Back in 2010 I really started to fall apart with depression for the first time, killing myself was all I could think about, and for reasons I wont go into (the reasons aren't the point) I eventually decided that no matter what, I wouldn't kill myself, I took suicide off the table as an option. I have had ups and downs since then, and I have even had spans of time lasting months, even a year or more where I wasn't depressed, but through all that time, from the moment I decided not to kill myself, it doesn't feel like I chose life over killing myself, but rather chose to wait for death to come on its own. Ever since that time my life has been a holding pattern of simply waiting to die, every moment I can feel it slipping past, like a countdown, I'm quite sure there hasn't been a single day in the last 10 years where I haven't been aware of death coming 1 day closer, of me having 1 less day on this earth. When I'm OK I feel like I need to get a move on, and when I'm not OK, I just want the countdown to get a move-on, but I just don't feel like I'm living. There is just something missing. I'm going to reach my deathbed and not have lived a day since I was 20.