Not good enough

[Jolene]

I'm starting a new thread because my willing to die is higher than ever but the reasons are clearer. I understand why and, the worst part is, that there's no way out.
Most of you know my story. My broken heart, my ex boyfriend, missing him, the post-break up looong period giving steps ahead and back... Sometimes I was near to get him back, I understand it now, but another ones not. And the "not" part won. Now things are worse than ever.
I had a crush for the first time in two years but it was...fireworks. When everything seemed to be shinning, darkeness came back, worse than ever.
So I have my heart broken for two reasons (different ones, obviously, but I'm destroyed)
There are aother problems in my life (academic, familiar...) and these and the "love" ones sum up in something: I'm not good enough to get anything I want and need. A whole life of pain is waiting (and I should be used to because when I look back I see the same: everything I've wanted and needed and never got because I wasn't good enough". How much do I have to stand this? 50 years? 50 years suffering all days and nights, wanting and needing things that I'll never get (and I'm not asking thinks like "marry George Clooney" "win a Grammy". I'm asking for things that everybody can have except for me).
The last monts, in various fields of my life can be summed up in "oh, look, a little light, yes, yes, you're smiling, everything you were fighting for is about to be yours, reach it, you're almost there, can you feel...?ohhhhhh sorry, you lost again. Go back to the darkness, the illusion ended, it was only just a dream". This is torture.
I'm desperate and tired. I'm becoming bitter with my friends (who are pretending not to notice but I know that they are), my family (which know me waaaay less than my friends, than my therapist, than you...because I barely share anything with them) started to tell me that I'm looking bad again. I'm fighting to not stop eating again (I was in "severe risk of anorexia" - diagnose- two years ago and I lost too much weight). But I don't wanna live. Now my reason is more precise, is the same as always, but I didn't have the correct "definition". I'm hopeless and life keeps playing jokes on me, making me more miserable with more direct pain, or, worse, pretending that I can have something good and then taking it from me and hurting me more. This is my life, this is like it has always been but the last things (the last two years) it became unbearable because the things I lost / couldn't get were more important. I'm not willing to live forever like this and this is what I will have if I don't kill myself

 

[Lara_C]

Hi Jolene, I'm sorry things seem to be even worse than they were before, but as I've said before, you have been suffering from untreated depression for well over a year and imo you need medical help as the talk therapy you're getting isn't enough by itself to help. Your mind has become stuck in a negative loop and dwelling on the past, limiting your life NOW and ability to feel happiness.

 

[The Tigress ♡]

Hey, I am really really sorry to hear that life is giving you too many lemons at once. This really sucks. I know that everything seems really messy right now but I just need you to know something : YOU are strong. And that's because you are determined to live on despite the lemons that were bound to be chucked into your mouth. I want YOU to continue fighting and please don't give up on yourself yet. Just no... We are all here to support you. YOU can do it. YOU will make it.

Take care now and i hope to hear from you soon.
Here's a tackles

 

[Jolene]

Hi Jolene, I'm sorry things seem to be even worse than they were before, but as I've said before, you have been suffering from untreated depression for well over a year and imo you need medical help as the talk therapy you're getting isn't enough by itself to help. Your mind has become stuck in a negative loop and dwelling on the past, limiting your life NOW and ability to feel happiness.

I understand... But I was getting better, last times my therapist said that she was seeing me better and now I'm like this and worse... She told me that she wants to do "something different" in the next session. I don't know what will it be.

But it's not the past. It's the present and the future. Not having the things I want and need. Almost having them and then loose again. It's the fact that, even if I'm not asking too much, I can't have anything, I'm not good enough. I need to be better than...everybody? And that's impossible. On the contrary, everybody is better than me. And it's not only a matter of self-esteem, it's about "results". There is always somebody who wins me over, in every field of my life, and I can't have anything for that, for not being better

 

[Jolene]

Hey, I am really really sorry to hear that life is giving you too many lemons at once. This really sucks. I know that everything seems really messy right now but I just need you to know something : YOU are strong. And that's because you are determined to live on despite the lemons that were bound to be chucked into your mouth. I want YOU to continue fighting and please don't give up on yourself yet. Just no... We are all here to support you. YOU can do it. YOU will make it.

Take care now and i hope to hear from you soon.
Here's a tackles

Thank you so much for your words. Yes, too many lemons here. I try to be strong, I have been wanting to kill myself for two years and I'm still alive,, I guess something makes me keep fighting but I'm tired and I don't even know it the fight worths it, since the result is always the same.
((hugs))

 

[Angel777]

You sound so unhappy Jolene, I think you are depressed, might be a very good idea to talk to your doctor about how you feel, he could give you antidepressants to lift your mood. As for your freinds , real freinds care about how you feel, and stand by you, if your not getting that, then it time to change company. As for thinking your not good enough, that is a lie, you are, I reckon you have achieved a lot of things in your life. Think about that ,and see the truth. As for wanting results now, sometimes patience is needed, you can’t always win first time at everything, but trying makes you more likely to get results later . Some of the greatest achievers failed loads of times . Don’t let failure hold you back ever, see failure as a learning experiance. I hope you get the sucsess you deserve.

