My boss is a bully. Suicidal feelings increase daily.

[MinnBiker]

This is not the first time I have had to deal with a bully boss. I had a VERY similar experience 15 years ago. Same MO: boss that only feels comfortable working with men under 30 who can be mentored and who won't be a threat. The bully only chooses marks (or targets) who are middle aged women (in this case always minority) who are perceived to be smarter than she is. Well, heck, we ARE smarter, too. The bullying mostly happens in conference rooms to avoid witnesses. The poor young white boys are honestly, sweetly oblivious.

Because I have been through this before I know a couple things: I won't let her pull me into an argument, I won't give in when she tries to make me cry, I document EVERYTHING. But in the end, THERE IS NO END GAME in a bully situation except unemployment. I will eventually have to leave, and then I will lose my home. I am 55 years old, so I cannot get low-wage work, and the IT jobs (my field) are now all contract. If I buy health insurance, which I REALLY NEED, then I will be foreclosed on.

So what really hurts is knowing I have to be so vigilent to be silent and not trust anyone at work. Moreover, none of my friends will support me. They keep saying sweet things that are not helpful, or they get tired of hearing updates on how horrible things are. Exactly as it was 15 years ago. I have accepted that I will have to be alone. I REALLY don't want to give up my home, however, and that makes it difficult to think about options without thinking about suicide about every 15 minutes.

I have been on almost every anti-depressant on the planet. I do not have a good working Rx combination. My PTSD is pretty bad. Maybe I should give up working and having a home and try ECT. Thoughts?

 

[Brittless]

Hey Minn,
Sorry about your work situation. I've been in a very dysfunctional employee relationship before with both of my bosses at the same place, but I won't go into the whole story. Basically, I had to contact a few different people, HR for one and then I think there was some company hotline. So if you havent yet maybe you could try those if the situation calls for it?

I ended up leaving the company for good because I was SO unhappy there. I think if you're that unhappy there it would be a good idea too, but first I would say look into a way you might be able to make the work environment better for you and all. That's just my two cents. Not sure what ECT is?

-Me.

 

[MinnBiker]

I contacted HR the third week I was there. My boss told me "You shouldn't be working because you have health issues." Since that is a basic violation of the ADA, I reported this incident to HR, and HR didn't believe me. About six weeks later I tried to report the ongoing bullying, and the director of HR said "Don't use phrases like verbal abuse because then I'll have to start an investigation." HR has been all about protecting management. This is usually the case, and I am not surprised. The only reason I contacted them at all was for documentation when they finally try to fire me. The concern is I'll either have a nervous breakdown, attempt suicide, or god knows what before they severe me. And, of course, once I lose the job .... I lose my home. I have been through too many contracts in my field, had too pay out about 10,000 in health insurance over four years.

ECT is electroshock therapy.

 

[Brittless]

Oh, I see Minn. Is there a hotline for your company or could you bring it to the attention of some other organization? Just trying to think of suggestions. I am sorry you are going through this.

no, no ect.

 

[MinnBiker]

No, I think the company is too small for a "hotline." going to HR is about all I got. They might be talking to my supervisor quietly in the background, but last week the threatened me to never say a word about my supervisor to any fellow employees or they would take action against me based on "zero tolerance for harassment." I think this is how they have found a way to get me fired.

I really, really, thought this job was my last shot at doing higher-level IT work again without having to go contract, but the bullying has made it impossible. If i lose this job I will have to beg through some disability help center to get some $9/hour job because no one will hire a 55-year old IT tech for entry level jobs. At a low-wage I can keep medicaid. But again, I lose my home. I DID apply for disability once, and I will have to apply again. But why am I unable to work. Oh, right, because my boss is a bully. That won't work.

 

[Brittless]

Hm, well I wish you luck and will let you know if I can think of something else or see if someone else can. I know other people here might have some suggestions and I think you can get disability on the basis of crippling depression if you are in the US anyway.

TC.

 

[lifetalkz]

Minn-I feel like we're siblings from different mothers. Words cannot express the hell I go through at my job. I'm 53 (just a few tears younger than you are) and I totally relate to the fear that there may not be another job out there to go to. HR in my company is a joke-no one takes it seriously. It doesn't help or protect anyone-it's terrible that that's what we've been reduced to but its the ugly truth. I've gone through several big bullies over the years and half a dozen smaller ones-people are monsters . . . self-absorbed, miserable pigs. Your story is heart breaking but I pray that you do not give up hope. I understand your struggle with disability too-I have Scoliosis and R-arthritis working its way through my body. Most weeks I can barely walk by the end-and still I go on. I have no choice-I'm the primary bread winner in my household. Someday the bottom will fall out and I will lose it-I know. My approach to the big bullies finally came down to one thing-my ability to block out and ignore the disrespectful, offensive things they say. I've actually gotten really good at it over the years. I pray that things get better for you very soon-I feel your pain and I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

[mpk]

Minn, I am sorry you are having a rough time with toxic bosses. That is one of the reasons I gave up on 25 + years of working in government work, it was life draining and the management could care less for you as a person. Of course by doing this I created more stress and depression for myself which is odd, I was depressed from going to the job and now I am depressed because I can't go to the job.
As you know I am also 55 and my job prospects are minimal to say the least. I make to much from a small pension to get Medicaid so my insurance is provided by VA for hardship but that is only temporary, I can't afford to get sick but feel sick all the time.
I have found dealing with Human resources that they take the side of management most of the time. It is sad but I guess that is the way it is supposed to be.
I hope that you can find a way to deal with it and try and not let it get you down to much, things can only get better.

