Missing my wife

[1Lefty]

As I re-read over my post, I noticed a couple of omissions that I wanted to correct.

First, Alesia and our doctor formed a bond because of a few things - the doctor was also African-American in a clinic full of white doctors. She also had an unusual first name, which also happened to be Alesia's sister's first name. But she did advocate for Alesia when no one else had the time, or the interst in really finding out what the problem was. We became friends, she visited our house, we visited hers. She made suggestions when one of us needed a specialist.

I also mentioned that Alesia and I prayed before her surgery. Acually, we prayed everyday - over meals, when one of us was in need, when a friend or loved one was ill. We didn't attend church, the pews did not give Alesia the legroom she needed, Nor did we push any belief on anyone - our faith was our faith, and everyone else was free to have theirs.

With that clarified -

Alesia left the hospital the next day. She craved I talian drive-through, so I got a bucket of spaghetti, with rolls for both of us. She ate 2 bites and decided that wasn't what she wanted after all.She wanted some ginger ale to settle her stomach, so I went to the store for the ginger ale. Back home, my food was cold, but Alesia was in pain, and apologetic. Not a big deal, we've got a micowave. And it was more or less a few days like that, nothing tasted"right" to her. when she started eating better, and feeling better, I sat on the bed beside her, I took her hand, ans said "Alesia, I have to tell you something...." and immediately she teared up, "What, what is it?" and then full out sobbing "What happened? What's wrong?" and after a few minutes, she was still crying but, but slowed enough to tell there was still one stone they couldn't get laproscopically. "What? What? Another operation?........why didn't they tell me, why didn't you tell me, you're my husband" I tried to explain that I wanted to wait until she was better, and could handle some bad news. "Another operation, another operation" was all she could sob, then she reached for the phone, for her sister or one of her friends, and I did all I knew how to do, I went outside for a smoke.

 

[MoAnamCara]

:arms:

 

[1Lefty]

Within an hour, Alesia was her sweet self, we went to the specialist who explained that for this second surgery, she would be lying on her stomach, and the instruments inserted down her throat. She didn't like the idea, but we didn't have any choice. She was still afraid of being put under, and as they wheeled her through the doors and we had to part hands, she said, "If I don't wake up, remember I love you", then she was sedated.

Her recovery went much the same as the first, and back home, we returned to the one room we lived in. It was summertime, and we could only afford a window unit. We hadn't spent much money on the bed in that room (the spare bedroom) and it was hard and uncomfortable. We used quilts and movers' packing pads to try for a softer surface, but it didn't help much. There was a third bedroom that she used as her office, and she would have to cross the hall to her computer/fax machine (remember 56k modems?) Then back to the cooler, spare bedroom. We bought a small dorm-sized refrigerator and a microwave and set up a smal TV and VCR at the end of the bed. There was a radio/cassette player for music, and we functioned as best we could in what was basically a small efficiency apartment. Sometimes on the way home from work, I would stop at the grocery store for a small carton of sherbet, or our favorite, the quart jars full of chilled fruit - grapes, pineapple, grapefruit, cherries. I would kick my shoes off, grab a couple of forks, and we would share the entire jar.

She might sometimes say " Must take some kind of love to get me to leave California for this", and other times she would say (as she often did) "I'd live anywhere, as long as it was with you". But she never got irritable, or complained, even being mostly confined to a sparse bedroom for two months of Kansas City's humid heat. And after the sun went down, and the outside was a little cooler, we'd go out driving, I showed her some of the landmarks, and spots she needed to know in her new home.
We had our first anniversary coming up, but before then, it was my turn for surgery, when I was sliding a box from a shelf at work, and it was much heavier than I thought, and blew out one of the repaired hernias. Then she took care of me, the only time she would fuss was when I went downstairs and outside to smoke. She had asthma, and other breathing problems, but thought it would be easier on me to smoke inside. And she kept showing me what sweetness, and kindness, care and affection really were.

