My piece of mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ive, May 1, 2016.

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  1. Ive

    Ive Member

    It's so ironic when someone who picked you up from misery, ended up breaking you.

    That's why i hate living. It's all about being picked up and destroyed by others. And feelings, i hate them.

    I don't want to feel a thing. I wonder how's it like to be numb from everything.

    I barely know what loneliness is. It's cold, and very unpleasant. I'd never feel that before, eventhough i'm all alone, because i was alone. It's also hurts, and i don't like it.

    But then again, what choice do i have? I was alone since the beginning. I don't know about my family but i think they don't care. No one care.

    i hate pain, i really do. That's why i built those 'walls', to prevent myself from getting hurt. I also create those 'worlds' where i could feel everything i want. Where i could feel love. And by my own choice, i sealed that world away from me. I was so sad at first. Those were my first time i feel so lonely in my own bedroom. Those were my first time i feel so empty. And those were my first time i feel so terrified by emptiness..

    But then again, i knew i couldn't live like that, drowning in those unreal feelings i felt whenever i imagine myself in certain situations. It's not right and i need to stop.

    That's why i tried to reach out for help. i tried to scream for help. Two hands answered it. They pulled me up, so that i won't drowned in there. Yet i'm afraid to know them further. Afraid that i would get hurt later. I was being so careful, until they embrace me with warmth and acceptance.

    I could never ask for anything better. Everything was perfect. I got someone to understand, someone who accept me and my problems.

    But it was short-lived..
    Their hand, which hold mine tightly before, now letting it go. Letting myself drowning again after i sealed my source of safety away, leaving me with this cold emptiness...

    I knew it's my fault, i already said sorry and they said everything was okay. But i just couldn't shake the feelings that there's a huge wall between us now, as if they hate me, they don't need me anymore, they sick and tired of me.

    Now i don't care anymore, i just want to sleep peacefully and being numb forever. I know this is very selfish of me and i know this is silly, but for me it's not. I value friendship and relationship a lot. That's why i'm being very careful with whoever tried to get close to me.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm really sorry for what happened, and what you're going through. I hope you'll reach out for support here.

    I don't have personal experience of what it's like to feel numb. But I know people who have either felt that way, or who feel that way now. They're also unhappy... some have said they want to feel something, anything, to take away the cold and empty numbness. So while I understand wanting to feel that way sometimes, to escape pain, it creates a whole new set of problems.
     
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry that you're struggling.

    May I ask, have you ever had any counseling or therapy to help you with your issues with feelings etc? It sounds like it could do you good.

    Please be kind to yourself, and try not to give up
     
  4. Ive

    Ive Member

    No, i've never had it. It's difficult to find that kind of help here. Besides, i don't want my family know. i don't want to bother anyone with it.

    Thank you
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    *hugs* Don't have any great advice other than keep talking if it helps, I just want you to know that I read your thread and I care. I am sorry you are suffering. Please keep talking here. Depression is a lonely world but you will find that you are not alone here.
     
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I suspect they are already noticing and being bothered with your distancing yourself and keeping away from all and not talking to them. Trust me- there is nothing more bothersome or difficult than having a family member that refuses to tell you what is wrong. It is same as anybody when is clear is something wrong and no matter how many times or what way you ask they keep saying "nothing " "nothing can be done" "doesnt matter" - all the cliches used by people that are trying to seal the problems away but in reality are simply making them much larger. Talking to them and getting help is the way to stop making things so hard on your family- it is not bothering them.
     
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