Recently I've been very tempted to overdose and silence my 16 years on this planet. I'd like people to rationally argue against my reasons why.
First off, my life is not hard in any way. I was born into a middle class family, who has suffered little economically, aside from a few lost jobs and a divorce. My family is very loving. I see almost all of my family atleast once a month, but am in constant contact with one of my brothers, and my very hard working mother. Again, my life is pretty damn lucky. I've never been severely bullied, and it's never bothered me that much otherwise. Recently I've been cutting myself to avoid thinking about suicide, but I've had no such success. I'm going to one of the top public schools in my state, and although failing my first year of freshman completely due to a growth in depression, my current grades are up to par, which is even better considering they are AP courses. With that said, the thought of me committing suicide does not bother me as it would most.
Now on my current knowledge of suicide, yes, it would devastate my entire family. To tell a little backstory, my two older brothers basically failed middle school and high school. To put it short, they weren't the happy ones, and I am. I've succeeded more than they have in school, and my parents generally regard me as the happy youngster. With that being said, it's probably the worst case scenario if I commit suicide for my family. I probably can't do a very well job of imagining how much pain it would cause them. This havoc I would cause my family, and friends, still wouldn't prevent me from committing suicide whatsoever. From what I've seen, the general response is "Think about how much it will hurt your family, your loved ones, everybody you know", "killing yourself won't solve anything, man up", "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem". The reasonings I've seen for not committing suicide in my eyes are idiotic. Having already addressed my family, the next two examples I see go together quite well. I'm not sure where the permanent saying came from but I think it might be one of the stupidest sayings to such a diverse issue I've ever read in my entire life. Sure, it could apply to what I'd consider shitty reasons to commit suicide (after typing this, I find it hilarious how easily I can judge people who've committed suicide - just another worthy factor of my intelligence), a.k.a. cheating girlfriend, losing a game, and any other thing pathetic - but if you seriously consider anything in life that won't ALWAYS be there, you're left with everything negative. Negativity will always be on this planet, it's permanent. This is probably because within my macro-oriented brain, in my opinion a single human is worth next to nothing in a massive scheme of things. The same scheme which I've been trying to fit my life into, and figure out, without success.
Essentially, I cannot grasp this universe, and how little we know. These sorts of thoughts first started when one day I realized that every single human being has the potential to think exactly like I do. This frightens me the most. Going out into massive crowds or cities has become nonexistent for me. Whenever I look at pictures of big cities or crowds, I break into a cold sweat - I see those places as playgrounds for the violent, ill humans that roam this world in many numbers. I guess I've become paranoid. Take your average Joe, driving his car on his way to buy coffee and then go to work. This sort of lifestyle reeks of danger in my eyes, and I can't comprehend why I'm the only person I've know that's like this. It baffles me how Joe can so easily walk through massive crowds of random, impulsive, spontaneous acting, naturally violent human beings. Whenever I'm out, I'm always deducting the possibilities of my inevitable, miniscule death. Maybe this husband of three got really angry today and he decides to shoot me. Maybe this 3-time charged dui alcoholic says fuck it and ends up running me over. Perhaps I'd be special enough to be bombed while running in a fucking marathon. But no, I'm not thinking outside the box enough; these are the general deaths that are caused in my home country, America. I'd be privileged to die a quick, painless death in a school shooting, rather that be born amongst the masses who have been massacred, tortured, raped, starved to death on the counterpart of this country. Again, it completely baffles me considering that this species who generally thinks sooo highly of themselves, a species in which we consider massive is only a spec of dust in this individual unexplainable single universe we live in.
To be frank, I'm tired of trying to figure all of this out. I'm tired of trying to figure out why I was born in the time period of technological transitions - the time period where people are actually figuring out that there really is no god, and I pity you if you still believe in that book. I'm still trying to figure out how people can go on with there day without recognizing the anguish and severe violence that other human beings - just like you - are going through this very second. I'm still trying to figure out what other life in this sole universe we live in is like. I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck a universe is, and how the fuck people are actually trying to explain it through our limited base knowledge-theories. I'm still trying to figure out how people will react if I kill myself. Pfft it's obvious, you'll ruin a portion of their life - they love you. Right?
I'm overwhelmed. This anthropological anxiety I've developed has invaded every single action I make. Things as simple as my room - filled to the brim with utter randomness which some other person has made across the entire globe. I can't comprehend this species and I'm beginning to grow sick of it. I'm growing tired of wondering about life, the universe, and anything we know or don't. I'm tired of it.
This was all in one take so excuse my typo/repetition. I would like to here anybody's honest opinion on my view of life and any solid reason as to what my life is worth. I feel an overdose will be in my near future.