 

[1Lefty]

The weather became cooler, and we moved to our real bedroom, with a more comfortable, bigger bed, It was sparse, but there was more room, And then it was our first anniversary, a milestone, an accomplishment. We had steak, and went to one of the casinos, where Alesia was content to play and lose a few rolls of nickels at one of the slot machines. And we were both still in pain from our surgeries, so we went home,exchanged cards, and had sent each other emails, too.

It was another fall day, when I got home from work, and had to kick off my shoes and lie down. Alesia lay down beside me, and I hadn't meant to, but fell into a nap. Forty minutes later, I opened my eyes to see Alesia's big brown eyes looking at me, with a smile on her face. "I was wondering how long you were going to sleep. I tried not to move so I didn't wake you''

I had to ask her "What were you doing?" "Watching you sleep", and her smile grew a little and some special glow on her face, some kind of understanding was in her eyes. And then I understood this new feeling that I had - I was adored, I was admired. And if there was a pool of love somewhere, where other people dipped their toes, and some went in to their knees, and some dared to go a little further, then Alesia and I were all the way in what the poets had been trying to describe for years.
We were in the good stuff.

And then came the afternoon when I came home from work. We'd bought an antique upright piano, and it was against the wall, the first thing I saw when I walked in the front door. And on the piano bench were three albums - Jimmie Spheeris. And operation, stitches or not, I took the stairs 2 at a time. Alesia was beaming, and she couldn't talk, I was squeezing her, I was kissing the sides of her neck, then I had to catch a breath, and she said "Were those the ones you wanted?" "Oh, yes" was all I could get out because I had to breathe deep.

Jimmie Spheeris, something of a regional artist, and I'd mentioned him once to Alesia, in Las Vegas, when I found out on the Internet that he'd died several years before. And then I knew what devotion was, when you care enough about someone to pay attention and remember details of a conversation almost 2 years earlier.

O yes, we had the good stuff

 

[LouisMartin]

I can't bear being without her, so 13 days ago, I chose to join her. That failed, so I spent 9 days in a psych ward.

RIP Baby Girl
The song for the day is "In My Life" by The Beatles[/QUOTE]

Hang in There Bro, Separation Anxiety is only a Temporary problem & you won't live a 100 years to endure such pain & Grief, Rest Assured She's alive and well and Waiting for your home coming when your time is Right, Heaven is a Place for Reunification and Gathering, try to keep yourself occupied and stay focused on you daily tasks, whenever you feel down talk to a close friend or relatives, an Hourly Paid Counselor may be your last resort because they often time their sessions, Regards.- Lou

 

[1Lefty]

Hope is a good thing, perhaps the best of things.............
From Shawshank Redemption, and it just came to mind.

It's been a shitty day, approaching the 2 year anniversary of my wife's death. I know that's a major trigger. But there's another 2 year anniversary coming up, and I'm not sure of the date. It was a day we had waited for, a chance to consult with the premier orthopedic surgeon in the area. He had repaired and replaced injuries on college and professional football players. And it wasn't easy to get to see him, he was located in another state, and there were problems with the insurance coverage. After Alesia made enough phone calls, she secured the authorization.

We had been told 10 years earlier that the cartilage was gone in her left knee, and 90% gone in her right. She needed the surgery then but was considered too young.

On a slushy day, Alesia made her way out to the car and with the sky barely spitting snowflakes, we were off. We found the medical building, and were called into his office. He had her move her legs, prodded and twisted her knees. He looked at x-rays, scans, squeezed her knees more, she struggled so hard to kept from crying. He told her that she had advanced arthritis, bone spurs and bone to bone contact in her knees. We knew all of this already. He said. "Yes, your knees look pretty bad. I could do the surgery." And while he paused a second, and Alesia was about to exhale in relief, he said "But I won't"It's risky, and I've never lost a patient yet" And that was it, without the knee replacements, Alesia would be bound to a wheelchair, in a split-level home with no bedroom or bath on the main floor.While he maintained his stellar reputation and lifestyle, by choosing only the safest, least challenging patients.

