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Musings, ideas, what are you thinking about?
- Thread starter Gonz
- Start date
There will always be that balance for certain. I never have had a problem with the cycle of life. I am against waste and destroying without needing to. Unless something is a threat to me or going into my stomach it is as safe as can be. I believe that is why the wildlife around here is pretty abundant with bird and small mammals like rabbit. I get the impression they sense they are like pets especially with me putting out food for them.
I dont understand why ipads are sold in two versions, one with cellular feature for a higher price and the other without… wouldn’t it make more sense and cost efficient to produce all ipads with the cellular feature by default and the user has the option whether to use it or not… i mean some even have e-sim feature, what? they’re holding out for profit so the next time they make it a “feature” for newer versions as if it’s something innovative… bullshit.
My mom was talking to me about my high school gf.
People used to say all the time how it was creepy that we were together because we looked so much alike. She’d joke about us actually being siblings, and I’d tell her to shut up because I’m adopted and that’s every adopted person’s worst nightmare.
My mom said “I never said anything at the time, but you looked too much like each other to date, did anyone ever tell you that?”
I laughed and laughed then remembered her cheating on me and made myself sad.
People used to say all the time how it was creepy that we were together because we looked so much alike. She’d joke about us actually being siblings, and I’d tell her to shut up because I’m adopted and that’s every adopted person’s worst nightmare.
My mom said “I never said anything at the time, but you looked too much like each other to date, did anyone ever tell you that?”
I laughed and laughed then remembered her cheating on me and made myself sad.
I just saw a thing online about a couple reuniting with their dog after evacuating due to a wildfire. It was happy and all, but I don’t get that. If there’s a fire, either my dogs evacuate with me or I burn to death.
edit: a friend’s dogs died in a fire, and I carried them out and buried them because she couldn’t bear to. It was awful, one of the worst things i’ve ever forced myself to do, but that situation is less hypothetical than it might seem, and that probably explains why I feel so strongly about this.
edit: a friend’s dogs died in a fire, and I carried them out and buried them because she couldn’t bear to. It was awful, one of the worst things i’ve ever forced myself to do, but that situation is less hypothetical than it might seem, and that probably explains why I feel so strongly about this.
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In the book I'm reading which is about dealing with grief and trauma, it suggests letting go of the idea grief will end at some point. Instead, it's better to accept how it'll always be part of me, and my life will contonue to develop around it. I like this only because I already knew I wouldn't get over it. I'll always have theae painful broken-hearted feelings, but maybe other things can happen in spite of them.
You know how kids - not all, but some - go þru a period of saying and briefly walking radical positions? I've noticed it. I started to do it. It's a way to experiment w/ ideas, identity, mapping one's own brain, so on.
Whether I like it or nor, I never finished; just put it on delay. My pretending to stability has been a face put on to function and fit in
I just, wiþout realizing it's what I'm doing, did þæt right here on þis forum. Hyperbolic, impulsive, an outpour not factual.
I regret it. But I don't. I need þis mistake. Because þe frustrated and confused person wiþin needs to make mistakes and þen look at hiem in order to grow. I only ever put þæt kid (or my electrochemical imitation þereof) on pause.
I'm not proud of what I said. But I'm growing now þæt I've done it.
Whether I like it or nor, I never finished; just put it on delay. My pretending to stability has been a face put on to function and fit in
I just, wiþout realizing it's what I'm doing, did þæt right here on þis forum. Hyperbolic, impulsive, an outpour not factual.
I regret it. But I don't. I need þis mistake. Because þe frustrated and confused person wiþin needs to make mistakes and þen look at hiem in order to grow. I only ever put þæt kid (or my electrochemical imitation þereof) on pause.
I'm not proud of what I said. But I'm growing now þæt I've done it.
I read this description of grief, I wish I remembered where, that felt very accurate.
Feeling grief is like being in a pen with an electric fence. At first it’s small and you feel pain all the time, every time you turn around. But, with time, the pen grows bigger and you are shocked less and less often. It never goes away though and, sometimes when exploring your expanding world, you’ll run into the fence again and it’ll hurt as much as it ever did.
I think to myself sometimes “shouldn’t I be over this by now?” This makes me more okay with/understand the fact that I’m not and maybe never will be.