 

[MinnBiker]

That you MPK, actually I expect things will get much worse. Friday's meeting with a director, a VP, and the head of HR they have put me on notice that they are going to do everything they can to find a way to fire me. they would have put me on an official PIP (Performance Improvement Plan that means get better in 30 days or we fire you) but they can't because my boss violated ADA the third week I was there. I expect since the new Director suddenly turned on me that ALL of management is now looking for any little minute thing to make a list to fire me. It is going to be hell. The director said I have to "prove the skills I claim I have" so that I can sometimes, yes SOMETIMES do the job I was hired to do along side with the 25 year old who was hired with no skills. How do I prove skills I "claim" to have??? How do I do that when my boss holds me back and refuses to give me anything but entry level assignments? With this statement the director was making it clear I have no future at this company, but what do I do? I could try to apply for disability another three times while I wait for my foreclosure to come through (they let you live in your house while the bank settles things). In order to not be depressed I have to tell myself that it is fate that I be a second class person to the 25-year olds, or that it is ok for my career to end in ruins because of ONE BULLY.

 

[Huw]

I had a guy bully me in an office in Aberdeen. I took him outside...end of bullying.

 

[lifetalkz]

Once again I want to let you know that U R in my prayers as you go forward. I did allow myself to get run out of a job by a big bully 20 years ago. He finally made me so miserable that I quit-I couldn't find another job for almost six months. It was a devastating time in my life but eventually things did get better. I compete with 20-25 years olds every day at my job-they have me in physical stamina but not in work ethic. Millennials are a nightmare for employers-they're lazy, refuse to work, believe they're entitled to every perk for doing next to nothing. You have them beat-on any given day, hands down. You should see it through to the end-you never know, something miraculous could happen. I never give up hope that things will somehow get better and usually they do. Hang in there and know that so many are keeping you in their thoughts.

 

[mpk]

Minn, ah the PIP I am familiar with those. Your situation reminds me of the time I was a Deputy Sheriff and had been for 8 years yet because I did not support someone politically I started to get told I was doing everything wrong even though I was doing it the way I was taught. I documented everything and then when it came time I quit because of the stress, I applied for UCB which was denied yet I appealed and provided all my documentation. The County I worked for at the time did not show for hearing so I was awarded full benefit, hostile work environment. Granted I would have rather continued with my career. This was the beginning of my downward spiral with depression.
You have your skills to fall back on, show them as best you can what you can do. I think a big majority of the problem is today they don't want to hire an older worker because we tend to try and let them know that things can be done in a better way, it threatens them. I think they want young people who have no experience so they can basically "brain wash" them.
I would apply for disability again, if you have been denied get an atty that works for those applying for SSA. My wife had too do this and it took 3 years but they finally rewarded her benefits.
Good luck and know that you are not alone.

 

[MinnBiker]

I had a guy bully me in an office in Aberdeen. I took him outside...end of bullying.

I don't think I could beat up my boss. I think it would be unlady-like. (hahahah)

 

[MinnBiker]

• So, now that I know my managers are looking to fire me if I trip up, and my suicidal feelings are out of control, I am considering pursuing ECT for the depression. But don't know if it is a good idea to try to seek treatment like this and then go back to the toxic workplace .... especially if I will have memory loss. I am entitled to short-term disability leave, but something tells me they will keep trying to mess with me if I try to use it. I'm not sure what to do. Maybe try to arrange a severance and THEN seek treatment? I dunno. When I'm this depressed all I can imagine is the negative side effects of a treatment like ECT. But 30 years of Rx not really working well ... is getting old. And I know I could handle this work situation better if my depression was not so miserable to begin with.

 

[mpk]

Minnbiker, it stinks that you have to put up with this. It is tough enough trying to find a job and keep it but even tougher when you are ill. I suffer also with the thoughts of negative things happening. I try to tell myself that I am worrying about stuff that may or may not happen yet that does not always help. I now mindlessly troll youtube looking at stupid stuff to try and change the thought process.
Weigh each option, short term disability or try and arrange a severance. Bounce both options off a trusted friend and see what their opinion is. Know that you are not alone in the job misery or lack of job misery.
Keep documentation because if they violate ADA that could be to your advantage.