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My ex gf, who suffers from depression broke up with me.

#1
Hi Everyone, sorry this is a read.

So the past month has been a series of ups and downs, with my girlfriend fully cutting ties (in a confusing way), 5 days ago. Here's a recap of our relationship and how things went down:

-We began dating 8 months ago. During such time we've spent a lot of time together, sometimes seeing each other for at least a little bit every day for months. We never grew tired of seeing each other, and always were coming up with things to do or things to talk about naturally. As she put it, "Everything just felt real". We shared an incredible bond, chemistry, and similar views on a range of topics. We traveled multiple times, both by road trip and flying to somewhere. We both would tell each other we were our sole mates and that we wanted to someday get married many years down the road.
- Very quickly in the relationship, I learned she had a very difficult past. She was sexually molested and abused as a child by her mother. She stuffers from PTSD to this day because of it.
-Because of her past drama, it has lead her to the wrong people growing up, looking for affection. She would sleep with up to 3 different people a week in her late teens, and would see people who would use her for rough sex into her early 20's
- She also did a few highly immoral things...things that when she told me, I almost ended it for. But I didn't out of respecting it happened in the past and treating her as the person I knew in the relationship I had with her.
- In our time together we went though a few things as well...two months ago, her friend committed suicide, which triggered her depression to return. This also lead to a ER visit, where I literally carried her in. During this time after her friends passing, the relationship took an unbalanced turn towards me giving more than she was, but I was patient with her and understood what she was going though...I was just happy to be there and helping her in any way I could.

A month ago today, our relationship was at our peak. We had just came back from a trip, and we were on cloud nine or being there, supporting and cheering for us. The next day however, as I let her borrow my laptop, she found something immoral I had done in my past before dating her, on my desk top. I did it in a very dark time of my life a year ago, when I was lonely, anxious, and was grieving the loss of a previous relationship. I had been heavily intoxicated and stoned while I did it, so much to the point I didn't even remember the event much later down the road.

She confronted me about this after I worked a 16 hour day. I meet her at a restaurant just past midnight, where she asked me for the truth and what it was about. I told her mostly the truth, but she caught me in a lie, which obviously didn't help. When asked later why I lied, I was scared, tired, and caught off guard about being confronted in public so openly.
After a few days of a break, she ended it with me, saying "I'm so deeply in love with you, but I can't be with you." But we proceeded to hang out all night, driving around, sharing a beer at a favorite bar, and her holding my hand. In the days following that, she continued to text me, we would meet a couple times, and it would lead to sex.

After taking a trip out of town for a few days to clear my head and do some self reflection, I asked to talk to her. I admitted to my mistakes while in the relationship, talk about things I could do to fix our current issues, but that what happened in the past before her I was greatly ashamed of and regretted, happened in the past and was not the person I was with her in this relationship. I left that night from her place, still broken up and her not giving me a single chance to try to make things right.

The next day I returned her things to her, and told her I would respect her decision. Upon this we ended up talking for 5 hours, where she decided to give our relationship a chance and work though the bump with had about my past. This lead to two weeks of us dating, seeing each other nearly every day, and working things out. There was still something between us, but we were honestly working things out, and I myself was making an effort to improve the things I promised to improve.

This all ended last week when I came over to her place after another long day at work. She had already been drinking, and I could tell she was tipsy/upset. I didn't want her to keep drinking alone, so I accepted her invite for a glass, also drinking hers a little to keep off how much she was drinking, as I was concerned of her state. I hadn't eaten a lot that day and got drunk pretty quickly.

After an hour or so of visiting, she told me she wanted to head to bed and I felt the impression she wanted me to leave. I wasn't in a state to, so I suggested staying for a bit before I could...but it still hurt she wasn't even looking out for my well being, nor the fact I had came to see her, drank and then felt just used for a short period of time. I began to put on my shoes and this began a fight.
I said some hurtful things during the fight. A "fuck you" and "You're so selfish. All you care about is yourself and your tiny little world." She ended it during the fight, saying she couldn't do this anymore and that she didn't care anymore.

After we cooled down, I asked her what caused her to drink tonight alone, and she told me her Mom, who hadn't contacted her in almost a decade, reached out a couple days before. I sat with her, listened to her, and talked though some options with her on how to go forward...I love her and I wanted to be there for her in the moment no matter what was going on between us.

