Hi Everyone, sorry this is a read.
So the past month has been a series of ups and downs, with my girlfriend fully cutting ties (in a confusing way), 5 days ago. Here's a recap of our relationship and how things went down:
-We began dating 8 months ago. During such time we've spent a lot of time together, sometimes seeing each other for at least a little bit every day for months. We never grew tired of seeing each other, and always were coming up with things to do or things to talk about naturally. As she put it, "Everything just felt real". We shared an incredible bond, chemistry, and similar views on a range of topics. We traveled multiple times, both by road trip and flying to somewhere. We both would tell each other we were our sole mates and that we wanted to someday get married many years down the road.
- Very quickly in the relationship, I learned she had a very difficult past. She was sexually molested and abused as a child by her mother. She stuffers from PTSD to this day because of it.
-Because of her past drama, it has lead her to the wrong people growing up, looking for affection. She would sleep with up to 3 different people a week in her late teens, and would see people who would use her for rough sex into her early 20's
- She also did a few highly immoral things...things that when she told me, I almost ended it for. But I didn't out of respecting it happened in the past and treating her as the person I knew in the relationship I had with her.
- In our time together we went though a few things as well...two months ago, her friend committed suicide, which triggered her depression to return. This also lead to a ER visit, where I literally carried her in. During this time after her friends passing, the relationship took an unbalanced turn towards me giving more than she was, but I was patient with her and understood what she was going though...I was just happy to be there and helping her in any way I could.
A month ago today, our relationship was at our peak. We had just came back from a trip, and we were on cloud nine or being there, supporting and cheering for us. The next day however, as I let her borrow my laptop, she found something immoral I had done in my past before dating her, on my desk top. I did it in a very dark time of my life a year ago, when I was lonely, anxious, and was grieving the loss of a previous relationship. I had been heavily intoxicated and stoned while I did it, so much to the point I didn't even remember the event much later down the road.
She confronted me about this after I worked a 16 hour day. I meet her at a restaurant just past midnight, where she asked me for the truth and what it was about. I told her mostly the truth, but she caught me in a lie, which obviously didn't help. When asked later why I lied, I was scared, tired, and caught off guard about being confronted in public so openly.
After a few days of a break, she ended it with me, saying "I'm so deeply in love with you, but I can't be with you." But we proceeded to hang out all night, driving around, sharing a beer at a favorite bar, and her holding my hand. In the days following that, she continued to text me, we would meet a couple times, and it would lead to sex.
After taking a trip out of town for a few days to clear my head and do some self reflection, I asked to talk to her. I admitted to my mistakes while in the relationship, talk about things I could do to fix our current issues, but that what happened in the past before her I was greatly ashamed of and regretted, happened in the past and was not the person I was with her in this relationship. I left that night from her place, still broken up and her not giving me a single chance to try to make things right.
The next day I returned her things to her, and told her I would respect her decision. Upon this we ended up talking for 5 hours, where she decided to give our relationship a chance and work though the bump with had about my past. This lead to two weeks of us dating, seeing each other nearly every day, and working things out. There was still something between us, but we were honestly working things out, and I myself was making an effort to improve the things I promised to improve.
This all ended last week when I came over to her place after another long day at work. She had already been drinking, and I could tell she was tipsy/upset. I didn't want her to keep drinking alone, so I accepted her invite for a glass, also drinking hers a little to keep off how much she was drinking, as I was concerned of her state. I hadn't eaten a lot that day and got drunk pretty quickly.
After an hour or so of visiting, she told me she wanted to head to bed and I felt the impression she wanted me to leave. I wasn't in a state to, so I suggested staying for a bit before I could...but it still hurt she wasn't even looking out for my well being, nor the fact I had came to see her, drank and then felt just used for a short period of time. I began to put on my shoes and this began a fight.
I said some hurtful things during the fight. A "fuck you" and "You're so selfish. All you care about is yourself and your tiny little world." She ended it during the fight, saying she couldn't do this anymore and that she didn't care anymore.
After we cooled down, I asked her what caused her to drink tonight alone, and she told me her Mom, who hadn't contacted her in almost a decade, reached out a couple days before. I sat with her, listened to her, and talked though some options with her on how to go forward...I love her and I wanted to be there for her in the moment no matter what was going on between us.
We spent the entire day together, talking about our relationship and what we were going to miss. Apologizing for the drunken things I said and being forgiven...yet she didn't want to get back together. She asked if I'd be mad if she reached out to get back together at some point, and even suggested talking around Thanksgiving.
Yet she kept me around her apartment all day, crying, kissing me, and eventually lead to sex a couple of times.
In the last 10 min of our night (it was night by now), she kept grabbing my face with both hands, kissing me passionately, and telling me, "I love you so much...SO SO much." As I finally left, she texted me "I miss you already." "I love you so much" --- We've not spoken since.
I know our relationship was in a rocky place before the fight, and that didn't do anything to help it. But I'm just trying to understand fully what happened. I'm beginning to feel her depression, which lead to stress and anxiety in both of us, --mixed with her trying to overcome her friend's suicide, and her abusive mother trying to reconnect--- Lead her to the inability to handle the additional stress our relationship had developed into. That she ended it because she can only work on so many things, and has decided she can't work on herself and us at the same time.
So I guess, my question is...was it her depression that lead us to breaking up, the fight, or a mixture of both? And can I win her back someday?
