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Musings, ideas, what are you thinking about?
- Thread starter Gonz
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When an addict misuses the medical system to get drugs, they’re treated as scum. When a billionaire misuses the medical system to create addicts for profit, they gat a museum wing named after them.
When a sick hungry person relies on help to get a meal, they have to jump through a million hoops for it, and are roundly mocked ridiculed and villainized by most of the country.
When it has to be run through an insurance company for approval, treatment for sick people can be denied or significantly delayed. This can contribute to cancer spreading before chemo can have an effect, or a temporary disability becoming permanent because the individual does not receive timely rehab.
None of this is hypothetical to me.
This is why I fucking hate capitalism.
When a sick hungry person relies on help to get a meal, they have to jump through a million hoops for it, and are roundly mocked ridiculed and villainized by most of the country.
When it has to be run through an insurance company for approval, treatment for sick people can be denied or significantly delayed. This can contribute to cancer spreading before chemo can have an effect, or a temporary disability becoming permanent because the individual does not receive timely rehab.
None of this is hypothetical to me.
This is why I fucking hate capitalism.
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I'm thinking about what a bunch of bitches the nursing instructors were in our clinicals. They talked about fellow students behind their backs and yelled at some in clinicals. They knew they could get away with it because no one dared to say anything for fear of retaliation, and retaliate they would without question.
I always put it as I don't know if I like or dislike any system whether political, economical or religious. All systems seem to put up some high moral sounding way, but people who get to any type of power position likely have that Nietzsche will to power and find some reason they deserve more/better than others and will protect that at all costs they can get away with.
I don't know if I already told this to someone here (well I didn't tell to anyone in real life).
But when I last met my father, when he was dying in his hospital bed, he looked to me (and my older brother) and said something like "I wasted my life" with those exact words.
I didn't know how to answer that (I didn't even knew my father was dying), so I said something like "You didn't waste your life, because I'm here".
Well, now I can't really think of suicide in some way because dying would be a dishonor to what I said to my father. I would not just waste my life but waste his life too and prove that he was right — that his life amounted to nothing.
I feel like I can't really die. At least is one reason for me to not die. I can't let his life to go to waste beyond the grave. But it is horrible to be alive just for that.
But at the same time, if I win, I will save both lives my life and his life. So anything I do will be a proof that everything didn't go to waste.
But when I last met my father, when he was dying in his hospital bed, he looked to me (and my older brother) and said something like "I wasted my life" with those exact words.
I didn't know how to answer that (I didn't even knew my father was dying), so I said something like "You didn't waste your life, because I'm here".
Well, now I can't really think of suicide in some way because dying would be a dishonor to what I said to my father. I would not just waste my life but waste his life too and prove that he was right — that his life amounted to nothing.
I feel like I can't really die. At least is one reason for me to not die. I can't let his life to go to waste beyond the grave. But it is horrible to be alive just for that.
But at the same time, if I win, I will save both lives my life and his life. So anything I do will be a proof that everything didn't go to waste.
But what is to "win" at life? How do I honor that "deal" I made?
Anything can be like winning, but I don't know what he would want. Having a wife and kids — for some people that is about living, but maybe I don't want that for my life, but maybe I just don't want it because I can't do it.
But I'm such a loser. All my losses are his losses, but I have to go on...
Everything I win is making my father win at some place in heaven or something. At least to show that his life didn't go to waste.
Anything can be like winning, but I don't know what he would want. Having a wife and kids — for some people that is about living, but maybe I don't want that for my life, but maybe I just don't want it because I can't do it.
But I'm such a loser. All my losses are his losses, but I have to go on...
Everything I win is making my father win at some place in heaven or something. At least to show that his life didn't go to waste.
When I was a teenager I would always wonder if I would someday eat the "spit-roasted ox" a on a party or something.
That really exists in my country:
https://pt.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boi_no_rolete
That really exists in my country:
https://pt.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boi_no_rolete
About a week ago, I saw a house gecko. I was so happy.
Now I've learned it died. To a glue trap. I'm angry, heartbroken, vengeful, yet sad, yet all dulled by the worn-ness of my emotional capacity.
I miss when I would have raged so much harder.
I am also guilty. When I saw the gecko I should have gone around and thrown away every glue trap Mom had bought and set. Instead I just went to her and Dad and told hiem we need to be careful about how we use them. All the cursed good that did about the ones already lain.
Now I've learned it died. To a glue trap. I'm angry, heartbroken, vengeful, yet sad, yet all dulled by the worn-ness of my emotional capacity.
I miss when I would have raged so much harder.
I am also guilty. When I saw the gecko I should have gone around and thrown away every glue trap Mom had bought and set. Instead I just went to her and Dad and told hiem we need to be careful about how we use them. All the cursed good that did about the ones already lain.
I actually kinda relate.
I had a mouse invade my room recently.
And with my OCD, i absolutely hated that, cos i was terrified of whatever pathogens it brought in with it.
But it got caught in a mousetrap yesterday.
And somehow, seeing it caught in the trap, when it was so cute and innocent, just doing what it had to in order to survive, same as me, it kinda broke my heart to know i'd chosen to kill it for troubling me...
I had a mouse invade my room recently.
And with my OCD, i absolutely hated that, cos i was terrified of whatever pathogens it brought in with it.
But it got caught in a mousetrap yesterday.
And somehow, seeing it caught in the trap, when it was so cute and innocent, just doing what it had to in order to survive, same as me, it kinda broke my heart to know i'd chosen to kill it for troubling me...