We spent the entire day together, talking about our relationship and what we were going to miss. Apologizing for the drunken things I said and being forgiven...yet she didn't want to get back together. She asked if I'd be mad if she reached out to get back together at some point, and even suggested talking around Thanksgiving.
Yet she kept me around her apartment all day, crying, kissing me, and eventually lead to sex a couple of times.
In the last 10 min of our night (it was night by now), she kept grabbing my face with both hands, kissing me passionately, and telling me, "I love you so much...SO SO much." As I finally left, she texted me "I miss you already." "I love you so much" --- We've not spoken since.

I know our relationship was in a rocky place before the fight, and that didn't do anything to help it. But I'm just trying to understand fully what happened. I'm beginning to feel her depression, which lead to stress and anxiety in both of us, --mixed with her trying to overcome her friend's suicide, and her abusive mother trying to reconnect--- Lead her to the inability to handle the additional stress our relationship had developed into. That she ended it because she can only work on so many things, and has decided she can't work on herself and us at the same time.

So I guess, my question is...was it her depression that lead us to breaking up, the fight, or a mixture of both? And can I win her back someday?
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#2
Hi @Cowboyhawk and welcome. It sounds like there is a lot that you both need to deal with re the past and it sounds like both of you are very similar. I don't know if either of you have tried therapy but if you can both work through those issues you should both be able to understand and help each other. All these issues are bubbling up and coming between you, it's not (it seems to me) one thing, it's not something either of you do, it's just having had so much hurt in the past. You say she did immoral stuff then she found your immoral stuff so you both have an understanding that that has happened and you've got through it. It sounds very difficult but from what you say if she can get help I don't see why you can't get back together. Maybe text her, ask her is she's ok, let her know you're there for her if she needs you.. She has a lot to cope with, it's going to take a while. Maybe take time to see if you want this relationship in the long term because it's going to be tough. It's all a bit intense at the moment so give it time.
 
#3
Hi @BlueGreen , thank you for your reply and your honesty. I really appreciate it.

There are certainly things both of us can work on...and in the past month of the relationship, when we were trying to work things out to get back together, I was trying to make steps of progress, from my end. I was pretty insecure during the relationship...in part because of things she did or said, in part because I've been in a few other relationships where my partner had forms of mental health as well.

She even acknowledged that I was improving, yet during that time, she didn't do anything to help our relationship be better than to just focus on herself (which maybe is all she can actually do/ needs to do right now). She's been seeing a therapist since she was 13, and the one she has now since near the beginning of our relationship. I've not seen someone yet, as I'm in the process of grabbing a new Insurance plan, but I've been doing lots of journaling and self reflection with a friend till I can.

You suggested maybe texting her...We've not spoke since I left her apartment with a few kisses by the door just over a week ago.
People keep telling me that she ended it and if she wanted you, she'd text you, but till then give her the no contact rule.
I don't want her to feel like I've completely abandoned her, especially since I'm the only person she can talk to fully about her problems in our city besides her therapist....but I also want to respect her decision that she ended it and give her space.

I'm so lost on what to do.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#4
A week is a very short time but from her behaviour and all the things she said, it sounds like she does need you. Possibly testing you by not contacting you to see if you care enough? That's why I think a text to say you are there if she needs you but then leave it at that. Then she knows you are thinking of her and you are giving her space. You have to leave it up to her though, I think. She just may have too much going on. Maybe it will give you a breather too. That level of intensity may just burn you both out. I would prepare for the worst, that she is too troubled for any relationship right now and possibly for a long time. You sound so understanding and she's very lucky to have you so I hope whatever happens it's good for both of you.
 
#5
Thank you @BlueGreen for being so understanding. I've talked to this on other forums, such as Reddit and it's been things like "She doesn't want to be with you, move on" or "stop making excuses"

Today was difficult as I looked at her instagram story. She posted one that showed her getting ready to go to yoga (which she must have just started doing), and the pictures of us were still on her wall near her bed.

