Not good enough

[Lara_C]

One of the things that scares me is that one of the side effects are suicidal thoughts. So, if I already have them, would the antidepressants intensify them and give me the bravery to do it? It is impossible to know.

In terms of the many people who are helped by meds, this is a rare unwanted effect and applies mostly to young people aged under twenty five, and sometimes when the dose isn't titrated slowly enough for the body to adjust. Your response would be closely monitored by the prescribing doctor, though.

Having suicidal thoughts and feelings constantly for two years shows your mind isn't under your control because you would never freely choose to feel this way. Meds can get rid of disturbing thoughts and feelings, restoring the sense of control. They have saved many lives, but you don't hear about that much on SF, being a form dedicated to those in suicidal despair and crisis.

 

[Lara_C]

* As far as I know the start or increase in suicidal ideation is mainly an adverse effect seen in a relatively few under 25s, but you can check this yourself or ask your doctor. This is because there's a difference between the less mature brain and more mature ones.

 

[Jolene]

In terms of the many people who are helped by meds, this is a rare unwanted effect and applies mostly to young people aged under twenty five, and sometimes when the dose isn't titrated slowly enough for the body to adjust. Your response would be closely monitored by the prescribing doctor, though.

Having suicidal thoughts and feelings constantly for two years shows your mind isn't under your control because you would never freely choose to feel this way. Meds can get rid of disturbing thoughts and feelings, restoring the sense of control. They have saved many lives, but you don't hear about that much on SF, being a form dedicated to those in suicidal despair and crisis.

Thank you. Yes, I know they saved lives but... If my problems are still there, if I can't get what I want and need, what's the point? I will talk about it with my doctor, because I'm not sure of what can they do for me in my specific situation, but getting information won't hurt

 

[Lara_C]

If my problems are still there, if I can't get what I want and need, what's the point?

Its a decision that only you and your doctor can make Jolene, but I'm not sure why you would rather go on suffering like this instead of trying something that helps many people. From the link I posted above MRI scans show antidepressants work by changing the way the brain processes emotions. As it states

• Giving people who are depressed the space to not be focusing on negative emotions or events all the time is a powerful first step to help people make changes in their lives to sustain their recovery

People who are depressed have biases in how they process emotional stimuli, namely they

• Process negative stimuli differently:
  • Pay more attention to negative emotions
  • Remember negative stimuli better
  • Classify neutral/ambiguous faces as negative
  • Remember more negative events from the past
• Process positive stimuli differently:
  • Classify positive faces as neutral
  • Experience reduced pleasure from previously rewarding activities
• Struggle to regulate emotions as well, especially getting control of negative emotions

Antidepressants were found to have

• Decreased the response of the brain to negative emotional stimuli
• Increased the response of the brain to positive emotional stimuli
• Increased the activation of an area of the prefrontal cortex linked to emotional regulation.

 

[Angel777]

sorry to hear you can’t have a pet in your apartment . You say you love cats , I do too, I had a cat for 16 years , till he passed, he bought so much love and happiness into my life I miss him every day. I now have a cat called tiger he’s 3 , he’s a sweetheart. I thought if you can’t have a cat yet , perhaps you could volunteer at a cat shelter , these shelters need a lot of help, and it could lift your mood , just start off one day a week, and see how you go. You say you’ve worked so hard to achieve ,but quite a lot of the time you never get the results you want, well I’ve had that happen to me so many times in college , I’ve failed loads of times , exams, driving tests .cost me a fortune . Sometimes it’s not about the winning, but about the strength to keep on learning , going on despite the failure, enjoying the moment . It’s tough i know, but you are not alone with this, their are thousands of people out there who have to keep going despite all the failure. And did you know after failing loads I passed my driving test in the end.

