please talk with me

[dying_inside]

Today i woke up at 4. i have written my story here:
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/a-k-1982-my-story.176406/

for whoever feels like reading...

 

[Paul1963]

YOYO brain, thats the perfect definition. i experience it a lot. thats why they gave me mood stabilizers but its not my mood to change, its my mindset, even if then it manifests itself with different feelings and emotions.



i think depersonalization and derealization have a lot to do with trauma, active trauma. for me it was during some crisis moments and when i was anorexic. sometimes it happens even now but it doesnt last long. for me its like not being able to believe i am me or that this is the true reality. its a mind trick.

meds work only up to a point. they have limits. some situations or some internal ways of living are too strong even for meds. i think its the case of chronic trauma that we are probably all living here.

sometimes i think of you during the day too and i too wonder how you're coping. i either walk back and forth to soothe myself or lie down in bed hoping to relax a bit or stay on the computer. usually i work in the mornings, but this week i had it off. i used to SH a lot but i've seen it brings only temporary relief and i prefer suffering emotionally than physically now.


i am pretty numb now. im tired and hopefully the day will soon be over.

HUGS to everyone

I'm really glad that you don't self-harm anymore, and am so sorry that you had those experiences with SH and anorexia. I self harmed only once in my life, it was when I was younger. A girl broke my heart and I got really drunk and ended up burning my arm with cigarettes. I don't drink or smoke anymore so I definitely won't be doing that again. Did you sleep ok last night ? I hope you did. I hope you didn't suffer too badly from "racetrack mind " as I call it. Where your thoughts are going round and round, making a lot of noise, one thought trying to win over the other. I hope you are feeling a little better today, even a little can help us through the day. 🤗

 

[dying_inside]

I'm really glad that you don't self-harm anymore, and am so sorry that you had those experiences with SH and anorexia. I self harmed only once in my life, it was when I was younger. A girl broke my heart and I got really drunk and ended up burning my arm with cigarettes. I don't drink or smoke anymore so I definitely won't be doing that again. Did you sleep ok last night ? I hope you did. I hope you didn't suffer too badly from "racetrack mind " as I call it. Where your thoughts are going round and round, making a lot of noise, one thought trying to win over the other. I hope you are feeling a little better today, even a little can help us through the day. 🤗

Im glad you dont drink or smoke anymore.
i take sleeping pills still just to get me sleep 4-5 hours a night, so i dont usually suffer much from "racetrack mind" but i sleep very little.
i rather experience it during the day when i have nothing distracting me.
I am feeling a little better for the moment. writing down my story helped me a bit.
how did you sleep? how are you feeling today?

THANK YOU for always being around.

 

[Paul1963]

Im glad you dont drink or smoke anymore.
i take sleeping pills still just to get me sleep 4-5 hours a night, so i dont usually suffer much from "racetrack mind" but i sleep very little.
i rather experience it during the day when i have nothing distracting me.
I am feeling a little better for the moment. writing down my story helped me a bit.
how did you sleep? how are you feeling today?

THANK YOU for always being around.

Slept well for a change, but feeling very tired. I don't know why.

 

[dying_inside]

Sharing my story helped me so much today.
Im also watching a movie that talks about afterlife.
im wondering today if i should stay a little longer than planned and give up only if things do get worse... not before they do. just because im scared and i want to avoid them....
maybe its a sign i feel a little better today.
in truth though i hope things will get worse and i'll be free and in peace.

 

[Paul1963]

Sharing my story helped me so much today.
Im also watching a movie that talks about afterlife.
im wondering today if i should stay a little longer than planned and give up only if things do get worse... not before they do. just because im scared and i want to avoid them....
maybe its a sign i feel a little better today.
in truth though i hope things will get worse and i'll be free and in peace.

I'm leaving the forum. I think it

Sharing my story helped me so much today.
Im also watching a movie that talks about afterlife.
im wondering today if i should stay a little longer than planned and give up only if things do get worse... not before they do. just because im scared and i want to avoid them....
maybe its a sign i feel a little better today.
in truth though i hope things will get worse and i'll be free and in peace.

I'm so sorry that things went wrong for you. Illness destroys everything. You are obviously very gifted, and very intelligent also. Your life could have been so much different, maybe an Olympic swimmer, or great therapist. Life is just so cruel and unfair. Especially when it happens to someone like you, a wonderful person.