Feeling grief is like being in a pen with an electric fence. At first it’s small and you feel pain all the time, every time you turn around. But, with time, the pen grows bigger and you are shocked less and less often. It never goes away though and, sometimes when exploring your expanding world, you’ll run into the fence again and it’ll hurt as much as it ever did.
I think to myself sometimes “shouldn’t I be over this by now?” This makes me more okay with/understand the fact that I’m not and maybe never will be.
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Nothing in particular has triggered this thought, i've just been reflecting on things lately.
And it might sound like i'm referring to people here, but i'm actually thinking largely about a different space i've been part of these days.
People like to tell you they understand what you go through as an abuse survivor.
They like to tell you you're safe, and understood, and supported.
But i think very few of them are ever actually ready for the reality of how a lot of abuse survivors act.
I don't think they realise that we can tend to handle what happened to us in ugly ways, and that when the trauma of it gets triggered, we can become irrational, and paranoid, and twitchy, and express that in some really strange ways that to an undamaged mind, make little to no sense.
I think they just envision some romantic notion of you tearfully clutching their shirt in the rain, looking them soulfully in the eyes, and going "I just don't know how to be ok again.
"
They aren't ready for the ugly reality of what "not knowing how to be ok again" actually looks like.
They aren't ready for the accusations, and the avoidance, and the anger of it.
The rage of knowing someone took advantage of you, and violated you mentally, in some people's cases physically as well, and destroyed your sense of self and peace, for their own selfish gain.
And the lengths you'll go to to protect yourself, even from otherwise perfectly innocent people, when you feel that trauma start to well back up inside of you.
It doesn't fit into their clean, idealised, proscriptive little version of what an abuse survivor is meant to be.
And it shows plain as day that any claim they make to be allies to abuse survivors is performative at best.
The moment the trauma becomes too real for them, you're a garbage person for not just magically being stable 24/7 after surviving something like that.
Fuck the performative allies i've had to deal with in my life, who called me a shitty person the moment i began to struggle with that trauma, instead of simply recognising me as their "friend", who was obviously going through something, and standing by me, they told me i'm a bad person and abandoned me.
Including the one i stood by when everyone else was accusing them of faking their own death, what an asshole thing to do to somebody who was willing to take a stand for you and preach forgiveness and moving on in the face of that.
That one hurt more because of the sheer betrayal, than anything in particular they said.
And it might sound like i'm referring to people here, but i'm actually thinking largely about a different space i've been part of these days.
People like to tell you they understand what you go through as an abuse survivor.
They like to tell you you're safe, and understood, and supported.
But i think very few of them are ever actually ready for the reality of how a lot of abuse survivors act.
I don't think they realise that we can tend to handle what happened to us in ugly ways, and that when the trauma of it gets triggered, we can become irrational, and paranoid, and twitchy, and express that in some really strange ways that to an undamaged mind, make little to no sense.
I think they just envision some romantic notion of you tearfully clutching their shirt in the rain, looking them soulfully in the eyes, and going "I just don't know how to be ok again.
"They aren't ready for the ugly reality of what "not knowing how to be ok again" actually looks like.
They aren't ready for the accusations, and the avoidance, and the anger of it.
The rage of knowing someone took advantage of you, and violated you mentally, in some people's cases physically as well, and destroyed your sense of self and peace, for their own selfish gain.
And the lengths you'll go to to protect yourself, even from otherwise perfectly innocent people, when you feel that trauma start to well back up inside of you.
It doesn't fit into their clean, idealised, proscriptive little version of what an abuse survivor is meant to be.
And it shows plain as day that any claim they make to be allies to abuse survivors is performative at best.
The moment the trauma becomes too real for them, you're a garbage person for not just magically being stable 24/7 after surviving something like that.
Fuck the performative allies i've had to deal with in my life, who called me a shitty person the moment i began to struggle with that trauma, instead of simply recognising me as their "friend", who was obviously going through something, and standing by me, they told me i'm a bad person and abandoned me.
Including the one i stood by when everyone else was accusing them of faking their own death, what an asshole thing to do to somebody who was willing to take a stand for you and preach forgiveness and moving on in the face of that.
That one hurt more because of the sheer betrayal, than anything in particular they said.