Not good enough

[Jolene]

Hi Jolene , from someone who has constantly put themselves down over the years for not being academically good enough, or smart enough for certain jobs . I’m telling you now , to accept yourself. I have felt like you have in the past, differant circumstances , and i can tell you now, you will get better , you just take it one day at a time . it has been a long hard battle , for me ,but when you believe you are good enough Just as you are ,then you will get the breakthrough .you want . It’s all about working on your self esteem , your thought pattern , cbt is good for this . My counsellor made it clear to me , that yes I have low self esteem , but when I look at some of the things ive achieved , in the past , it’s enough .and If i build on that, it’s a bonus . Have you thought about trying Cbt.

Thank you a lot.
Yes, I have low self esteem and insecurities, as a matter of fact, that was the reason why my ex broke up with me. Should I have learnt of that but...
My therapist tries EMDR with me, trying to find the seed of my insecurities but I can "go back to the past" enough, I am too focused on my present problems.
But... Life is always showing me that no, I'm not good enough. I look back and I have achieved NOTHING. Not a single thing I've fought for was ever mine and, if it was, I lost it. And I keep doing it. And I'm not talking about difficult aims. I'm sure that if I wanted to have longer hair, mine would stop growing, because that's how my life works. No matter what I want and need, everything is denied to me. This is why I want to die, because I can't stand a lifetime of that. I've suffered enough

 

[Angel777]

Hi Jolene you said you have achieved nothing , but I think you are wrong , you have been to college , which is a major achievement , some people never go, you have loved and lost , some people never get the chance to love at all, as they feel their disability might hold them back , or they just feel unloveable. Although your relationship didn’t work out, probably due to a miss match , you will find the right person , who will love you for you , and all your flaws . It’s the neg thought patten that holds you back ,caused by low self esteem and depression , if you work on that , you will progress, believe me , without my meds , I’m extremely negative to myself , I’m my own worst enemy . I hope you can get help with meds , and your self esteem , take that next step to the doctors, and remember , you need to take meds long time for them to work. Your having counselling , to improve yourself , which is a positive step, so your achieving somthing there , so all I can say is ,more action is needed , see a doctor , who deals with , and understands depression ,Ask at the reception , for this. You will recover, in time , but a lot quicker by seing your doctor .

 

[Jolene]

Hi Jolene you said you have achieved nothing , but I think you are wrong , you have been to college , which is a major achievement , some people never go, you have loved and lost , some people never get the chance to love at all, as they feel their disability might hold them back , or they just feel unloveable. Although your relationship didn’t work out, probably due to a miss match , you will find the right person , who will love you for you , and all your flaws . It’s the neg thought patten that holds you back ,caused by low self esteem and depression , if you work on that , you will progress, believe me , without my meds , I’m extremely negative to myself , I’m my own worst enemy . I hope you can get help with meds , and your self esteem , take that next step to the doctors, and remember , you need to take meds long time for them to work. Your having counselling , to improve yourself , which is a positive step, so your achieving somthing there , so all I can say is ,more action is needed , see a doctor , who deals with , and understands depression ,Ask at the reception , for this. You will recover, in time , but a lot quicker by seing your doctor .

Thank you.
I understand your point but... I dn't consider college a major achievement. It happened and that's all, it's not something I had to fight for... Not too much. And I've loved and lost and I keep loving and losing because of that: I am unloveable. I will never have the person I love and the times I did, I lost them. I'm not good enough for that.
Fot the moment, the therapist didn't recommend meds, first we are trying what I told, refocusng my thoughts to someting not emotional, she sees me capable of that, I know I am not. I know I'm stupid but, for me, there's nothing more important than love, and if I am suffering for that, I can't focus in anything because nothing else matters.

 

[Andy13]

Thank you.
I understand your point but... I dn't consider college a major achievement. It happened and that's all, it's not something I had to fight for... Not too much. And I've loved and lost and I keep loving and losing because of that: I am unloveable. I will never have the person I love and the times I did, I lost them. I'm not good enough for that.
Fot the moment, the therapist didn't recommend meds, first we are trying what I told, refocusng my thoughts to someting not emotional, she sees me capable of that, I know I am not. I know I'm stupid but, for me, there's nothing more important than love, and if I am suffering for that, I can't focus in anything because nothing else matters.

Hello,

I read some of your posts. I am going some of the same issues: broken heart, depression, resisting medication. You are not alone.

 

[Jolene]

Hello,

I read some of your posts. I am going some of the same issues: broken heart, depression, resisting medication. You are not alone.

