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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Please read THIS THREAD about a rebrand for SF.
Musings, ideas, what are you thinking about?
- Thread starter Gonz
- Start date
*nothing* in our relationship is traditional other than being head over heels for you 
Babe, we're so traditional.
We make Stepford look abnormal.
The Stepford wives wish they could be as normal as...oh, you randomly made a duck noise.
Gotta do my thing in response.
Today I went out to get some fresh air because I had not done that in a while and it started making me sick. So I did it by myself and it went well, just that I felt lonely. I wish I had people to hang out. Sadly my favorite person that I would do everything with lives so far away so it's not possible for us to hang out often. I hope we can do that soon. I really want to get myself involved in some fun communities (nothing serious or bad) so I can meet new people. I have seen some on social media but most of them don't really fit me, either the schedule or what they're doing in the communities
I’m wondering why I can’t take my own advice. According to feedback, I am highly perceptive and insightful when a friend comes to me with a problem. I’ve been in therapy for long enough to know stuff like boundaries or emotional regulation like the back of my hand.
And yet, when I am in a real time situation or difficult conversation, I freeze like a deer facing headlights. I don’t know how to actually do the stuff that I know is healthier. I think all I can do is trial and error at this point. It’s not like reading yet another book would help. Lucky for me - I have no shortage of difficult situations to practice with.
And yet, when I am in a real time situation or difficult conversation, I freeze like a deer facing headlights. I don’t know how to actually do the stuff that I know is healthier. I think all I can do is trial and error at this point. It’s not like reading yet another book would help. Lucky for me - I have no shortage of difficult situations to practice with.
I miss the way things used to be. I was a bright-eyed child once. I looked forward to getting to see the world, now I wish I could go back and live like that forever. I miss being genuinely happy. Every year I feel less and less alive. Every year is something new to ruin my life, something that goes wrong and if it doesn't, nothing happens at all. Everything gets worse. That's all it's ever done, it's been going downhill for as long as I remember. A dozen years of my life progressively getting worse at every conceivable opportunity. I want the life I've lived in my dreams, any one of those lives I've seen where I lived in a world so much more vivacious than this. Not that my dreams are anywhere near as close to as resplendent as they used to be. I sleep dreamlessly now, so I can't even perceive a better life than this. It's for the best. I don't want to desire, I want to be content with my life. That's never going to happen.
I can look back a decade ago, I was vibrant then. I loved being alive. I loved all my toys and games and everything, I sincerely believed I'd grow up and accomplish all my dreams, I was a natural born actor and I believed it'd carry me far. Not that it mattered. My ambition was always to create my own game, not that I every got the opportunity for it and even if I did, all my vivacity has long since passed me by and I know there's nothing I could create now that would come close to comparing against what I once imagined. I'm not a creative person. I was a creative person back then, I'm not a creative person now. I have no talents to speak of anymore. The closest I get is my charisma, for some reason, which is unreliable at best.
I can look back half a decade ago, I at least had ambition, even if it wad different. I deluded myself into thinking my charisma meant I would be able to make it as an internet personality so I took up livestreaming. Eventually, after I saved up money to buy everything I'd need, there were two or three months of contentment before it all came crashing down. Not even then could compare to how I felt as a child. The light dims every time, I know every time I enjoy something, I'm going to enjoy it a little less than the last thing I enjoyed. That's how it was then. I felt great, it didn't last, then I stopped feeling great. I've had one or two high points since but they weren't really high points. They were oases in a desert of my life. Oases that, again, were incomparable to the contentment I felt when I was a livestreamer.
I don't know what's going to happen if there's a next time. I never know if I'm going to feel anything at all. I exist and that's it, like a movie that peaks in the first half-an-hour and slowly deteriorates thereafter. The middle is great. The final act is a slog, it's going to be a slog to get through. I'd rather rewatch the first half-an-hour ad infinitum. I'd rather live like that forever, or live in the dreams I used to have. Either works. Either would be better than this, I want nothing more than to not have to live another year of my life like this.
I can look back a decade ago, I was vibrant then. I loved being alive. I loved all my toys and games and everything, I sincerely believed I'd grow up and accomplish all my dreams, I was a natural born actor and I believed it'd carry me far. Not that it mattered. My ambition was always to create my own game, not that I every got the opportunity for it and even if I did, all my vivacity has long since passed me by and I know there's nothing I could create now that would come close to comparing against what I once imagined. I'm not a creative person. I was a creative person back then, I'm not a creative person now. I have no talents to speak of anymore. The closest I get is my charisma, for some reason, which is unreliable at best.
I can look back half a decade ago, I at least had ambition, even if it wad different. I deluded myself into thinking my charisma meant I would be able to make it as an internet personality so I took up livestreaming. Eventually, after I saved up money to buy everything I'd need, there were two or three months of contentment before it all came crashing down. Not even then could compare to how I felt as a child. The light dims every time, I know every time I enjoy something, I'm going to enjoy it a little less than the last thing I enjoyed. That's how it was then. I felt great, it didn't last, then I stopped feeling great. I've had one or two high points since but they weren't really high points. They were oases in a desert of my life. Oases that, again, were incomparable to the contentment I felt when I was a livestreamer.
I don't know what's going to happen if there's a next time. I never know if I'm going to feel anything at all. I exist and that's it, like a movie that peaks in the first half-an-hour and slowly deteriorates thereafter. The middle is great. The final act is a slog, it's going to be a slog to get through. I'd rather rewatch the first half-an-hour ad infinitum. I'd rather live like that forever, or live in the dreams I used to have. Either works. Either would be better than this, I want nothing more than to not have to live another year of my life like this.
I need to invent a new language, a new thing, so I can comunicate with people on a broader sense.
I think a lot of the reasons people are so depressed these days is because we can't really communicate with each other. Not in words, but in a way that makes us feel emotionally understood without cheating ourselves
Sometimes I think about making videos on tiktok, only with the audio, just talking about my life. But then I have the option of speaking in english vs. portuguese, and I don't know what to make of this.
How do we communicate a trauma? Let everyone metaphorically know about it so we can identify ourselves with the broader world? Invent a new concept so we can feel at home again?
I think a lot of the reasons people are so depressed these days is because we can't really communicate with each other. Not in words, but in a way that makes us feel emotionally understood without cheating ourselves
Sometimes I think about making videos on tiktok, only with the audio, just talking about my life. But then I have the option of speaking in english vs. portuguese, and I don't know what to make of this.
How do we communicate a trauma? Let everyone metaphorically know about it so we can identify ourselves with the broader world? Invent a new concept so we can feel at home again?