A few weeks after her death, I made a list, it turned out to be fairly long, of the disappointments and unfairness that Alesia had survived through. The knee appointment was one of them, distance from friends and family, the death of her godmother, the death of our uncle, being cheated of her mother's inheritance, by her own brother. And that was just the start.just the start of the start, depending on how far back you went. And some people are challenged each day, to rise up against the pain, put aside the negativity, and make a lovely, pleasant life for themselves and their loved ones. I know some days the effort it took, that she did it by sheer force of her will.

I think she kept her beautiful spirit and gentle will alive through hope. And maybe throughout all the hurts and disappointments, she just ran out of hope

 

[MoAnamCara]

And, don't forget, her spirit will always be with you. :hug:

 

[1Lefty]

I was in a room the other day, not one I'm usually in. I glanced into the closet, and on the shelf above the clothing rail, was a pair of my Frye boots, tipped but the heels were caught by the clothing rail, they didn't fall. I had bought them while working in a shoe store, like cowboy boots, but with squared off toes, thick leather soles and solid stacked leather heels.The smooth blonde leather reached almost to my knees. My stride was a little different when I wore them, and Alesia liked me to wear them. I think she liked to watch me walk. I always said, if I ever got married, it would be in jeans, wearing boots. And that's exactly what happened, married to a girl with 3 teddy bears on her casual top.

I took good care of my boots, never walking in the snow or where they'd be exposed to salt or chemicals. Then time went by and they got moved to the back of the closet. Not completely forgotten, but not worn either.
.
Then several years later, I was laying out my suit and clothing, for the next day, Alesia's funeral. The shoes were last because I knew I had two good pair of dress shoes, that I'd bought while working at the shoe store . The problem was in finding them, there had been 4 or 5 moves, packing, unpacking, packing again, since I had seen them. I searched closets, boxes, drawers, cabinets and some 2 or 3 years later, I found them.

But my feet had grown through the years and I could not get either pair on. Not that they were tight, but I could not physically fit them onto my feet. The time was late in the evening, maybe even early morning and the shoe stores and men's stores were closed. This was already a solemn time in my life, and tears of sadness and frustration were forming. I could not lay my wife to rest while wearing tennis shoes, or my worn and beaten everyday shoes. I had seen a bottle of leather dye, in the utility closet, maybe used by Alesia for her crafts, or to touch up a scuffed hat or purse. And it happened to be black.

I shook the bottle, almost full, and laid newspaper on the kitchen floor. After about an hour later, my blonde boots were receiving their second coat of black dye, The somber day arrived mere hours later, not the ceremony I might have wished for, but her family and friends were scattered across the nation. We had no church that we attended, and having had some bad experiences with impromptu clergy before, I wrote the eulogy. We closed with the Our Father Prayer and it was done.

It didn't occur to me at the time, but as I took the boots down from the closet shelf, a little dusty and stiff, as was I, I had a realization. The same boots were at the ceremony that marked the happiest day of my life. And they were also present at the ceremony that marked the worst day of my life.

Maybe a little leather moisturizer, but I think I'll wear them for a while.

 

[IV2010]

:console:

 

[1Lefty]

From the beginning of our relationship, Alesia and I had a policy of total honesty. Except for the Christmas and birthday or impromptu surprises. I had held one thing back, and I wasn't necessarily lying about or exactly hiding it. It was to be Alesia's, but I wanted to present it to her at some event or ceremony.
It was my mom's wedding ring, and it was the most valuable thing I owned. It probably hadn't been very expensive, and she wore the corners and edges smooth over 35 years. At her funeral, Dad asked if there was anything I wanted, I still don't know why I wanted it, other than she had cherished it for 35 years. Dad nodded, and said that in some places, it was a tradition the the mother's ring be passed down to the eldest son. Later, he told me "You'll know when you find the right hand."
Alesia and I had been married 2 years, and one of my sisters asked her to see the ring.Alesia didn't know which ring, and my dear sister said "You've been married 2 years and Bob hasn't given you the ring?" Her voice rose and rose with each word. I'm not sure Alesia knew what to think. But when we were alone, she gently, hesitantly said "Your sister said something about a ring?" And I knew which sister, I knew which ring, and I knew my surprise had been shot to pieces.
So I had her sit while I got the ring, and I got down on one knee, presenting her a rather plain box, and as I explained, she marveled over it. I told her how special it was to me, because of the woman that had worn it, and how it was more special now that she wore it. It was a joining of her to my mother she never met. She cried, hugged me of course, and made sure to wear it to the next family gathering.
And at the annual family reunions after, she wore it, and the aunts and uncles (mom's brothers and sisters) had to admire it, because it meant a lot to them, too. And one uncle, the elder, asked for her hand and each time kissed it. She was always glad to extend her hand to him. And he was one of the first of the aunts and uncles who let me know how special Alesia was, and how glad they were that we were together.