I too want to avoid things. I rarely ever think of the future, but today I been thinking about it, and it was a mistake to do so.
I'm tired of things going consistently wrong. I have always been a fighter, and have battled through some dreadful things.
But now I realize that I have been strong for far too long. Today has been a strange day. I am feeling very emotionally exposed. For a long time now I have hardened my heart, to stop myself from feeling too much.
Maybe it's because I am opening up to people on this forum, because I don't talk about it in real life.
I don't know, maybe being here is a bad thing. Maybe I shouldn't be here because I feel other people's pain too much. Somebody once said that I am an empath. I feel too much.
Today is a bad day, a weird day. My nerves feel raw, and I am tearful. I am thinking of catching the bus again.

 

[dying_inside]

Please Paul, dont leave the forum and dont catch the bus.

What you shared today must have shaken you up, its very normal you feel raw, tearful and triggered but it will pass, i promise.

PLEASE DONT LEAVE... i dont have other words. im sorry if its my fault.

i appreciate you, care about you and love you. i would miss you too much. PLEASE STAY. TAKE A BREAK BUT STAY.

HUGS

 

[dying_inside]

...so im losing another friend and its all my fault again.

 

[Paul1963]

Please Paul, dont leave the forum and dont catch the bus.

What you shared today must have shaken you up, its very normal you feel raw, tearful and triggered but it will pass, i promise.

PLEASE DONT LEAVE... i dont have other words. im sorry if its my fault.

i appreciate you, care about you and love you. i would miss you too much. PLEASE STAY. TAKE A BREAK BUT STAY.

HUGS

None of this is your fault. How can it possibly be your fault ? What have you done to make any of it your fault ?

I think you are right, and I have been triggered. I've not felt this way for a very long time. It's like I'm in some state of shock. I feel knocked off balance.
I took another walk before. I'm in a very quiet place, there is an abandoned railway line nearby. One of the bridges is very high up. I began to think about leaving. I began to cry, sobbing uncontrollably. I have not done that for many years.
I began to think of you. I don't know why I keep thinking of you. Why do I feel connected to you ? I'm not a weirdo, obsessive person or anything like that. But I feel close to you. Is there something wrong with me to think like that ? Why do I care so much about you ? I have never experienced anything like this before
After having a good cry, I felt a great sense of relief, but I am now exhausted. Today is a really strange day. I survived another day of being close to ending it, but my head is all over the place.
I'm going to lie down now, I feel very tired. I don't feel too good at all.

 

[iloverachel]

None of this is your fault. How can it possibly be your fault ? What have you done to make any of it your fault ?

I think you are right, and I have been triggered. I've not felt this way for a very long time. It's like I'm in some state of shock. I feel knocked off balance.
I took another walk before. I'm in a very quiet place, there is an abandoned railway line nearby. One of the bridges is very high up. I began to think about leaving. I began to cry, sobbing uncontrollably. I have not done that for many years.
I began to think of you. I don't know why I keep thinking of you. Why do I feel connected to you ? I'm not a weirdo, obsessive person or anything like that. But I feel close to you. Is there something wrong with me to think like that ? Why do I care so much about you ? I have never experienced anything like this before
After having a good cry, I felt a great sense of relief, but I am now exhausted. Today is a really strange day. I survived another day of being close to ending it, but my head is all over the place.
I'm going to lie down now, I feel very tired. I don't feel too good at all.

I am sorry you guys are hurting so much.

Please stay on these forums Paul, we love to talk with you!

 

[dying_inside]

None of this is your fault. How can it possibly be your fault ? What have you done to make any of it your fault ?

I think you are right, and I have been triggered. I've not felt this way for a very long time. It's like I'm in some state of shock. I feel knocked off balance.
I took another walk before. I'm in a very quiet place, there is an abandoned railway line nearby. One of the bridges is very high up. I began to think about leaving. I began to cry, sobbing uncontrollably. I have not done that for many years.
I began to think of you. I don't know why I keep thinking of you. Why do I feel connected to you ? I'm not a weirdo, obsessive person or anything like that. But I feel close to you. Is there something wrong with me to think like that ? Why do I care so much about you ? I have never experienced anything like this before
After having a good cry, I felt a great sense of relief, but I am now exhausted. Today is a really strange day. I survived another day of being close to ending it, but my head is all over the place.
I'm going to lie down now, I feel very tired. I don't feel too good at all.

Oh my God Paul, im so relieved to see your post here, its bad to hear you're so much in a state of shock, but im so happy to hear you are alive. Crying is good, its cleansing. its tiring but good. i was feeling so guilty for triggering you. im so sorry.
i keep thinking of you too, i feel close to you too and i dont think theres nothing wrong with it, we just understand each other, get each other.
Please rest, take your time, takecare of yourself. but dont leave.
i'll be waiting for one of your posts, today, tomorrow, whenever you want but please stay.
I too care so much about you.
Im hugging you. please stay safe.