First off, my life is not hard in any way. I was born into a middle class family, who has suffered little economically, aside from a few lost jobs and a divorce. My family is very loving. I see almost all of my family atleast once a month, but am in constant contact with one of my brothers, and my very hard working mother. Again, my life is pretty damn lucky. I've never been severely bullied, and it's never bothered me that much otherwise. Recently I've been cutting myself to avoid thinking about suicide, but I've had no such success. I'm going to one of the top public schools in my state, and although failing my first year of freshman completely due to a growth in depression, my current grades are up to par, which is even better considering they are AP courses. With that said, the thought of me committing suicide does not bother me as it would most.
Now on my current knowledge of suicide, yes, it would devastate my entire family. To tell a little backstory, my two older brothers basically failed middle school and high school. To put it short, they weren't the happy ones, and I am. I've succeeded more than they have in school, and my parents generally regard me as the happy youngster. With that being said, it's probably the worst case scenario if I commit suicide for my family. I probably can't do a very well job of imagining how much pain it would cause them. This havoc I would cause my family, and friends, still wouldn't prevent me from committing suicide whatsoever. From what I've seen, the general response is "Think about how much it will hurt your family, your loved ones, everybody you know", "killing yourself won't solve anything, man up", "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem". The reasonings I've seen for not committing suicide in my eyes are idiotic. Having already addressed my family, the next two examples I see go together quite well. I'm not sure where the permanent saying came from but I think it might be one of the stupidest sayings to such a diverse issue I've ever read in my entire life. Sure, it could apply to what I'd consider shitty reasons to commit suicide (after typing this, I find it hilarious how easily I can judge people who've committed suicide - just another worthy factor of my intelligence), a.k.a. cheating girlfriend, losing a game, and any other thing pathetic - but if you seriously consider anything in life that won't ALWAYS be there, you're left with everything negative. Negativity will always be on this planet, it's permanent. This is probably because within my macro-oriented brain, in my opinion a single human is worth next to nothing in a massive scheme of things. The same scheme which I've been trying to fit my life into, and figure out, without success.
Essentially, I cannot grasp this universe, and how little we know. These sorts of thoughts first started when one day I realized that every single human being has the potential to think exactly like I do. This frightens me the most. Going out into massive crowds or cities has become nonexistent for me. Whenever I look at pictures of big cities or crowds, I break into a cold sweat - I see those places as playgrounds for the violent, ill humans that roam this world in many numbers. I guess I've become paranoid. Take your average Joe, driving his car on his way to buy coffee and then go to work. This sort of lifestyle reeks of danger in my eyes, and I can't comprehend why I'm the only person I've know that's like this. It baffles me how Joe can so easily walk through massive crowds of random, impulsive, spontaneous acting, naturally violent human beings. Whenever I'm out, I'm always deducting the possibilities of my inevitable, miniscule death. Maybe this husband of three got really angry today and he decides to shoot me. Maybe this 3-time charged dui alcoholic says fuck it and ends up running me over. Perhaps I'd be special enough to be bombed while running in a fucking marathon. But no, I'm not thinking outside the box enough; these are the general deaths that are caused in my home country, America. I'd be privileged to die a quick, painless death in a school shooting, rather that be born amongst the masses who have been massacred, tortured, raped, starved to death on the counterpart of this country. Again, it completely baffles me considering that this species who generally thinks sooo highly of themselves, a species in which we consider massive is only a spec of dust in this individual unexplainable single universe we live in.
To be frank, I'm tired of trying to figure all of this out. I'm tired of trying to figure out why I was born in the time period of technological transitions - the time period where people are actually figuring out that there really is no god, and I pity you if you still believe in that book. I'm still trying to figure out how people can go on with there day without recognizing the anguish and severe violence that other human beings - just like you - are going through this very second. I'm still trying to figure out what other life in this sole universe we live in is like. I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck a universe is, and how the fuck people are actually trying to explain it through our limited base knowledge-theories. I'm still trying to figure out how people will react if I kill myself. Pfft it's obvious, you'll ruin a portion of their life - they love you. Right?
I'm overwhelmed. This anthropological anxiety I've developed has invaded every single action I make. Things as simple as my room - filled to the brim with utter randomness which some other person has made across the entire globe. I can't comprehend this species and I'm beginning to grow sick of it. I'm growing tired of wondering about life, the universe, and anything we know or don't. I'm tired of it.
This was all in one take so excuse my typo/repetition. I would like to here anybody's honest opinion on my view of life and any solid reason as to what my life is worth. I feel an overdose will be in my near future.