 

[ZacThomas]

I lost my wife last month. Feeling very sad and lonely even wanted to commit suicide but just not doing so because of my children.

 

[1Lefty]

Hi Zac - You have my condolences. One of the books I've read on grieving says that the loss of a spouse is the most painful loss there is, and I believe it. I hope you have supportive family and friends, if so, they probably won't automatically know what to do, so don't be afraid to ask for help.

I haven't been on this site much lately, but if you will send me a PM (Private Message) I'll give you my email address, and give you the titles of books, or copies of literature.

 

[1Lefty]

I'm posting this on what would have been Alesia's 52nd birthday.

It's likely my last post to this thread, unless I remember something really significant.

I've covered quite a bit of our history, but thought this time I would focus on two of her character traits - her spirit of cooperation, and especially sharing. Please forgive me if I've already written about some of this.

There is a glass pumpkin jar that she filled for Halloween, but she also kept filled throughout the year. Word spread, and Alesia's studio apartment became a safe gathering place for the kids. After a child had visited the candy jar a few days, Alesia would innocently ask how they were doing in school, if there was any subject they were having trouble in. She might agree "That does seem hard. Why don't you bring your book and homework next time you come over?" Alesia would then play tutor, giving them attention and encouragement they weren't getting. A high 5 when they caught on, and a free pass at the candy jar.

Then there were two little boys next door to her apartment, being raised by a single mother. She got to know them, too, and through them, met their mother and became close friends. When Halloween rolled around, Alesia and V bought 2 giant sized Snickers bars, and taped quarters to them until they were covered. That was the real treat for the two boys, a chance to buy the miniature cars they loved. When times were lean, Alesia and V made sure the boys had a healthy supper, then homework and bed. While they were sleeping, Alesia and V split a baked potato, And if either couldn't pay the electricity bill, the other would run an extension cord from their plug-in, through the front window, into the other's front window and to the refrigerator, so any milk or food wouldn't spoil.

Sometimes a friend would call, and Alesia could tell that they were short for that month. The next day, a card was on the way with $20.00 or $40.00, or whatever we could spare. Sometimes, if the need was immediate, she would have me take the cash and send it MoneyGram, She never confirmed it to me, but I think that sometimes the extra cash came from pawning some of her jewelry. And as far as I know, she redeemed all of it. Still, paying %40 interest on $60.00 or $100, just so she could help a friend........

Another friend had started pawning jewelry, then had to pawn more to make the payment on the first loan. And the next month, another pawn (including her wedding ring, and grandmother's heirloom jewelry) just to make the payment on the first two. She was finally able to get enough money from her employee savings plan to get all of the jewelry out of pawn, giving the money to her husband to go down to the shop and reclaim the jewelry. The husband, though, had a woman on the side, and showed back up at the house 3 days later, broke, and with no jewelry.
The loss of the jewelry was traumatic enough, but she also found out that her husband was cheating. She called Alesia in tears, the jewelry had already been forfeited to the pawn shop, and the husband had slipped away for another few days.Alesia patiently listened,then told her friend, "Look I have a chain I don't wear any more, and some bracelets and a couple of rings. Why don't you come and pick you out some?"
The same family (by now the husband was living full time with his other woman, leaving only one income for the house), after Thanksgiving, the teenage son called Alesia. Although we both knew him, he had never called us before. His mom was feeling bad because she couldn't provide a Christmas dinner for them. Alesia didn't hesitate "How much do you think you need?" $50 was what he estimated, so Alesia sent $60, after making sure he could get the mail before his mom came home, and that he could get a ride to the grocery store. Christmas eve, the mother called, sobbing hard, when she came home, the table was full of the Christmas dinner fixings.