 

[Jolene]

sorry to hear you can’t have a pet in your apartment . You say you love cats , I do too, I had a cat for 16 years , till he passed, he bought so much love and happiness into my life I miss him every day. I now have a cat called tiger he’s 3 , he’s a sweetheart. I thought if you can’t have a cat yet , perhaps you could volunteer at a cat shelter , these shelters need a lot of help, and it could lift your mood , just start off one day a week, and see how you go. You say you’ve worked so hard to achieve ,but quite a lot of the time you never get the results you want, well I’ve had that happen to me so many times in college , I’ve failed loads of times , exams, driving tests .cost me a fortune . Sometimes it’s not about the winning, but about the strength to keep on learning , going on despite the failure, enjoying the moment . It’s tough i know, but you are not alone with this, their are thousands of people out there who have to keep going despite all the failure. And did you know after failing loads I passed my driving test in the end.

You are right, but it's a whole life or putting my soul on things and losing... I'm overthinking and getting desperate trying to figure out the way to get what I want and need and the obstacles don't stop growing... Glad you ending up passing your driving test but I don't think I will pass "mine", this is why I want to die, because I can't stand a whole life putting my everything trying to get things (and as I said, I'm not asking crazy things, I want and need things that almost everybody have) and failing. I wish I could find the way to make my wishes come true but as the title of the post... It seems that I'm not good enough

 

[Angel777]

I do understand where your coming from, but like I’ve said I’ve failed at loads of things, but it’s the only way you learn . You are good enough believe me , many times ive told myself I’m crap ,useless, would take years to get to where I want to be . But I’ve achieved , a few things , so their is hope for you. I learned a tough lesson , that everything takes time , you can’t have success overnight. What are your interests? I find if you do somthing that makes you happy, your more likely to stick at it . Depression is a horrible illness, it’s took me to the depths of despair, where ending my life , seemed like the answer, but it never is. You have to try a little , not loads ,just a little, to get you moving . Self compassion , is the key , YOU need to care for yourself , just as much as you care for others , and that is what will make you a winner .

 

[Jolene]

I do understand where your coming from, but like I’ve said I’ve failed at loads of things, but it’s the only way you learn . You are good enough believe me , many times ive told myself I’m crap ,useless, would take years to get to where I want to be . But I’ve achieved , a few things , so their is hope for you. I learned a tough lesson , that everything takes time , you can’t have success overnight. What are your interests? I find if you do somthing that makes you happy, your more likely to stick at it . Depression is a horrible illness, it’s took me to the depths of despair, where ending my life , seemed like the answer, but it never is. You have to try a little , not loads ,just a little, to get you moving . Self compassion , is the key , YOU need to care for yourself , just as much as you care for others , and that is what will make you a winner .

Thank you. It's just... I have been through very bad thngs in my life and I was always strong, went through it, moved on, ept going... And then this, two years ago I fell into this. I wasn't really happy the most part of my life but I wasn't too sad either, enough. Now this seems a neverending nightmare, the sn should have rised long time ago and instead of that, this keeps getting darker

 

[Jolene]

I feel awful these days. My anxiety and fear is getting worse but... I'm confirming I am right. Or mi mind is, I don't know, but some things are being too painful. I'm feeling rejected in a thousand ways in several areas of my life, everything I want and need is denied and I am getting more traumatized than before, if that's possible. I am missing how miserable I was a year and two ago, I wanted to die as well and I was suffering an enormous pain but now is worst because... I tried to fight for new things and the results were even worst. I can't stand this. I only want to dissappear, I feel embarrased and humillated. I'm a mess and I don't want to keep living this life. But there are no way out: Or I kill myself (I wish I could but I know that I'm too coward) or things keep getting worse and worse.. This is a nightmare

 

[Petal]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Its unfair,life can be very cruel. I just want to let you know I read this and feel for you so much, may life improve for you, keep talking, talking might help more than you think, SF is here for you. Anxiety is a bitch. Keep fighting it and stay linked in with the professionals. Loads of hugs

 

[Jolene]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Its unfair,life can be very cruel. I just want to let you know I read this and feel for you so much, may life improve for you, keep talking, talking might help more than you think, SF is here for you. Anxiety is a bitch. Keep fighting it and stay linked in with the professionals. Loads of hugs

Thank you a lot.
Today is being very bad day. And I feel so small and... I just want to dissappear, I don't want to keep living. I'm not the person who I had to be to have what I want and need and never will.