 

[Jolene]

You sound so unhappy Jolene, I think you are depressed, might be a very good idea to talk to your doctor about how you feel, he could give you antidepressants to lift your mood. As for your freinds , real freinds care about how you feel, and stand by you, if your not getting that, then it time to change company. As for thinking your not good enough, that is a lie, you are, I reckon you have achieved a lot of things in your life. Think about that ,and see the truth. As for wanting results now, sometimes patience is needed, you can’t always win first time at everything, but trying makes you more likely to get results later . Some of the greatest achievers failed loads of times . Don’t let failure hold you back ever, see failure as a learning experiance. I hope you get the sucsess you deserve.

Thank you so much...
I have the best friends in the world for supporting me, but I don't feel I deserve them...
And...No, I haven't achieved much and the things I got are not important... I got nothing I've ever fighted for with all my soul... This is how I ended up like this.
My doctor knows, I've been avoiding meds until now (only some for sleeping, but not antidepressants), I've been in therapy for two years and I'm not getting any better since bad things keep happening... It's impossible to ignore the pain of the present

 

[Were all together]

Thank you so much...
I have the best friends in the world for supporting me, but I don't feel I deserve them...
And...No, I haven't achieved much and the things I got are not important... I got nothing I've ever fighted for with all my soul... This is how I ended up like this.
My doctor knows, I've been avoiding meds until now (only some for sleeping, but not antidepressants), I've been in therapy for two years and I'm not getting any better since bad things keep happening... It's impossible to ignore the pain of the present

Jolene, I think it's time to try the anti depressants. I commend you for going without them this far. But, sometimes the brain needs a little help with the serotonin levels.

 

[Lara_C]

I hope you will talk to your doctor again about meds Jolene as you've been feeling like this for such a long time with no lasting relief, despite your therapy sessions.

Antidepressants have been shown by MRI scans to work by affecting the way the brain processes emotional stimuli, namely they remove the focus on negative stimuli which is characteristic of depression. There's no point in suffering like this any more when there are meds which could work for you.

https://www.nationalelfservice.net/...ssants-work-by-changing-emotional-processing/

 

[Angel777]

Antidepressants saved my life, I could hardly function , and was so neg with my thinking , and they helped me. I do hope you get help with your depression , you deserve to be well and not suffering . You say you haven’t achieved much , but I think if you really sat down and thought about it , you would see you have achieved a lot. Just getting threw life itself is a major achievement in itself. When everything is neg, try and do somthing positive , be self compassionate, treat yourself to beauty treatment, go to the cafe for a cake .etc . Do you own a Cat or a dog, I find a pet can bring a lot of happiness to your life. I’m glad you have supportive friends, that’s a godsend . So now I hope you take some action with being self compassionate, and I hope you see your doctor. Make that small effort , you will thank yourself later .

 

[Jolene]

Jolene, I think it's time to try the anti depressants. I commend you for going without them this far. But, sometimes the brain needs a little help with the serotonin levels.

Yes, I know, but I am scared. I don't feel comfortable with them and I'm concerned about side effects. I will discuss it with my doctor, of course, but it's hard...

 

[Jolene]

I hope you will talk to your doctor again about meds Jolene as you've been feeling like this for such a long time with no lasting relief, despite your therapy sessions.

Antidepressants have been shown by MRI scans to work by affecting the way the brain processes emotional stimuli, namely they remove the focus on negative stimuli which is characteristic of depression. There's no point in suffering like this any more when there are meds which could work for you.

https://www.nationalelfservice.net/...ssants-work-by-changing-emotional-processing/

I know, you've always recommended it to me and I keep trying to avoid them... Because you know what I think. But... I don't know anymore. I'm just scared

 

[Jolene]

Antidepressants saved my life, I could hardly function , and was so neg with my thinking , and they helped me. I do hope you get help with your depression , you deserve to be well and not suffering . You say you haven’t achieved much , but I think if you really sat down and thought about it , you would see you have achieved a lot. Just getting threw life itself is a major achievement in itself. When everything is neg, try and do somthing positive , be self compassionate, treat yourself to beauty treatment, go to the cafe for a cake .etc . Do you own a Cat or a dog, I find a pet can bring a lot of happiness to your life. I’m glad you have supportive friends, that’s a godsend . So now I hope you take some action with being self compassionate, and I hope you see your doctor. Make that small effort , you will thank yourself later .

