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My friend just killed himself

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Lestat

Well-Known Member
#1
I am in a crisis house and I made a friend. I was helping him get through losing his his job, possibly his relationship and many other issues. When I first met him he was suicidal and wasn't allowed out. Had his car taken away from him and all credit cards because of how suicidal he was. Through staff and myself talking to him he got better... But still in crisis liked many of us.

I would go out with him and have deep chats about life and dealing with wife anxiety and depression... Among other things.

You see, I have attempted suicide. I don't want it anymore.. But I have problems dealing with the life... So I could relate to him but help. Every day I would try to go out with him and I would always make it known I was there for him.

The last I talked to him we went out really late for a coffee. He was really stressed and in flight mode. I would talk to him because he didn't trust staff so he was very much alienating himself. We talked for maybe 3 hours. Before we went back into the house we talked and he seemed quite paranoid. It was like his head has changed... But I talked to him and told him him we'd be ok and there is light at the end of the tunnel. We even smiled. I gave him a hug, which he wasn't use to, and walked in. Then we sat at a table and talked more but he was just not able to concentrate and eventually went to bed. I asked him to take my number but he wouldn't... Then he said thank you and went. That was the last time I saw or talked to him.

He was a 51 year old man living with guilt and shame. Not able to deal with the shame of losing everything he built for himself and his family... But now his family have to live with his shame and guilt without him. Now his 2 sons have to live without their dad and deal with the mess he left behind. His wife has to deal with what he did in the past and now raise 2 boys without a dad and the mental trauma this will leave them forever. They will lose their house and possibly everything because of his actions in the past and he can't support them now or help in any way... Just make it harder now because of what he did.

I don't know how to deal with this. I miss him, I regret not doing more, not talking more... Not giving more advice...
But, I'm so angry! How can he be so selfish and destroy his children's lives? I talked to him about this in depth! He agreed with me me and understood... But he did it JUST so he would avoid accountability and the shame of losing his status and for paying for his crimes or actions.

I don't know how to deal with this and I have no idea how his family and friends will deal with this.

I'm in shock and emotionally messed up. So confused and so drained.
 

Alwayswrong

Well-Known Member
#2
Hi, @Lestat. I'm very sorry. I can relate. I lost somebody to suicide last week.
I guess a suicide leaves a giant question mark in all he/she leaves behind. Guilt is very common in any bereavement, but in cases like this it's inevitable to question oneself if one could have done anything different. In your case, it isn't your fault. But the staff of professionals should have paid more attention to the signs one as a lay is not used to detect.
May God help his family and bless you. You gave it all.
 

Brian777

Safety and Support
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#3
I’m so sorry @Lestat, thats a difficult event to deal with. You did your best and more to help this man. I’m just sorry that he couldn’t see another way out, sometimes when we’re in that condition, fear and shame overwhelms us and we see no other way, no matter what the cost or the consequences to others. It sounds that no matter what you said, his mind was made up. Try to release the anger you feel towards him, change it to love and compassion for him and his family. You’re a good person for being there when he needed you. Take care my friend.
Brian
 

Corpse bride

Well-Known Member
#5
Hi Lestat, I’m so sorry to hear that your friend killed himself. A friend of mine killed himself last July and I didn’t find out until November. I’m really struggling too and there’s nothing I can say to make you feel better because I know how it feels to loose somebody you care for. For me it was also unexpected and now I wish I could have made so many things differently to keep him here. I even talked to a medium because I couldn’t let go of the situation. Let’s just hope they’re both at a better place now and in peace. I also can’t imagine how their families feel like.
It’s good to hear he had you and your comfort at he’s last night, you were able to try your best and I’m sure he appreciated your effort. I wished I would have done the same.
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#6
Sorry to hear that you lost your friend

It's not clear that you could have done anything that would have changed this

It might help to contact his family if you can. They are probably experiencing some of the same feelings.

You might also be able to brainstorm some solutions to their housing problem
 
#7
Hi Lestat, I am SO sorry about your friend but please, please don’t take any of the guilt on yourself. As others have said there is nothing you could have done. Like others I have experienced Suicide and the picking up of the pieces afterwards, the endless question why, and the guilt but then comes the sadness .. the deep black sadness .. that that person could only see death as the way out of their troubles. It’s been a long tine since we have spoken. I had to see the crisis team this week. Please keep talking on this site. Stay with us here please love xxx
 

Aprilflowers7

Well-Known Member
#8
Some people do not see a way out. For them, this is true. There are many homes that do not pay attention to their clients as much as they should because they're unreliable and/or don't get paid enough. I know of this one old lady who tried to cut herself with a razor at her home and she ended up bleeding really badly but they didn't even take her to the hospital, which I thought was odd. It seems like they would have. If you want to you can contact your local government and try to talk about changes in homes like that. Group homes are also bad; they steal and lie and try to make you think it's your fault. My aunt tried to commit suicide in high school because she didn't have a good home life, but she survived and then died in her fifties. We don't really know why she died, but she was always kind of a loner. Was he a loner? I have read many loners understand social behavior more than most people, although I do not know if it is true; like most of the people I have met seem to be liars and have super-egos which I do not like. So I am more than often than not by myself. But I do not know what he was thinking at the time; I just try to come up with hypothetical theories that may or may not be true.
 

