It's so ironic when someone who picked you up from misery, ended up breaking you. That's why i hate living. It's all about being picked up and destroyed by others. And feelings, i hate them. I don't want to feel a thing. I wonder how's it like to be numb from everything. I barely know what loneliness is. It's cold, and very unpleasant. I'd never feel that before, eventhough i'm all alone, because i was alone. It's also hurts, and i don't like it. But then again, what choice do i have? I was alone since the beginning. I don't know about my family but i think they don't care. No one care. i hate pain, i really do. That's why i built those 'walls', to prevent myself from getting hurt. I also create those 'worlds' where i could feel everything i want. Where i could feel love. And by my own choice, i sealed that world away from me. I was so sad at first. Those were my first time i feel so lonely in my own bedroom. Those were my first time i feel so empty. And those were my first time i feel so terrified by emptiness.. But then again, i knew i couldn't live like that, drowning in those unreal feelings i felt whenever i imagine myself in certain situations. It's not right and i need to stop. That's why i tried to reach out for help. i tried to scream for help. Two hands answered it. They pulled me up, so that i won't drowned in there. Yet i'm afraid to know them further. Afraid that i would get hurt later. I was being so careful, until they embrace me with warmth and acceptance. I could never ask for anything better. Everything was perfect. I got someone to understand, someone who accept me and my problems. But it was short-lived.. Their hand, which hold mine tightly before, now letting it go. Letting myself drowning again after i sealed my source of safety away, leaving me with this cold emptiness... I knew it's my fault, i already said sorry and they said everything was okay. But i just couldn't shake the feelings that there's a huge wall between us now, as if they hate me, they don't need me anymore, they sick and tired of me. Now i don't care anymore, i just want to sleep peacefully and being numb forever. I know this is very selfish of me and i know this is silly, but for me it's not. I value friendship and relationship a lot. That's why i'm being very careful with whoever tried to get close to me.