Thank you for listening. ((Hugs))

 

[Petal]

Thank you a lot.
Today is being very bad day. And I feel so small and... I just want to dissappear, I don't want to keep living. I'm not the person who I had to be to have what I want and need and never will.

Thank you for listening. ((Hugs))

I understand, its very hard, very draining and life can suck the life out of you then throw in anxiety and fear - then you just want to curl up into a ball and cry and hide. I strongly relate to what you write and feel like at the moment.

Being scared to die and being scared to live at the same time is hell but we hear you and will always listen shall you need us.

Is there anything relaxing you can do at the moment to fight how you feel?

x

 

[Angel777]

Hi Jolene I just want you to know that I have been threw the pain , and the feelings of hopelessness that you have been threw. You are not alone with this. Like I said in my previous posts , it’s time to start looking after yourself, at the moment it’s not about achieving things, but about taking care of you, and accepting yourself as being good enough , because you are. First step , treat your self to a hairdo, try some yoga, these are small steps , but a start, then try the cinema, or the cafe for cake and tea, etc .doing these small things can change your mood . If you can keep this routine going, then perhaps later look at a college course , or volunteer. It’s not about sucseding at volunteering or college it’s about taking part and enjoying the moment, the experiance .(This will take the pressure off .)You are far to harsh on yourself,all the neg things you tell yourself , you wouldn’t say to someone else, so don’t think of your self this way. A self esteem course , would be perfect for you . I think you need someone to believe in you , and I would say that everyone’s on here does. So are you going to be kind to yourself , that is the first step ?

 

[MagickLynx]

I haven't read the entire thread but just wanted to say change in diet can sometimes help mood, sometimes if we are low on B vitamins or vitamin D a little boost of those can help, even just getting out in sunlight regular is good. Try to get the vitamins from food rather than supplements thought, if possible as some sups are synthetic and won't do much good.

 

[Jolene]

I understand, its very hard, very draining and life can suck the life out of you then throw in anxiety and fear - then you just want to curl up into a ball and cry and hide. I strongly relate to what you write and feel like at the moment.

Being scared to die and being scared to live at the same time is hell but we hear you and will always listen shall you need us.

Is there anything relaxing you can do at the moment to fight how you feel?

x

Thank you for understanding, you have described it perfectly.
And...no, I still didn't find anything relaxing to do when I'm at my worst, only crying and getting through the anxiety attack and wait.. Because all the things that used to make me feel better are pointless since I'm like this, and specially at those moments. When I'm at my worst, I can't focus in anything that isn't my problem and I tried to "forced" myself to, and it was worst, because I added more frustration to the whole picture

 

[Jolene]

Hi Jolene I just want you to know that I have been threw the pain , and the feelings of hopelessness that you have been threw. You are not alone with this. Like I said in my previous posts , it’s time to start looking after yourself, at the moment it’s not about achieving things, but about taking care of you, and accepting yourself as being good enough , because you are. First step , treat your self to a hairdo, try some yoga, these are small steps , but a start, then try the cinema, or the cafe for cake and tea, etc .doing these small things can change your mood . If you can keep this routine going, then perhaps later look at a college course , or volunteer. It’s not about sucseding at volunteering or college it’s about taking part and enjoying the moment, the experiance .(This will take the pressure off .)You are far to harsh on yourself,all the neg things you tell yourself , you wouldn’t say to someone else, so don’t think of your self this way. A self esteem course , would be perfect for you . I think you need someone to believe in you , and I would say that everyone’s on here does. So are you going to be kind to yourself , that is the first step ?

