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Musings, ideas, what are you thinking about?
- Thread starter Gonz
- Start date
A choice I have to make, that people ask me if I'm going to make. It's something I just want to bite the bullet on and not even for myself at this point, but just so that I won't feel that everybody is focusing on it when they see me and that they truly just see me as an attention seeker. I'm careful not to rock the boat with family and those who won't be as accepting.
I feel like I can see the hidden meanings behind what people are saying. I am not one of them. I am not in their group. What is the point? I hold on to these things people say and anger myself and I feel almost like I can crack the code and the result will be the same over and over, there is a point at which people lose empathy for you and I am beginning to sense it and I understand how I sound, maybe I don't understand it but I know it, i just can't talk about this to people in real life and don't really want advice. When I'm getting like this I really start to think of suicide and lose my sense of time, it's distressing, to come to terms with how others see me. I already know how people see me. I am past the grace period.
I don't want advice, just venting because I'm seeing a couple of people soon(when I don't have work) and it will take a lot for me not to be on guard and I'll have to mask this the entire time. I know how I sound. I sound totally immature. I have to keep a tight lid on my emotions and just try to field questions the best I can.
I feel like I can see the hidden meanings behind what people are saying. I am not one of them. I am not in their group. What is the point? I hold on to these things people say and anger myself and I feel almost like I can crack the code and the result will be the same over and over, there is a point at which people lose empathy for you and I am beginning to sense it and I understand how I sound, maybe I don't understand it but I know it, i just can't talk about this to people in real life and don't really want advice. When I'm getting like this I really start to think of suicide and lose my sense of time, it's distressing, to come to terms with how others see me. I already know how people see me. I am past the grace period.
I don't want advice, just venting because I'm seeing a couple of people soon(when I don't have work) and it will take a lot for me not to be on guard and I'll have to mask this the entire time. I know how I sound. I sound totally immature. I have to keep a tight lid on my emotions and just try to field questions the best I can.
It's funny how I decided to enter a STEM field, or just college in general, yet the logical thinking I need goes out the window when it comes to my personal life and that in turn impacts my decisions in general. Getting caught by surprise the same way I was months ago, not having changed as a person at all? My mind goes straight to suicide. The guilt lasts for months and months afterward even when I'm supposed to have moved on? Straight to suicide.
My sis, that she had the baby, and that I'm officially an aunt now. Still feels quite surreal, but I have now seen a picture of her, and heard her cry. Oh ya, it's a girl 
She's the most adorable & beautiful baby I ever saw, just precious.
She's the most adorable & beautiful baby I ever saw, just precious.
I don't know how holiday pay works for overnight shifts at my job. I'm working on Friday, but I'm not sure if I'll get the holiday pay for the Friday night shift because it starts on the day of the observed holiday or if it's going to be on Thursday night because the majority of the shift takes place on the observed holiday. They sent us an email about it a while ago, but it was difficult to understand. I'm working both nights, so I guess it doesn't really matter.
