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Praising myself

Auri

🎸🎼Metal Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#1
Hey everyone :) Hopefully I won't delete this thread before posting it. I suppose it's part of my problem with talking about myself in general, but one thing I struggle with in particular is... uhm... praising myself. Urgh. Talking about accomplishments, about positive results, about things I'm good at, about my qualities. I wish I could go my entire life without ever mentioning any of those. It would be very beneficial for me, but some of these "secrets" I will actually take to my grave with me, while they are things that people tell about all the time, especially to family and friends.

Praising myself makes me feel very uncomfortable, it makes me feel like I'm making the other person uncomfortable or bad about themselves (no matter who they are), and I feel the urge to justify myself, to diminish the importance of said "accomplishment". "Yeah, I did this... but...", "Yeah, I'm decent at this... but...", "I know it sounds great, but actually...". After I've convinced the other person that there's really nothing to be impressed by (and I do believe that), my strategy is to turn the conversation onto the other person, to praise them, to compliment them. Finally relieved.

In situations where I can't do that (like the worst of the worst... an interview), I only try to state neutral facts, but it is very obvious I don't believe in what I say, and that I'd like to move on as quickly as possible and stop talking about myself as if I were greater than anyone else. My voice does the job for me, I am incapable of sounding more confident than I actually feel, otherwise I get way too nervous for "lying". So once I said the bare minimum, I shut up.

Of course the core of the issue is a poor self-esteem, an Impostor Syndrome, and this perfectionism bullsh*t. I don't think I need to hear other people praise/compliment me, it happens more than enough and it doesn't make me believe in it much more. Actually it makes me feel uncomfortable too because I don't feel like it's justified, even if I try to shut up about it.

I am absolutely amazed by people able to talk about themselves in a positive light, I think it's wonderful and impressive.

If you have any thoughts, or advice, or you relate... *hug

This thread sounds wrong. Please do not think that I have so many "accomplishments" to talk about anyway. :D
 

Harrow

Well-Known Member
#2
Work interviews are the worst. 😩

I was going through a meltdown recently and you went out of your way to say I can talk to you and that you care.

Not everyone in life does that for another person. Especially someone they do not know.

It's something that really moved me and it helped me get out of a situation I honestly thought was impossible.

And when your moved by an action so much all you want to do is praise the person and say thank you and honestly it feels amazing and special to me someone would care so much ❤️

And that's all praise is. Someone saying hey I want you in my life or you've motivated me or I'm just blown away because you do something that I think is cool.

You yourself may not think those things about yourself and that's okay but to be praised sometimes is to have an impact on someone.
And that's what life is about making impacts in other people's lives as they make impacts in yours and sometimes you just got to tell them.

Any case that's what praise is to me.

You just need to have faith that if someone says something they say it for a reason. And you deserve that.
Which takes practice I think.

Let people know you let them be happy to know you and go with the flow.

Remember to be human is to be praised and that goes with making mistakes too.

(((hug)))
 

Auri

🎸🎼Metal Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
Work interviews are the worst. 😩

I was going through a meltdown recently and you went out of your way to say I can talk to you and that you care.

Not everyone in life does that for another person. Especially someone they do not know.

It's something that really moved me and it helped me get out of a situation I honestly thought was impossible.

And when your moved by an action so much all you want to do is praise the person and say thank you and honestly it feels amazing and special to me someone would care so much ❤️

And that's all praise is. Someone saying hey I want you in my life or you've motivated me or I'm just blown away because you do something that I think is cool.

You yourself may not think those things about yourself and that's okay but to be praised sometimes is to have an impact on someone.
And that's what life is about making impacts in other people's lives as they make impacts in yours and sometimes you just got to tell them.

Any case that's what praise is to me.

You just need to have faith that if someone says something they say it for a reason. And you deserve that.
Which takes practice I think.

Let people know you let them be happy to know you and go with the flow.

Remember to be human is to be praised and that goes with making mistakes too.

