My boyfriend is depressed and wants to die

[piippu]

Hello, i'm in a situation where me and bf are both depressed and suicidal, we feel sometimes okay but mostly bad. when he is feeling bad he drinks and smokes a lot. we live in different countries, he is in poland.

when he gets bad i try to be as supportive and understanding as i can, he started university last year and its rough for him. i've been trying to get him to go to a therapist but he says that he has no time and he doesn't want to do it alone, he doesn't feel comfortable talking to strangers about his problems. its difficult. today he has been saying that he is tired of everything and everyone, he feels drained and he doesn't care about anyone or anything except for me. he has been drinking a bit so he gets more aggressive, he said that he gives his life 3 months to show him that it can be enjoyable. i don't know how serious he is with that or if he is going to remember it later on but i am scared. i've been trying to stop him from drinking but he is pretty gullible and gets given into temptations very easily and once he starts doing it he goes "i do what i want and u can do what u want we are adults", even if before that we had agreed that for example he doesn't drink so i'm not going to cut myself. but he is really stubborn and nothing can change his mind. i am also afraid to leave him alone when he is in this state. i am really disappointed that he had drank alcohol today and smoked almost all of his cigarettes (almost a pack probably). i feel like i don't matter. i have not cut myself in 4 months now i think. but he is not keeping his promise.

he is studying music and he constantly keeps comparing himself to depressed and/or alcoholic classical composers, and musicians who have died young especially after he has been drinking. kind of like "this is how musicians do and this is what is happening to me too, this is how it's supposed to be and go". for some reason it really gets to me, annoys me when he compares himself to dead musicians. i'm not sure why.

i am trying hard to stay okay but this is getting too much for me i am feeling so hopeless i can't do anything to help him. i feel like i'm going to lose him. he even said that part of him hopes that i would kill myself so he wouldn't have to feel bad about killing himself.

i'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense or if i'm leaving important information out its hard to think, i just don't know what to do.

 

[PaladinofKnights]

Yo I hear ya and I'm sorry to hear what's goin down. I'd recommend trying to see a professional as for your bf I'm not sure. PLEASE don't cut yourself anymore anytime you feel like doin something like that please jus hop on the forums if I'm here or if I'm not ur free to hit me up. Don't worry this is something we can fix.

 

[PaladinofKnights]

If you can try to get your bf to understand that his passion should not be a reason for him to give up it should be the opposite. Like I said I'll try to help you with this best I can.

 

[yozhik]

Yeah. Look he's *not* acting like an adult here. The only musicians who make music are alive; suicide is really not the way to go about that. And romanticizing depression and alcoholism is just wrong. It doesn't make you a creative genius. And he won't go to therapy because he's uncomfortable? No one is comfortable in their first therapy session. I barely spoke. I still barely speak lol. But we don't want to live like we're living anymore.

But srsly saying he wishes you'd commit suicide so he wouldn't have to feel guilty? Like he had to think it, and then think it was okay to say it, knowing that you have your own issues. He doesn't sound like he's taking getting better seriously.

You need to tell him that you don't want to live like this, (I get the feeling you don't). You deserve a better life. If he's not going to try and work through his issues, you can't take responsibility for that. I'm not saying he can't be depressed or suicidal but the guy has to be trying. Life's not going to become enjoyable if he just sits there. And I honestly I think giving him a reality check is better for him too. Relationships are for the living.

 

[Walker]

Hi there. I can feel how upset you are by this post. You feel like you should be able to help your bf, even though he's in another country. You feel responsible for him in some way but that's just not the case. How long have you been together? Is there a reason you're not in the same locale?
This shit about him saying he wishes you'd kill yourself so he doesn't have to feel guilty? wow. That's just over the top. I think you would be doing better on your own, honestly. Not that I see you being in a place to leave him right now. I sense you'd feel like he would hurt himself if you did (which isn't actually terrible likely - he would do it with you or without). You are working on doing better for yourself and this relationship is dragging you down, not bringing you up. I'm so sorry you're in this difficult place.

 

[Petal]

Hello and welcome to the forums, it really sounds like you are at your wits end and that there's no end in sight. You say your boyfriend is afraid to seek help alone, would couples counselling something he would agree to? I really hope you can get a handle on things and ask him ''why not spend 3 months trying to get better'' because sitting in his own misery is not going to sort anything out. He needs help. He needs motivation, he needs comfort but so do you. Alcohol as you know is a depressant and some people foolishly self medicate with it. We're here for you and please get help and do not cut yourself. It's not the way forward, you would be taking steps back if you harmed yourself although I can see why you are so frustrated obviously. Best of luck to both you and him

 

[piippu]

Hey, thank you for your replies. We have not been together even for a year, i knew that he is depressed and like this when i met him. But things have gone more downhill since the university started last fall. I'm getting therapy and i have medication, i have talked about getting shock therapy with my doc.

I am not going to leave him, when we are physically together things are pretty good. I just came back to finland monday and things went bad for both of us. He has lots of stress and things are difficult for him, he has diabetes and his childhood wasn't the best. His parents have high expectations of him and he has pretty high goals himself and i know he can achieve what he wants but he brings himself down so much. He is very talented at what he does. He has been saying that he is tired of everything and tired of pretending that everything is ok. I keep saying that he needs outside help, i'm in another country but i would love to be able to make him feel better. I am really unsure what i should do in this situation and what i should say to him. Im pretty sure if i told him that i can't live like this and stuff he would say that "i told u im not a good person, this is who i am" etc. He is so goddamn stubborn especially when he feels like crap.

Despite all this he makes me feel loved and wanted, he is my sunshine and he makes me want to keep on going. Right now he is the only thing keeping me alive. For him i want to get better, i know i should do it for myself but this is a work in progress.

I again apologise if this comes out as messy, i'm letting out my thoughts.

 

[Walker]

I again apologise if this comes out as messy, i'm letting out my thoughts.

We're pretty awesome at reading messy messages.

 

[Eleri]

Hi, I am sorry to learn about what you are going through and thanks for finding the courage to share. Although your situation might appear complex, there is always hope for the living. I strongly believe in the principle of being able to give ONLY what you have and I love the way you care for your boyfriend. Please continue to remind him of your care and for both of you to focus on the positive things in life. I would encourage you to return to this forum as it helps to be around people who truly care. Please permit me to keep you in prayer, as the only one I know who ALL power has been given to is the Lord Jesus.
Take care