Thank you for your words. Same support to you. I understand you. I wish your situation ends up better than mine

 

[Jolene]

I'm coming to my post again because... bad days. And tonight is being awful. I am scared, worrying about the same things, I even have nightmares, my fears keep growing and I feel invisible and useless... Not good enough.
Lately life seemed to give me a chance. A small one but, finally, somthing to work with. Some advantage in my battle, even "weapons". But I lost everything again. As I always say, it was a "free trial", life gave me a litte miracle and just when I was starting to feel that, with a proper "fight", I could reach something... Everything is gone again and the situation is WAY worse than before.
I hate this and it have been happening since the start of the year. I prefer the pain from a year ago, at least it was no hope, life wasn't playing games on me making me believe in the small miracles for taking everything from me again.
I don't want this life and it's forever. A year ago I was destroyed but now I'm worst because I had little tastes of possibilities of being better and a moment later they were taken from me and the pain got worse. I don't know how much will I stand. I'm tired of suffering and the pain only gets worse. I rather be dead than living in this constant nightmare.

 

[Lara_C]

I'm sorry you're feeling even worse than before, but life isn't victimizing you Jolene - you are a victim of your own thoughts about life. Have you been able to tell your doctor just how bad you've been feeling, and for so long?

 

[A guy with feelings]

Jolene, I have been there myself. 2 years ago, I was days away from ending myself. I got a little victory and things looked good but then, it crashed down on me again. And it was deeper hurt than before! But another little victory, a friend who understood, another small victory, a shorter time in my living hell. And another crash. And another victory that I EMBRACED and poured myself into. And long, deep into the night conversations with Lara C from above ^^^

And guess what? The more I EMBRACED the victory and worked with it, the better I felt. Life ain't exactly a bowl of cherries today but I can say that it is way better than 2 years ago!

Hold on to your friends here. Look for small wins and work with them. But biggest of all, DON'T GIVE UP!

In closing, a thought that gave me pause: What if you ended it all tonight and walked through the pearly gates and were met with the comment "You're early! I had your fondest dream set up for next Thursday!" THAT stayed my hand more than once.

We are here for you.

 

[Lara_C]

Sorry for nagging you Jolene, but please see your doctor. As a friend, I hate to see you still in all this pain when I know there are meds which can help bring relief. Also, the longer you let depression go untreated, the worse it will get - as your post shows.

 

[Jolene]

I'm sorry you're feeling even worse than before, but life isn't victimizing you Jolene - you are a victim of your own thoughts about life. Have you been able to tell your doctor just how bad you've been feeling, and for so long?

Thank you. Yes, I told her but... She says that, even if I can't see it, I'm better than before. She doesn't understand why am I so sad for certain circumstance (in her defense, I will say that my friends don't understand either, well, yes, but, like her, they doesn't see my situation as bad as I do, but it's me who is living what is happening to me). In two days I'm seeing her again, I don't know how will I tell her everything I have to tell in one hour. Too many things happening

 

[Jolene]

Jolene, I have been there myself. 2 years ago, I was days away from ending myself. I got a little victory and things looked good but then, it crashed down on me again. And it was deeper hurt than before! But another little victory, a friend who understood, another small victory, a shorter time in my living hell. And another crash. And another victory that I EMBRACED and poured myself into. And long, deep into the night conversations with Lara C from above ^^^

And guess what? The more I EMBRACED the victory and worked with it, the better I felt. Life ain't exactly a bowl of cherries today but I can say that it is way better than 2 years ago!

Hold on to your friends here. Look for small wins and work with them. But biggest of all, DON'T GIVE UP!

In closing, a thought that gave me pause: What if you ended it all tonight and walked through the pearly gates and were met with the comment "You're early! I had your fondest dream set up for next Thursday!" THAT stayed my hand more than once.

We are here for you.

Thank you so much for your words and support... And your story is a good example for me. I wish I could start to embrace my victories, but the thing is that the "prize" is taken from me all the time and all I have achieved is cancelled. That's the thing.

Your last idea is making me cry but there are no sad tears exactly. I will try to hold that thought as you did, I wish there was hope for me and my dream. I really do.

Thank you again.

 

[Jolene]

Also... I have something else. Someone important in my life is going to a depression similar to mine and I'm not helping. I'm trying with all my energies (even pretending that I'm not in pain in order to send this person calm and realistic positiveness) but it's not enough. I know I can't save anyone, I'm here myself, but this person, without trying, kinda save part of me and now I can't do the same, I'm not good enough. And I am afraid that, as this keeps having ups and downs even when talking to me, decides to take distance from me. I would do anything for not losing this person but I am afraid I will (if I haven't yet). And that is affecting to me A LOT.