Thank you for your words, this means a lot.
I am in college somehow and I (have to) do lots of tasks, so my minf should be busy wuth that but I can't focus. And I keep trying to add things to my routine and I am failing because... That,, I can't focus in anything. My pain is bigger and the only thing my mind wants to do is trying to solve the problem but I can't find a way and... Well, aniety, worst phases of deppression... The usual stuff.
The thing is that many people believe in me and I am a huge joke, pretending to be doing more that I'm doinng so... This complicates the things but I can't admit that I'm so bad that I'm been the most unproductive person ever.
I just wish to be better, I don't even know how, I just want to be the person I have to be to have what I want and need and that seems impossible because... I'm not that person. And I don't want to live in this shadow, I rather be dead that keep living like this

 

[Jolene]

I haven't read the entire thread but just wanted to say change in diet can sometimes help mood, sometimes if we are low on B vitamins or vitamin D a little boost of those can help, even just getting out in sunlight regular is good. Try to get the vitamins from food rather than supplements thought, if possible as some sups are synthetic and won't do much good.

Thank you. I never took supplements, all my vitamins come from food. Funny thing: my health is very weak since many years ago, but since I'm deppressed, it got better. Best tests and analysis of my whole life (even when I was losing too much weight, my levels of everything were better than ever). Isn't it ironic? Since I want to die, my body refuses to and my health gets better than ever. I can't rely on one of my chornical issues for killing me. Fantastic

 

[Angel777]

It is great that you are at college , that’s an amazing achievement in it self . Give yourself some credit for that. You seem really anxious about it all though , when I was at uni years ago , I suffered with anxiety and stress to the max , and I only completed the first year . I had a very bad experience their , the tutor was horrible saying she would smash my head against a blackboard as I didn’t understand some question she was asking. I never went back there again . Fast forward 15 years , I still did not go back . But I realised the prob was the teacher , i should not have been treated like that . I also had no support , and should of been on anxiety meds. I lost all faith in education for years . But now I know, not every teacher is horrible , I just got a bad tutor , their are lots of excellent teachers out there, plus you can get some extra support if you have a mental health condition now . I would never step foot in a uni without meds. As I know I am no good with high stress . Anyway what I’m trying to say is , are you getting support in this environment , and secondly I really think you should talk to your doc about anxiety meds. You have been threw so much , and you deserve to help yourself . Don’t be like me , who suffered for years . Get the help .

 

[Jolene]

It is great that you are at college , that’s an amazing achievement in it self . Give yourself some credit for that. You seem really anxious about it all though , when I was at uni years ago , I suffered with anxiety and stress to the max , and I only completed the first year . I had a very bad experience their , the tutor was horrible saying she would smash my head against a blackboard as I didn’t understand some question she was asking. I never went back there again . Fast forward 15 years , I still did not go back . But I realised the prob was the teacher , i should not have been treated like that . I also had no support , and should of been on anxiety meds. I lost all faith in education for years . But now I know, not every teacher is horrible , I just got a bad tutor , their are lots of excellent teachers out there, plus you can get some extra support if you have a mental health condition now . I would never step foot in a uni without meds. As I know I am no good with high stress . Anyway what I’m trying to say is , are you getting support in this environment , and secondly I really think you should talk to your doc about anxiety meds. You have been threw so much , and you deserve to help yourself . Don’t be like me , who suffered for years . Get the help .

Sorry for your experience, it must have been awful.
The thing is that college have me anxious because I started what I'm doing when I was already like this. I thought it would make me happy, because it was a dream that I had, but no,I'm not enjoying it, I don't work enough (nobody notices it because my deadline isn't near but the more time passes, the more difficult to hide is the real situation) and I don't even care. Because I don't want to get anything related to this because I don't want to live. I don't want to be alive in a few years. Hell, I don't want to be alive tomorrow. I don't care about anything anymore except my pain and how to solve the problem, and I can't do anything, I can't be that person and without this, nothing else matters

 

[MagickLynx]

Thank you. I never took supplements, all my vitamins come from food. Funny thing: my health is very weak since many years ago, but since I'm deppressed, it got better. Best tests and analysis of my whole life (even when I was losing too much weight, my levels of everything were better than ever). Isn't it ironic? Since I want to die, my body refuses to and my health gets better than ever. I can't rely on one of my chornical issues for killing me. Fantastic

That is weird, I'm sorry *s