When I started building computers, Alesia made sure that each of her friends received one, her brother, too. He didn't know it, but the speakers he got with it, were the best computer speakers I ever heard, and fairly expensive. Alesia bought me another pair.

And the city had redone the water mains in our neighborhood, levying a cost of $10,000 or so against each resident. They took payments, but by this time, Alesia couldn't work any more. I fell 3 payments behind, and hanging over my head constantly was the worry that the city would put a lien on our house, or even try to claim it. That was about the time Alesia's mother passed away, and there was a small inheritance. After depositing it in our checking account, she called up the city water department to find out the bill. She sent me down to City Hall, to completely pay off the entire outstanding bill. I came home, relieved, and she was beaming "Babe doesn't have to worry any more" and she held me tight as we rocked in celebration. More of the money went to bills, more to friends, some on clothing or jewelry, till there was only a couple thousand dollars left.

Alesia LOVED designer handbags, Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Fendi, Coach, but had always had to settle for the flea-market knockoffs. Now she had money to buy a genuine one. So her reaction was to ask me if there was any guitar I'd always wanted, but couldn't afford. Yes, I'd always admired Wes Montgomery and George Benson, and wanted a hollow body jazz guitar. And I thought little of it, went down to my computer in the basement. I didn't know Alesia was on the phone, going through the Yellow pages on a Sunday. She found one, at a music shop near where we lived. She pulled up their photo of it on her computer and called me upstairs "Something like that one?" she pointed. Oh yes, exactly like that one, but the store was almost ready to close, so Alesia persuaded them to stay open until I had a chance to look at the guitar. She handed me a blank check, said "Be sure it's the one you want" and I was on my way. Because of their stairs, Alesia couldn't come with me. But the guitar was a trade-in, mint condition, with a smooth, melodic voice (not unlike Alesia's), kind of full at the waist and hips (just like Alesia), and as I moved my fingers up and down the neck, it responded smoothly (yes, like Alesia). There was just enough trim on it, kind of like jewelry on a woman, too much is a distraction from the natural beauty. A few minutes to verify the check, and the deal was done. When I went, home, I took it upstairs to show Alesia. She had seen a television program with a guitarist who had a name for each of his guitars. She asked me if I had names for any of my guitars. She had an inquisitive look to her face, tilted head, and i knew what answer she wanted. I told her "No baby, just this one" and she beamed, because without speaking, we knew what the name was.

And I could continue, probably for hours, but I hope that's enough to illustrate Alesia, and the beautiful, unique soul missing now.

For those who read and encouraged me (or at least tolerated me) "Thanks", it's been a cathartic experience to introduce some of you to Alesia.

I'll leave with something from my imagination, but sometimes those can bear more honesty than actual events. The same little girl from the Easter photo, is sitting on the concrete steps of the same house, and beside her is another little girl, sobbing, arms folded over her knees and her face buried in her arms. She's lost something, or something precious was broken, and the young Alesia is consoling her, rubbing her across the shoulders, saying "Don't cry, friend, it's okay, you can have some of mine"

 

[gentlelady]

You have given us a wonderful tribute of your wife and her beautiful soul throughout this thread. I am so glad you chose to share her with us.

 

[Sadeyes]

Seems like we all wish we would have known her...so sorry you have lost someone so wonderful...thanks for sharing her with us

 

[razor2012]

Wow. That story was amazing, I was up until 3am this morning reading through tear ridden eyes. Thank you so much for sharing that. The courage it must have taken and the pain you must be going through. You and Alesia are such good people. There aren't too many people around that helpful, thoughtful, and giving. That's really inspiring. I totally think your story could be made into a book or movie.
I'm trying to think what I would do if I experienced something similar. I think the only thing that would get me through is if I pretended she cold hear me. I'd talk to her every day. But, I truly believe she can hear you. And in your heart, you can hear her too. I'm sending blessed healing vibes your way (both you and Alesia). I wish you well 1lefty, and you Alesia too.