So the past month has been a series of ups and downs, with my girlfriend fully cutting ties (in a confusing way), 5 days ago. Here's a recap of our relationship and how things went down:
-We began dating 8 months ago. During such time we've spent a lot of time together, sometimes seeing each other for at least a little bit every day for months. We never grew tired of seeing each other, and always were coming up with things to do or things to talk about naturally. As she put it, "Everything just felt real". We shared an incredible bond, chemistry, and similar views on a range of topics. We traveled multiple times, both by road trip and flying to somewhere. We both would tell each other we were our sole mates and that we wanted to someday get married many years down the road.
- Very quickly in the relationship, I learned she had a very difficult past. She was sexually molested and abused as a child by her mother. She stuffers from PTSD to this day because of it.
-Because of her past drama, it has lead her to the wrong people growing up, looking for affection. She would sleep with up to 3 different people a week in her late teens, and would see people who would use her for rough sex into her early 20's
- She also did a few highly immoral things...things that when she told me, I almost ended it for. But I didn't out of respecting it happened in the past and treating her as the person I knew in the relationship I had with her.
- In our time together we went though a few things as well...two months ago, her friend committed suicide, which triggered her depression to return. This also lead to a ER visit, where I literally carried her in. During this time after her friends passing, the relationship took an unbalanced turn towards me giving more than she was, but I was patient with her and understood what she was going though...I was just happy to be there and helping her in any way I could.
A month ago today, our relationship was at our peak. We had just came back from a trip, and we were on cloud nine or being there, supporting and cheering for us. The next day however, as I let her borrow my laptop, she found something immoral I had done in my past before dating her, on my desk top. I did it in a very dark time of my life a year ago, when I was lonely, anxious, and was grieving the loss of a previous relationship. I had been heavily intoxicated and stoned while I did it, so much to the point I didn't even remember the event much later down the road.
She confronted me about this after I worked a 16 hour day. I meet her at a restaurant just past midnight, where she asked me for the truth and what it was about. I told her mostly the truth, but she caught me in a lie, which obviously didn't help. When asked later why I lied, I was scared, tired, and caught off guard about being confronted in public so openly.
After a few days of a break, she ended it with me, saying "I'm so deeply in love with you, but I can't be with you." But we proceeded to hang out all night, driving around, sharing a beer at a favorite bar, and her holding my hand. In the days following that, she continued to text me, we would meet a couple times, and it would lead to sex.
After taking a trip out of town for a few days to clear my head and do some self reflection, I asked to talk to her. I admitted to my mistakes while in the relationship, talk about things I could do to fix our current issues, but that what happened in the past before her I was greatly ashamed of and regretted, happened in the past and was not the person I was with her in this relationship. I left that night from her place, still broken up and her not giving me a single chance to try to make things right.
The next day I returned her things to her, and told her I would respect her decision. Upon this we ended up talking for 5 hours, where she decided to give our relationship a chance and work though the bump with had about my past. This lead to two weeks of us dating, seeing each other nearly every day, and working things out. There was still something between us, but we were honestly working things out, and I myself was making an effort to improve the things I promised to improve.
This all ended last week when I came over to her place after another long day at work. She had already been drinking, and I could tell she was tipsy/upset. I didn't want her to keep drinking alone, so I accepted her invite for a glass, also drinking hers a little to keep off how much she was drinking, as I was concerned of her state. I hadn't eaten a lot that day and got drunk pretty quickly.
After an hour or so of visiting, she told me she wanted to head to bed and I felt the impression she wanted me to leave. I wasn't in a state to, so I suggested staying for a bit before I could...but it still hurt she wasn't even looking out for my well being, nor the fact I had came to see her, drank and then felt just used for a short period of time. I began to put on my shoes and this began a fight.
I said some hurtful things during the fight. A "fuck you" and "You're so selfish. All you care about is yourself and your tiny little world." She ended it during the fight, saying she couldn't do this anymore and that she didn't care anymore.
After we cooled down, I asked her what caused her to drink tonight alone, and she told me her Mom, who hadn't contacted her in almost a decade, reached out a couple days before. I sat with her, listened to her, and talked though some options with her on how to go forward...I love her and I wanted to be there for her in the moment no matter what was going on between us.
We spent the entire day together, talking about our relationship and what we were going to miss. Apologizing for the drunken things I said and being forgiven...yet she didn't want to get back together. She asked if I'd be mad if she reached out to get back together at some point, and even suggested talking around Thanksgiving.
Yet she kept me around her apartment all day, crying, kissing me, and eventually lead to sex a couple of times.
In the last 10 min of our night (it was night by now), she kept grabbing my face with both hands, kissing me passionately, and telling me, "I love you so much...SO SO much." As I finally left, she texted me "I miss you already." "I love you so much" --- We've not spoken since.
I know our relationship was in a rocky place before the fight, and that didn't do anything to help it. But I'm just trying to understand fully what happened. I'm beginning to feel her depression, which lead to stress and anxiety in both of us, --mixed with her trying to overcome her friend's suicide, and her abusive mother trying to reconnect--- Lead her to the inability to handle the additional stress our relationship had developed into. That she ended it because she can only work on so many things, and has decided she can't work on herself and us at the same time.
So I guess, my question is...was it her depression that lead us to breaking up, the fight, or a mixture of both? And can I win her back someday?