(((hug)))
*scared

Thanks for making people believe that I did something incredible when all I did was like talk to you for 10 minutes. :D But anyways... I'm glad my words helped so much, I'm happy to hear that you're feeling better, and that you think all those things about me. Thank you, I'm really really grateful, and I don't know how to show it better than by saying this.

Now the point of this thread was not to praise me, eh, sneaky. :D I know what you did there.
 

Auri

🎸🎼Metal Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#4
Also, I do believe that most people say things for a reason - or rather, that they genuinely think what they say, that's not the problem. The problem is I don't believe in it myself, and it's incredibly hard for me to force myself to look like I do.
 

Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
SF Pro
#5
Hey everyone :) Hopefully I won't delete this thread before posting it. I suppose it's part of my problem with talking about myself in general, but one thing I struggle with in particular is... uhm... praising myself. Urgh. Talking about accomplishments, about positive results, about things I'm good at, about my qualities. I wish I could go my entire life without ever mentioning any of those. It would be very beneficial for me, but some of these "secrets" I will actually take to my grave with me, while they are things that people tell about all the time, especially to family and friends.

Praising myself makes me feel very uncomfortable, it makes me feel like I'm making the other person uncomfortable or bad about themselves (no matter who they are), and I feel the urge to justify myself, to diminish the importance of said "accomplishment". "Yeah, I did this... but...", "Yeah, I'm decent at this... but...", "I know it sounds great, but actually...". After I've convinced the other person that there's really nothing to be impressed by (and I do believe that), my strategy is to turn the conversation onto the other person, to praise them, to compliment them. Finally relieved.

In situations where I can't do that (like the worst of the worst... an interview), I only try to state neutral facts, but it is very obvious I don't believe in what I say, and that I'd like to move on as quickly as possible and stop talking about myself as if I were greater than anyone else. My voice does the job for me, I am incapable of sounding more confident than I actually feel, otherwise I get way too nervous for "lying". So once I said the bare minimum, I shut up.

Of course the core of the issue is a poor self-esteem, an Impostor Syndrome, and this perfectionism bullsh*t. I don't think I need to hear other people praise/compliment me, it happens more than enough and it doesn't make me believe in it much more. Actually it makes me feel uncomfortable too because I don't feel like it's justified, even if I try to shut up about it.

I am absolutely amazed by people able to talk about themselves in a positive light, I think it's wonderful and impressive.

If you have any thoughts, or advice, or you relate... *hug

This thread sounds wrong. Please do not think that I have so many "accomplishments" to talk about anyway. :D
Hey auri, I completely get where you’re coming from! I think this as well. I think though it’s more common than we think. Obviously there’s people out there that are very very good at talking about themselves and not giving too poops about how it makes the person they’re talking to feel. My mind works like yours. There always a But involved because I don’t also wish to make the other person feel crappy, coz hell, I feel crappy when others are rubbing it in my face that they’re doing well or have done this and done that...

interviews are the worst. I cannot stand interviews, probably because I don’t actually have that much to “brag” about in the sense of achievements but hey ho x
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#6
I wonder, what do you think. . . might help with this, "Problem~?" As you state it, quite clearly--& rather succinctly. It looks like you've got it diagnosed your self rather remarkably well, in fact. Now the question that pops into mind (assuming you'd care for it to be changed?), is, how do you improve upon this? As you say, it is coming from very deeply-rooted & seeded, or ingrained beliefs about your-self. In other words, we're not talking things that are easy to change one's mind on - such as attitudes or beliefs (relatively speaking). Is it therapy? This seems to be quite the learned behavior (if not something deeper).