I don't have a pet, I would love it but at this moment it's not possible (I've been counting the days until I can have a cat since I can remember, but I'm living with my family and they don't want pets in an apartment). Yes, I am very lucky to have so supportive friends, I know and I will never be able to thank them enough everything they do for me. I wish it was enough for being happy and I feel guilty as hell for not being content with my life as it is. But I can't.

As I was telling, I am very afraid of taking meds. I feel that I wouldn't have "complete control" of my brain and... I know it's stupid but I would feel like I wasn't be living in my reality. I suffer too much but I fear the antidepressants because I think they would "lie" to me about this reality, hiding the problems, but the problems would still be there and if I can't solve them, I will never be happy, it wouldn't matter how many pills I took

 

[A guy with feelings]

Jolene, just let me say that I know EXACTLY how you feel! No advice, no head Pat's, no "poor baby". Just I know how you feel because I'm just like you. Ask Lara, she knows. I'll just say that you aren't alone. But we are in a good place for love and support here to help get through another day.

Big hug 🤗 (Couldn't stop myself there)

 

[Jolene]

Jolene, just let me say that I know EXACTLY how you feel! No advice, no head Pat's, no "poor baby". Just I know how you feel because I'm just like you. Ask Lara, she knows. I'll just say that you aren't alone. But we are in a good place for love and support here to help get through another day.

Big hug 🤗 (Couldn't stop myself there)

Thank you a lot and big hug for you too. And yes, we are in a good place for love and support, I'll never find the words to thank all SF family everything you do for me

 

[whyimhere]

Yes, I know, but I am scared. I don't feel comfortable with them and I'm concerned about side effects. I will discuss it with my doctor, of course, but it's hard...

I understand this feeling. I've had friends get messed up on them and ideally you want someone around who can keep an eye on you in case they make you suicidal. There are natural things you can try as well. You could try seeing a naturopath or just over the counter minerals can be very helpful.

 

[Angel777]

Hi Jolene , I’m sorry to hear that your scared to take anti depressants . All I can say after being on them for 20 years is that they don’t alter your reality, they just take away the pain and the negativity , you can think more rationally . I can understand your fears but don’t be afraid of them they are a positive asset, to health . You can always try alternative methods . 5htp is a natural supplement . Have you Thought about a dog , it’s a big dedication to walk it everyday , but getting out walking is a good mood booster .

 

[Walker]

It's impossible to ignore the pain of the present

It is impossible to ignore the present but sometimes a difference in the view of the world is in order. If you concentrate on the bad shit then that's all you can see. There is good things in every single persons life, including yours.

I don't feel comfortable with them and I'm concerned about side effects.

You're afraid of the side effects of antidepressants? Well clearly the side effect of not taking it is that you are suicidal day in and day out for at least the 18 months that you've been here at this site. So which is worse? Enduring a POSSIBLE side effect of medication or feeling like shit every day?

 

[Jolene]

Hi Jolene , I’m sorry to hear that your scared to take anti depressants . All I can say after being on them for 20 years is that they don’t alter your reality, they just take away the pain and the negativity , you can think more rationally . I can understand your fears but don’t be afraid of them they are a positive asset, to health . You can always try alternative methods . 5htp is a natural supplement . Have you Thought about a dog , it’s a big dedication to walk it everyday , but getting out walking is a good mood booster .

I will read about that...
About getting a dog, as I said, I can't have pets right now, I wish but I can't. And it would be a cat because I love them and... It's not I don't like dogs, I do but I am afraid of them (like, when a neighbour is in the elevator with one, I take the stairs, I change my side of the street if I'm about to cross paths with someone walking one...

 

[Jolene]

It is impossible to ignore the present but sometimes a difference in the view of the world is in order. If you concentrate on the bad shit then that's all you can see. There is good things in every single persons life, including yours.


You're afraid of the side effects of antidepressants? Well clearly the side effect of not taking it is that you are suicidal day in and day out for at least the 18 months that you've been here at this site. So which is worse? Enduring a POSSIBLE side effect of medication or feeling like shit every day?

One of the things that scares me is that one of the side effects are suicidal thoughts. So, if I already have them, would the antidepressants intensify them and give me the bravery to do it? It is impossible to know.
I know its not the same, I will explain myself the best that I can but I've never used drugs adn never will because I am afraid of not having the total control of myself. Alcohol is different, I drink (not everyday and not until ending up waisted) because it barely affects me (never did) and I know my body and know how much can I drink without feeling sick. But meds are different, especially the ones which are going directly to the brain. I can't know how will my brain react and, as I said, if just one time the side effect is having the courage to kill myself...well, one time would be enough. It's funny because since I want to be dead and I'm not capable of doing it, I should be wanting to try the antidepressants thinking that this side effect would give me the final push. It's complicated