I think it's all finally making sense.
Depression doesn't just go away, no matter how much better things go for you.
It'll always be there, somewhere inside of you.
And if you've always been a miserable person, you can have everything you want in life, and that's still kinda the case.
Being happy isn't just a state you lapse in and out of.
It's an active choice.
It's something some of us have to learn how to even do.
Doesn't mean we're failing the people around us, we're just struggling to adapt.
I've been feeling like such a POS recently for still being so sad on the inside despite having things that make me genuinely happy for once.
And it's felt like i've just kept getting that feeling reinforced over and over to me lately.
That i should somehow just be okay now, and yet i'm still not.
But it's starting to get a bit easier, now Kaya and i properly talked about it.
I'm not ok.
I probably won't truly be ok inside for a long time.
Maybe i'll always be kind of a sad person inside.
All the time.
After all of this shit, maybe that's just inescapable.
But that's ok.
Some of us just have to carry that sadness.
And stop hiding it from the people who care about us.