I posted a link yesterday, I think it was in the game room somewhere (but I'm not exactly sure). And anyway it doesn't have exactly to do with this per se, but if you're not overly familiar with the book/or work "7 Habits of Highly Effective People," (by Covey) it is sort of broken down & summarized with a bit of interpretation as to why it is one of his more important & favorite books he's read in his life. Although he is a MMA (mixed martial arts)/UFC head coach-trainer by trade, he has a degree in philosophy. And so I found this on his Youtube channel. Even though I believe i'd read it before some time ago - like half a lifetime ago, likely. What I remember most (likely) / (doing) . . . was picking it up off my Mother's bookshelf, on occasion, thumbing through it whilst standing there for an hour or two; who knows? ...maybe more! But basically tossing it back on the shelf & going, "Ack! :) Hogwash~. . :D"

Anyway, needless to say - to/or yesterday, I found it to be (his brief synopsis, or summary- with interpretive spin) quite rather revalotory (sp?). ;)

Don't know if you'd derive anything of it, or not? But I very much like the way it was 'presented.' He's a good "thinker!" : )

I guess it boils down to how do we get you to start to believe in yourself just a little bit more? As a scientist at heart,, or mind... I should/would think you would be interested in objective truth (if that's a term?). So, you may wish to skew the data/results not in your favor (when most would likely do the opposite, directionally-speaking. . ). Though to miminmize your successes, that are factually based and rooted in truth is to present an untruthful vision, or portray as to just who Auri is? No? If you were an Employer (or anybody talking to you that got this same sort of, "spin" or sensationalism of sorts), would you not be miffed? Or annoyed that they were in essence, "underselling themselves." Most people, as I said, will overemphasis their good or positive qualities or traits, and (then) minimize the/ir negative (ones). Maybe you need to overdo in the opposite or other direction, with the hope of this ultimately evening itself out, or balancing the equation, just a bit more accurately shall we say? So that the Universe, and world itself, can be one in agreement with Miss Auri- that is to say, "right" or "correct.' when it comes to, or in terms of "assessment & evaluation," of One's . . .
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#7
Sorry, meant to say "values," instead or place of "beliefs," the second time around there... after ---, now I can't find it! It's (or it is) easier to change things like attitudes & values, in muy opinion... than 'beliefs!' :^)
 

Auri

🎸🎼Metal Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
I wonder, what do you think. . . might help with this, "Problem~?" As you state it, quite clearly--& rather succinctly. It looks like you've got it diagnosed your self rather remarkably well, in fact. Now the question that pops into mind (assuming you'd care for it to be changed?), is, how do you improve upon this? As you say, it is coming from very deeply-rooted & seeded, or ingrained beliefs about your-self. In other words, we're not talking things that are easy to change one's mind on - such as attitudes or beliefs (relatively speaking). Is it therapy? This seems to be quite the learned behavior (if not something deeper).
Well I don't know what would help... Sure, some kind of therapy perhaps, but from my experience with it, it doesn't help at all, as it's exactly the place where I CAN express all those beliefs in a very rational way and make the therapist understand my point of view (and ultimately agree, lol). I still cannot praise myself there, not the way that is expected of me in some situations, like interviews.

I guess it boils down to how do we get you to start to believe in yourself just a little bit more? As a scientist at heart,, or mind... I should/would think you would be interested in objective truth (if that's a term?). So, you may wish to skew the data/results not in your favor (when most would likely do the opposite, directionally-speaking. . ). Though to miminmize your successes, that are factually based and rooted in truth is to present an untruthful vision, or portray as to just who Auri is?
Well I think me being very "scientific" in my way of thinking is the reason I overthink like that. To me the objective truth is more complicated than "I accomplished this". The "but" following this statement is objectively true to me, I'm not really minimizing accomplishments, just explaining the whole truth. :D

Thank you for your message :)
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#9
I know exactly what you mean. I was trying to convince someone in a thread here that he needs to care about himself BECAUSE he believes others don't and I launched into a time I cared because no one else did and I explained the situation, reasoning and outcome, how caring had averted potential tragedy and then I read it and it sounded like I was some larger-than-life egomaniac finding any excuse to tell anyone who would listen about the time I punched Hitler in the face or some such BS, so I ended up deleting the whole response and half-arsing a "well, I did something along the same lines and it was important so you should too" without any specifics.