Her second, was of a "Fall Bucket List" and a lot of the things on there were things we had wanted to do together, or had done together in the past....it was pretty painful to see that.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#6
No problem @Cowboyhawk. I would just be careful in case she turns out to be someone that keeps you as a back-up when things get tough, someone to be there and then discard. I know that sounds really harsh, but I don't know her. It's just...well, women are complicated and it sounds like you could get very hurt. Her issues are very complicated and she could be very erratic. Personally, I would want to be with the guy I told I loved so that makes me a bit concerned. If you can, try not to let your mind go over and over stuff, try to find distractions. Best case scenario is she does need time but be prepared in case it doesn't work out. Just remember I don't know any more than those on other forums, only you two know. But look after yourself!
 
#7
@BlueGreen yes, that is my best friends fear as well...and he's privy to all the details. He doesn't think it would be healthy for me to try and be there for her currently, as it'd only weigh me down and I would potentially get used and so hurt I would have a hard time coming back from it.

I wish I could be there for her and help her cope with all the things she's dealing with in her life...and I'm scared she's going to go back to her old ways of looking for affection in people who treat her like shit...but it's her decision and her fate...I need to keep trying to come to terms with that, I guess. Just hard to when you just want to be there for them and you put so much of yourself into trying to make sure they were ok.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#8
You sound like a very kind person @Cowboyhawk. All the more reason to protect yourself even though your instincts are screaming at you to show how much you care. If your best friend says that, then really, I would trust him. It's a tough lesson to learn but sometimes we just can't keep people by showing them we care. I say that because your words remind me of friends I really cared for and made a big effort for and they still cut me off. You can't change people no matter how much you care and want them to know it. Yes, it is hard to come to terms with, very hard.
 
#9
Thank you @BlueGreen . Yes, I really wish I could be there to support her...but also wish I could still share the great memories and times we had together.
But I also need to remember that she did end the relationship...and while it's only been a week and she could change her mind again, I'll only hurt myself more by clinging on to that hope that she will reach out to me at some point. There was something in her...idk what, either the depression, commitment issues, my past mistakes, we were becoming too serious for her--or a combination of all that....that made her decide she didn't want to be with me anymore.

Just a very sad thing and I'll just have to cope with this like any other breakup now, even though I know in my heart it isn't.
 
#10
Hi @BlueGreen

I know it's been a couple weeks but...man things are always happening, haha.

I didn't hear from her for about 10 days after we ended it..but she called me out of the blue one afternoon. I wasn't able to answer it, as I was working, but later though a few texts she told me that she was feeling really down at the time and that a friend's family came to pick her up.

During that time at her friends we ended up talking on the phone and Facetiming. It started because I had reached out to 3 of her close friends to ask them to reach out to her and let her know that they are there for her, as she was having a hard time. She didn't like that, but it still lead to us talking and Facetiming for over 5 and a half hours one night...where we both talked about working on ourselves and how we missed each other and loved each other. It was a long talk and she never really seemed to want to end it.

Didn't really hear from her again for another week when she wished me happy halloween and that she was thinking of me. I replied politely and didn't let the conversation go for too long. The next day she texted me again, to talk about her friend's suicide. We exchanged a few text, and both said we were thinking about each other and sending love.
Today, she sent me another text with a building I wanted to see when we both visited NYC a couple months ago but didn't have time...She's back taking another trip there, and I guess wanted to show me she visited it. I replied after a few hours "Wow, looks really cool. Glad you're having a good trip".

It's becoming so difficult to know what she wants and how to handle these conversations. I feel like she misses me to a degree, but I also have to keep telling myself that she ended it, and if she really wanted me back, she'd reach out to me about it. It's just so difficult to be in this limbo.
Anyway, sorry for another ramble...just thought I'd fill you in on what's been going on, ha.
 

Walker

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#11
I think you are exactly right with where she is with this relationship. She is kind of lonely and wondering how you are, sort of semi reaching out to you but not really as interested in getting back together as she could be if she were serious about it. Sounds like you know exactly what is going on here. You both miss each other. How do you feel now that you're apart?
 
#12
Hi @Walker thanks for your input.

It's true...she keeps reaching out to me...and this is the 3rd out of 4 days she has...so I know she's missing me and thinking about the memories we shared together in NY just 5 weeks ago.

It's been really hard to move on from her...and I miss her deeply. Yet, every time I'm starting to feel more like myself again, she reaches out and it causes me to lapse back into missing her. It's so difficult to hear that she's sending me love or thinking about me, but isn't making clear moves to try and address the situation.
 

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