 

[Paul1963]

I am sorry you guys are hurting so much.

Please stay on these forums Paul, we love to talk with you![/QUOT

I am sorry you guys are hurting so much.

Please stay on these forums Paul, we love to talk with you!

Really sorry my friend. I think I got rid of some trauma or something. Felt really emotional and anxious. Not felt anything like that for a long time. It really knocked me off balance. I know you are struggling with a lot of your own problems, so it's really nice of you to care. You are one of the good people in this world. Not many good people around these days. I hope your day has been ok. Take care my friend.

 

[Paul1963]

Oh my God Paul, im so relieved to see your post here, its bad to hear you're so much in a state of shock, but im so happy to hear you are alive. Crying is good, its cleansing. its tiring but good. i was feeling so guilty for triggering you. im so sorry.
i keep thinking of you too, i feel close to you too and i dont think theres nothing wrong with it, we just understand each other, get each other.
Please rest, take your time, takecare of yourself. but dont leave.
i'll be waiting for one of your posts, today, tomorrow, whenever you want but please stay.
I too care so much about you.
Im hugging you. please stay safe.

You didn't trigger me, or at least I don't think you did. But even if you did, I wouldn't think any less of you, not in the slightest.
I think I got rid of some deep rooted emotional baggage about past trauma. It made me feel very emotional and anxious. Plus I did get upset reading your story, but you are not to blame for making me feel the way that I felt.

I'm so sorry if I upset you in any way with my drama. I know I am a soft hearted fool, but I am what I am. I hope you are getting through the day ok, and wish you well. 🤗

 

[dying_inside]

You didn't trigger me, or at least I don't think you did. But even if you did, I wouldn't think any less of you, not in the slightest.
I think I got rid of some deep rooted emotional baggage about past trauma. It made me feel very emotional and anxious. Plus I did get upset reading your story, but you are not to blame for making me feel the way that I felt.

I'm so sorry if I upset you in any way with my drama. I know I am a soft hearted fool, but I am what I am. I hope you are getting through the day ok, and wish you well. 🤗

Thank you Paul for letting us know what happened, im glad it ended well, i was very scared.
as i said i care a lot about you, i hope you have an easier evening and a good night of sleep.
i have seen your other posts, please forgive me for not answering, i try to stay in my bubble. im scared of intervening in other people posts. but i care.
now im probably going to rest its been a rough day.
takecare, hugs

 

[Silence87]

You do not know me, and perhaps I am intruding, but I have read through the thread and I would like to say how much I admire you both. I am glad you are both still here and I would like to get to know you. You have helped me more than you know. Thank you.

 

[KM76710]

@dying_inside

I hope you always find it in yourself and with us to keep returning where you know people care and will be here for you.

 

[nicktheundoer]

You didn't trigger me, or at least I don't think you did. But even if you did, I wouldn't think any less of you, not in the slightest.
I think I got rid of some deep rooted emotional baggage about past trauma. It made me feel very emotional and anxious. Plus I did get upset reading your story, but you are not to blame for making me feel the way that I felt.

I'm so sorry if I upset you in any way with my drama. I know I am a soft hearted fool, but I am what I am. I hope you are getting through the day ok, and wish you well. 🤗

It's nice that you could free yourself from some of the trauma..hugs...... you'll be okay..

 

[Paul1963]

You do not know me, and perhaps I am intruding, but I have read through the thread and I would like to say how much I admire you both. I am glad you are both still here and I would like to get to know you. You have helped me more than you know. Thank you.

Thank you. You are not intruding my friend. Not in the slightest. I am glad you are here, we can talk anytime, about anything, that is what we are all here for. There are some really good people on this forum, you also sound like a good person too. I am glad that we have been of some help to you. That's really nice.

 

[Paul1963]

Thank you Paul for letting us know what happened, im glad it ended well, i was very scared.
as i said i care a lot about you, i hope you have an easier evening and a good night of sleep.
i have seen your other posts, please forgive me for not answering, i try to stay in my bubble. im scared of intervening in other people posts. but i care.
now im probably going to rest its been a rough day.
takecare, hugs

I'm more than sorry that I scared you. I was acting impulsively yesterday, my emotions running away with themselves. I know what you mean about staying in your bubble. I tend to do this also, mainly because I am frightened of saying the wrong things.
I had what I call a " coma sleep " last night. I think this was through to exhaustion. I hope that you slept well too, and that your day isn't filled with too much turmoil. 🤗

 

[Paul1963]

It's nice that you could free yourself from some of the trauma..hugs...... you'll be okay..

Thank you.