• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

Not really living

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#1
Back in 2010 I really started to fall apart with depression for the first time, killing myself was all I could think about, and for reasons I wont go into (the reasons aren't the point) I eventually decided that no matter what, I wouldn't kill myself, I took suicide off the table as an option. I have had ups and downs since then, and I have even had spans of time lasting months, even a year or more where I wasn't depressed, but through all that time, from the moment I decided not to kill myself, it doesn't feel like I chose life over killing myself, but rather chose to wait for death to come on its own. Ever since that time my life has been a holding pattern of simply waiting to die, every moment I can feel it slipping past, like a countdown, I'm quite sure there hasn't been a single day in the last 10 years where I haven't been aware of death coming 1 day closer, of me having 1 less day on this earth. When I'm OK I feel like I need to get a move on, and when I'm not OK, I just want the countdown to get a move-on, but I just don't feel like I'm living. There is just something missing. I'm going to reach my deathbed and not have lived a day since I was 20.
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#2
Very impressive that you're able to survive and even work full time with all of that. You should really give yourself credit for that!

There is just something missing. I'm going to reach my deathbed and not have lived a day since I was 20.
I guess that there is a possibility of this being untrue, right? That some things happen or the thinking changes and you end up living again. I'm hoping for something like that, myself. Typically this would be making a friend/partner or finding a great job or picking up a hobby, getting a pet etc. Hope you're able to live once again before dying, I think it's definitely possible and maybe even likely since it happens to a lot of people (not sure about the total numbers, but guessing that the majority of depressions end with resurrections, not sure).
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#3
Very impressive that you're able to survive and even work full time with all of that. You should really give yourself credit for that!


I guess that there is a possibility of this being untrue, right? That some things happen or the thinking changes and you end up living again. I'm hoping for something like that, myself. Typically this would be making a friend/partner or finding a great job or picking up a hobby, getting a pet etc. Hope you're able to live once again before dying, I think it's definitely possible and maybe even likely since it happens to a lot of people (not sure about the total numbers, but guessing that the majority of depressions end with resurrections, not sure).
I got a job and make friends and house-hunt and so on and so forth because I know I'm supposed to, I'm going through the motions, I look at my siblings and that's what they are doing, I'm just trying to keep up, so that if I ever do start living again, I wont be too far behind.
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#4
I got a job and make friends and house-hunt and so on and so forth because I know I'm supposed to, I'm going through the motions, I look at my siblings and that's what they are doing, I'm just trying to keep up, so that if I ever do start living again, I wont be too far behind.
Makes sense, wish I was that strong.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#5
Makes sense, wish I was that strong.
That's the thing, its not some terrible thing, its just waiting, and trying to pass the time, I just wish it felt like I was doing something for the sake of doing it rather than because I should or because it will make time go easier. I suppose being oh so aware of my expiring time on this planet is a kind of a burden, either because I don't have enough time or I have too much..
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#6
That's the thing, its not some terrible thing, its just waiting, and trying to pass the time, I just wish it felt like I was doing something for the sake of doing it rather than because I should or because it will make time go easier. I suppose being oh so aware of my expiring time on this planet is a kind of a burden, either because I don't have enough time or I have too much..
Lowered my stress levels by reading that. It makes things seem less stressful when you think of it as just choosing a way to pass the time rather than dividing your life up into categories that you either fail or pass.

Are there any things you do just because you enjoy doing them? Like making those cups of tea with the rating system and everything?
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#7
Lowered my stress levels by reading that. It makes things seem less stressful when you think of it as just choosing a way to pass the time rather than dividing your life up into categories that you either fail or pass.

Are there any things you do just because you enjoy doing them? Like making those cups of tea with the rating system and everything?
The tea rating system is just because I get really anal about it, I also categorised burgers into 5 types
Type 1: The BBQ Burger, (also from food trucks) basic bread and meat affair, nothing fancy
Type 2: The Takeaway Burger, 'nuff said
Type 3: The Gourmet Burger, the kind you order in a restaurant, great presentation, but kinda laboured as a single item, more like multiple parts held together by bread
Type 4: The Microwave Burger, looks like plastic, tastes like cardboard, a couple minutes in the microwave and done
Type 5: The Hipster Burger, basically any attempt to make a burger in a way that is an insult to the idea of a burger (for example squashed mincemeat filled with fancy cheese, topped with chutney and placed in pitta bread)
Within each category burgers can be compared to each other, but between categories you can really say which is "better" because they are too dissimilar to compare....
That being said, Type 1 is my favourite
but its just trying to make sense of out the chaos. I suppose I kinda enjoy computer games, eating good food, TV and film, and being deliberately immature and weird, but these are on the level of distractions rather than genuine pursuits, as for things I would find worth getting up in the morning for if I weren't already?... im drawing a blank on that.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$305.00
Goal
$255.00
Top