Unlike you I CAN force myself if necessary on the smaller stuff, like in interviews, but I still hold back a bit. The funny thing is I also crave recognition, so I end up openly bragging about things that really don't deserve recognition and hiding or downplaying anything that might. I have done for others and never let them know what I did, just let them think it randomly turned out that way, because facing them and receiving gratitude for it would feel cheap like the guy who demands praise from his boss for doing his bloody job, but I will happily demand recognition from others for the time I managed to hip-fire headshot a monster in the game Killing Floor on purpose from across the map, and I imagine you also noticed how specific the cheap demand from praise was and how vague the supposedly praiseworthy thing I did was, I had a specific event in mind, but it just felt so dishonest and petty to mention it. If I ever do get caught doing something supposedly praiseworthy and receive genuine gratitude or praise I cant even respond to it, I just stand there and not say anything.

The annoying this is I know exactly why I am like this, and there is nothing I can do about it. Sometimes not knowing means there is still hope that the answer will magically fix you, but alas, that is not meant for me :P

...Now the point of this thread was not to praise me, eh, sneaky. :D I know what you did there.
Good idea @Harrow perhaps we could subtly shift the topic of this thread and covertly give her he praise she deserves. Muahaha!
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#10
I know it's not the point of this thread but you deserve to be soooo proud of your achievements. You speak, read and write in multiple languages. You're brave. You help people - you may think talking to people for ten minutes is no big deal but it is for them. Most people can't get away quick enough when someone reaches out to them but you made a difference. You make a difference to a lot of people.

Self praise is a tricky one. It's something that I imagine a lot of people here struggle with. It's hard to believe in ourselves. But it doesn't have to be this way, we can boost our self esteem and learn to appreciate the good things that we're capable of. It's not easy and it's certainly not quick but it is possible with the right people to help. Three years of weekly therapy and I'm just starting to believe it.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#12
I am always bad at things like interviews because I don't open up with others very well and say the least possible. It can be hard to speak about yourself at times and that is a feeling I understand especially when on the spot and in the hot seat where you have to make snap decisions on what to tell.
 
#14
I think you need to find some way outside of yourself, to look at yourself as a neutral observer. I dunno, shit, I mean the answer is super obvious: get more self-esteem. But I have no idea how one goes about that when being objectively better than most people doesn’t do it for you.
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#15
I think you need to find some way outside of yourself, to look at yourself as a neutral observer. I dunno, shit, I mean the answer is super obvious: get more self-esteem. But I have no idea how one goes about that when being objectively better than most people doesn’t do it for you.
Self-esteem comes from combining the following:
A) Being awesome
B) Having confidence
C) Receiving Praise
At the moment I believe Auri is lacking B) Confidence, and the only way to build that is practice (Do things your not confident about until you are NOT not confident about them)
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#16
Sometimes I think it's culturally ingrained too. Like, when I was a kid I remember the word "conceited" was very popular and if you said anything about yourself that was positive, some kid would call you conceited.

So, the pressure exists on the inside and in the outside world as well. It's a balancing act. I give public talks sometimes for a living, and OMG, I cry the entire next day, thinking I sounded so stupid. Even when I get positive feedback. One time, someone gave me constructive criticism and I cried for two days... and it was actually not that negative, it was just someone trying to help me in an area they felt needed work.

I also envy people who can talk about themselves in a positive way. There's a fine line, where it could become bragging, but most people who like themselves and it shows... that's amazing.

I guess the best we can do is to lean on friends who can help us reframe our thoughts (I have two friends who do that for me very well), and to try to police the negativity in our heads. It's very difficult. I'm sure you are a great person though. You are a good writer and excellent at expressing yourself.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#17
I think that, in the case of something like a job interview, for instance... it is important to realize that everyone is "selling-themselves," to a certain extent. And may not necessarily be telling 100% of the truth (even from within the confines of their own minds!). ;) Again, I'm reminded of countless examples of situations where I've heard it relayed, either by children or other close family / relatives of famous (& established) actors in Hollywood. On what their best advice was when going in for an audition: "Lie!" ;D now, I know that this is a terrible example when it comes to fair comparisons, or perfect analogies. However, to over accentuate, or emphasize the point, I think - to me (anyway) helps to stress what it is I am trying to say. It's not like everyone else isn't equally in the same game, or running that particular race --in this context (interview), or setting. :)

