I am in a similar boat. I made some mistakes I am none too proud of that are bearing fruit now. So I'm actually glad I am a different person now, but I wish I could go back in time and change those regrettable decisions.
That said, I get it. Based on some of your past postings, I see a huge amount of pain and regret. It is only reasonable to wish to be the person you were before all the wreckage. I had a thought, but I hesitate to share it because I don't want to exacerbate your suffering. If taken the wrong way, it might sound happy-sappy delusions of optimism and/or minimize the significance of what you are going through. So... hugs?