Lynsey1

Life is what u make of it
#9
I am so so sorry it's the absolute worst I hope u find strength in knowing he is in a better place now And he is at peace. Hang in there we are here for you!
 

Petal

SF Number 1 Fan
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#10
I am really sorry for your loss. He sounded like a good guy who wasn't used to affection which is sad :( may he rest in peace.
 

Lestat

Well-Known Member
#11
Just wanted to say sorry for not responding. It has been a crazy few weeks and so much has happened.

Hi, @Lestat. I'm very sorry. I can relate. I lost somebody to suicide last week.
I guess a suicide leaves a giant question mark in all he/she leaves behind. Guilt is very common in any bereavement, but in cases like this it's inevitable to question oneself if one could have done anything different. In your case, it isn't your fault. But the staff of professionals should have paid more attention to the signs one as a lay is not used to detect.
May God help his family and bless you. You gave it all.
Yeah, guilt and wishing things had been done is very hard to deal with. I find myself daydreaming about "What I should have said" and other things. It is hard. Thank you :)

I’m so sorry @Lestat, thats a difficult event to deal with. You did your best and more to help this man. I’m just sorry that he couldn’t see another way out, sometimes when we’re in that condition, fear and shame overwhelms us and we see no other way, no matter what the cost or the consequences to others. It sounds that no matter what you said, his mind was made up. Try to release the anger you feel towards him, change it to love and compassion for him and his family. You’re a good person for being there when he needed you. Take care my friend.
Brian
I did try. I tried so very hard and I honestly thought I did get through to him... I have tried to find ways to release the anger but nothing I do really works. I think time is all I have to get over this.

That's what's messed up about suicides, Lestat. It just leaves behind more questions than answers, more trauma than help and more pain than relief. I'm sorry about your friend. I hope that you find some peace.
It is messed up. I feel so sad for the family and everyone who loved him. I do wonder how they will view him now... It sucks. No real way to deal with it in a good way.

Hi Lestat, I’m so sorry to hear that your friend killed himself. A friend of mine killed himself last July and I didn’t find out until November. I’m really struggling too and there’s nothing I can say to make you feel better because I know how it feels to loose somebody you care for. For me it was also unexpected and now I wish I could have made so many things differently to keep him here. I even talked to a medium because I couldn’t let go of the situation. Let’s just hope they’re both at a better place now and in peace. I also can’t imagine how their families feel like.
It’s good to hear he had you and your comfort at he’s last night, you were able to try your best and I’m sure he appreciated your effort. I wished I would have done the same.
Yes, it is hard and so many wishes we have about what we should have done or said... I always sit down and wonder if I should have said something else and all the missed times I could have said something... but, nothing we can do to change the past. I now worry about people I know and find myself saying things to them to in the hopes I dont have anymore "I wish i said this" moments...
 

Lestat

Well-Known Member
#12
Sorry to hear that you lost your friend

It's not clear that you could have done anything that would have changed this

It might help to contact his family if you can. They are probably experiencing some of the same feelings.

You might also be able to brainstorm some solutions to their housing problem
Sadly they wont respond so I dont really have any way to do contact them now. I also dont want to force myself onto them. I think that road is gone now sadly :(
 

Lestat

Well-Known Member
#13
Hi Lestat, I am SO sorry about your friend but please, please don’t take any of the guilt on yourself. As others have said there is nothing you could have done. Like others I have experienced Suicide and the picking up of the pieces afterwards, the endless question why, and the guilt but then comes the sadness .. the deep black sadness .. that that person could only see death as the way out of their troubles. It’s been a long tine since we have spoken. I had to see the crisis team this week. Please keep talking on this site. Stay with us here please love xxx
Thank you. Yes, I know I cant really do anything... but the dreams and daydreams are always around. Added with everything else now it is really hard.

I hope you are ok. Crisis teams can help if you get a good one. It is hard though... No magic pills or words fix things so in the end it is down to us to take the steps to fix things and hopefully some people can guide us along the way.

I hope youre ok :)

Some people do not see a way out. For them, this is true. There are many homes that do not pay attention to their clients as much as they should because they're unreliable and/or don't get paid enough. I know of this one old lady who tried to cut herself with a razor at her home and she ended up bleeding really badly but they didn't even take her to the hospital, which I thought was odd. It seems like they would have. If you want to you can contact your local government and try to talk about changes in homes like that. Group homes are also bad; they steal and lie and try to make you think it's your fault. My aunt tried to commit suicide in high school because she didn't have a good home life, but she survived and then died in her fifties. We don't really know why she died, but she was always kind of a loner. Was he a loner? I have read many loners understand social behavior more than most people, although I do not know if it is true; like most of the people I have met seem to be liars and have super-egos which I do not like. So I am more than often than not by myself. But I do not know what he was thinking at the time; I just try to come up with hypothetical theories that may or may not be true.
There are many bad places... Luckily I was in a good one and so was he... I dont think anything anyone would have done would help. Maybe he should have been sectioned... but in the end I think he manipulated everyone so they wouldnt. He was an intelligent man and he knew what he was doing I think.

I am so so sorry it's the absolute worst I hope u find strength in knowing he is in a better place now And he is at peace. Hang in there we are here for you!
Thank you :) <3

I am really sorry for your loss. He sounded like a good guy who wasn't used to affection which is sad :( may he rest in peace.
I think youre right. I dont think he was use to anyone trying for him as maybe he had not really been in need for someone to help in the past
 
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