 

[A guy with feelings]

Sometimes you don't have to DO anything. just be there. So many times that all I needed was just too have someone be there. Words weren't necessary.

 

[Jolene]

Sometimes you don't have to DO anything. just be there. So many times that all I needed was just too have someone be there. Words weren't necessary.

Yes, and I'm there, giving support sometimes, leaving space anothers. This person knows that. But I'm afraid that this is not enough, that I'M not good enough. There are lots of complications in this situation and everything is fragile and there is fear to the possible situations. And this time is not only me fearing. As a matter of fact,, I'm pretending to not have fear and being confident (best role of my life, please, give me an Emmy). But there's nothing I can do to calm this person down about this.

 

[Jolene]

I will write because it's better to come here to vent and not doing what I am extremely tempted to do (no, not that, I'm "safe", even at my worst, I'll never have the guts to do it).
I am getting worse, I've been crying and worrying for hours and I've been trying to figure out the reason, because I knew it but I didn't want it to be that. But it is: Insecurity and jealously, fear of others being better than me and taking everything from me (not that there is something to take but in a way... Chances, I could loose or have already lost a little chance, the only one if I had one). Obviously I will tell this to my therapist, she knows I'm insecure and always fearing that but now I'm worst than ever. I shouldn't be, I have no reasons to think the worst but still... And I'm writing here to avoid commiting a mistake and indirectly asking for validation. I am desperate and I would need to be told and reminded that I'm worthy but I don't even know if I am. I don't want to be seeking attention, I don't want to be overwhelming. I use to control myself very well in that field: I can cry and want to die but I never overtexted or call someone crying or... And now I wouldn't to that exactly but something to seek that validation, to check how things (related to me) are... Because I am afraid, fearing the worst... And I don't want to be that person. I would never act like desperate (even if I am right now) but I should be quiet and not demanding attention right now. But I'm driving myself crazy withthe worst thoughts.
I don't know how I end up peing like this. My insecurities are in the highest level and I can't explain why. On the contrary, I should feel more confident but I'm not. I know that my therapist will say me exactly this (unless things go awfully the following to days and my worst nightmares come true, which could happen, could be happening right now).
I feel so small and weak, so pathetic... I want to disappear but when I decide to do it (isolate myself for a while) something happens, like something was telling me "No, you shouldn't, have this, you can't ignore this" but then...

Well, sorry for this, I'm being unbearable y a total mess, my mind is a mess.

 

[Jolene]

I can't stop thiking... I started to be suicidal two years ago and if I have done it the first time I thought about it, nothing of this would have happened. I've missed good things, yes, but since that good things ended up leading to more suffering, I guess that missing them would have been way better.
And I'll never have the guts to do it. I read about methods and cry because I'll never be capable of doing it. So I keep living and trying my best to get the things I want and need and, of course, I fail and that brings more pain and it's and endless circle. I want to end everything.
Last days are being specially awful because something changed (for worse, obviously) and I don't know how or why. I've must have done something very wrong and I don't know what it was. And I can't ask because the last time I did, well, the last time I did, that was the mistake and if I haven't done it, there's a high probability that I wouldn't be here (in SF) right now because the thing would have never happened. Now is worst. I don't know that I did, I am afraid there's no way to fix it and the worst part is that I am suspecting that what I "did" is the title of this post and my reason to wanting to die: Not being good enough.

I can't stop crying and I'm trapped here forever. I want to die, things don't stop to get worse and worse, I don't want to take this anymore.

 

[Lara_C]

Jolene, you have to stop thinking all this stuff, going round in endless circles. Can't you see its all in your own head and you have power over your thoughts - to keep the cycle going, one thought leading to another in a chain, round and round - or to catch yourself doing it and just stop. If you want to be well and happy you will have to stop it one day, so why not today?

 

[Lara_C]

 

[Jolene]

Jolene, you have to stop thinking all this stuff, going round in endless circles. Can't you see its all in your own head and you have power over your thoughts - to keep the cycle going, one thought leading to another in a chain, round and round - or to catch yourself doing it and just stop. If you want to be well and happy you will have to stop it one day, so why not today?

Because something is happening and I can't stop wondering why, what I have I done wrong and... Well, add this to my usual status of insecurities, fears and life giving me free sampes to take everything from me a moment later, when I need it the most... I can't break the circle because, even if my thoughts are not the better, life itself is bringing me more pain and suffering and everything because I'm not who I should be to have what I want and need

 

[Jolene]

Thank you, a lot