone?
Damn, my hand is in pain. And my leg, and... I did it to myself, yeah. I shouldn't complain for what I've done, right? I could just not do it but I did and I knew it will be painful so, once more, I shouldnt complain. I shouldn't show it. They must not know. I should just keep smiling, right?
Well, if it was only me who got hurt because of me it wouldnt be a problem. But I tried to strangle my little bro. It's like... He's four. His life's in my hands. I should be better, I should take care of him, I should keep calm but he was annoying and yeah, what a stupid way to act, I pushed him and yelled at him and then was holding his neck and asking if he could just live me alone until I did something worse. Of course he stayed and kept being an annoying little kid he is. He thought it was a game. He can't understand how badly I wanted him to disappear.
I hate myself.
So, yup, now I'm not only dangerous for myself but for others too. And it sucks. I used to be angry on my self and what would few new wounds change? Nothing. It doesn't matter. They won't even notice it.
But I don't want to hurt anyone else.
I mean, I want. And it's scary.
I look as a maniac, I guess. Blood on my hands. Mine. Seven wounds in seven days. The week seems to suck, you know? It's not like I used to cut myself everyday. I didn't do it for a half of a year! But here I am. Once more. F*ck.
I didn't want to ask for help that week. I did until it started. I remember I asked mom could we find a therapist. She asked me, "Do you really need it?" I didn't have an answer. I felt as if I was fine. I feel as if I AM fine. Except I'm literally bleeding. I am always fine, okay? No matter what. I'm fine.
Mom's one of those people who think that if you pretend hard enough you are really better. It works. I guess. I don't feel bad. I tried to tell her there has to be a way to really BE better but she doesn't listen and everything I do now is just a way to prove her wrong. I'm ruining my life (I didn't do any of my homework for a weeeeeeeek, i'll have lots of troubles) and feel better just to make her wrong. It's dumb. I am. F*uck me.
And there are sisters in my life. I mean, cousins. In my language there's no word "cousin" so I gonna keep call them "sisters" if you don't mind. So, yeah, there are. And there are busy. Or in no mood to talk. Or both. It's not like I really tryed. Im still stupid, you see? I didn't say "I need to talk, please, listen, I know, you care". I didn't let them know what's really happining. So it's my fault. But when I tryed to say that something is wrong... Well, the first one didn't answer. The second didn't have a mood to talk.
(Once more, my fault. I did it to myself. I shouldnt complain. Why the hell do I want to?!)
Mom is working. Right now. I'm sitting with little brother but he won't understand. I could come to my mom once more, sure. But when I asked her to see a musical together she said she'll be free next month. (Fun fuck: the musical is about a teenager and his mom is always at work and it leads to few problems. I thought we would watch it together and she would ask, "Do you feel like that?", and I would be like "I know, you're busy but bro's not the one who needs your attention, please". But she's too busy to watch it until next month. It's in too weeks, you know.)
Oh, well, she came home while I was writing. Did I tell her anything about it? Nope. I'm still stupid, you see? I just covered the wounds, helped her to wash dishes and came to my room. At least there's no brother here. There no one, actually, but I used to it.
You know, I don't really feel lonely. Never. But when I think about it it's obvious I should. I mean, sisters are busy. I haven't seen father for few months. My mother works every day. And I don't have a single friend. You know, when I think about it, it seems to be a reason for feeling bad.
And still... I don't feel. I obviously am (because what else reason do I have to keep cutting myself?) but don't feel it.
Thanks, mom, I guess, your advise worked and I really pretended long enough to just forget how to feel bad.
Funny.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Well, I don't have anything else to say. So I'd better stop whining. Bye.
 

Freya

Loves SF
Forum Owner
ADMIN
SF Author
#2
I know that you have requested empathy only, and normally I would adhere to that. You are obviously in considerable distress. I do not think that you are whining but I do think that you are in need of some professional help rather than peer support. You have a lot going on here and if it is manifesting in very serious assault such as strangling a small child, that is beyond the scope of peer support and needs to be addressed by a medical professional. I urge you to speak with a doctor. If your mother is asking if you really need a therapist then I think that the answer is clearly yes, you do. I recognise that you feel you need to prove to her that you are not okay. I suggest you begin with being honest about the extent of the danger to yourself and to other people.

I am going to close this thread as it discusses harm to another which is not a topic that peer support can help with. It is also in a section where people can't reply because what you describe here does really need advice and practical support, ideally in real life. Please feel free to start another thread in an area where people can give you support - it seems that you are having some difficulty processing whether you are 'really' not okay and in controlling your destructive impulses. We have a lot of members who feel this way - perhaps you could post and ask for ideas that have worked for other people to not harm themselves when they are distressed or how to control their emotions so they don't do something they feel worse about later.

Please talk to your mother very seriously and stop hiding the problem. You cannot get help if you hide the problem.

Be safe,

Freya
 
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