It's like, if there was something that had been beaten into me growing up, by environment. And has had many, many great years to "settle," inside my head--to the point where it is not woven into the fabric of my DNA - (seemingly/or "so-it-seems!")_ / then it only stands to reason, that it will take a heckuva a lot of 'undoing,' of said conditioning, or whatever else you want to call it, in order to reverse course. And even begin to start going in the other direction. Despite all contrary evidence (outside of my own internal world) pointing, or suggesting otherwise - like your "friends," you reference, or mention... (just) for instance! ;)

There is something very concrete & exceptionally exemplary that I am thinking about typifying or what_have_you, that could give you a clue (that is to say: having to do with me, & my life!) as to illustrating, I think... exactly what it is you're currently facing & struggling with. In other words, were I to tell you what it is. . . You'd likely go, "Oh?!" ..."E-uREkA.!" ;D . . & all while, meanwhile; I sit here & stand/or stare: becasue I am now in the exact same very well identifying position taht you are finding your self in. :D That being: I have absolute Zero understanding, knowledge or know how, of just exactly how to enact or put into practice/good use, what it is that you are suggesting in your "oversimplified," manner & approach when it comes to a solution. : )

Why? Because you (or I - if the situation is 'reversed!') have not had to go through all the traumatisms & etc. that I have in order to arrive at said state of stalement & impasse. Rendering (thereby) me (or you) at times, close to catatonic in state (when it comes to changing much of anyting at all~)! ;) I had something much better to say here; or course, it has 'escaped me. . ;)' It takes more than objective measures (& other standards of "proof!"), when dealing with the subjective that is made up of whatever is going on upstairs, and in our own 'heads!'

If it is rooted in psychology, or psychiatry. . . & you can laugh/scoff etc at that all you want (in terms of how, "gray/grey!") a science it is, in comparison w/the others - that are more hard, or "pure" (I dunno, I've lost the word but you know what I am talking about if you are still mercifully suffering through this, dare I say, reading?). When it comes to the mind, or the brain, it is a very powerful thing. Even if it is sometimes difficult, or hard to quantify in this specific instance, or case. What can not be argued, it is my feeling or belief, is how the actions/or behaviors - as well as attitudes & beliefs. . . can all be greatly influenced not only by its health, but also it's state - or condition. Now I am through as I am realizing that I am FAILING to articulate any or at all near what it is that I am meaning to say, or convey! :D
 

alixer

We are all one
SF Supporter
#18
Hey everyone :) Hopefully I won't delete this thread before posting it. I suppose it's part of my problem with talking about myself in general, but one thing I struggle with in particular is... uhm... praising myself. Urgh. Talking about accomplishments, about positive results, about things I'm good at, about my qualities. I wish I could go my entire life without ever mentioning any of those. It would be very beneficial for me, but some of these "secrets" I will actually take to my grave with me, while they are things that people tell about all the time, especially to family and friends.

Praising myself makes me feel very uncomfortable, it makes me feel like I'm making the other person uncomfortable or bad about themselves (no matter who they are), and I feel the urge to justify myself, to diminish the importance of said "accomplishment". "Yeah, I did this... but...", "Yeah, I'm decent at this... but...", "I know it sounds great, but actually...". After I've convinced the other person that there's really nothing to be impressed by (and I do believe that), my strategy is to turn the conversation onto the other person, to praise them, to compliment them. Finally relieved.

In situations where I can't do that (like the worst of the worst... an interview), I only try to state neutral facts, but it is very obvious I don't believe in what I say, and that I'd like to move on as quickly as possible and stop talking about myself as if I were greater than anyone else. My voice does the job for me, I am incapable of sounding more confident than I actually feel, otherwise I get way too nervous for "lying". So once I said the bare minimum, I shut up.

Of course the core of the issue is a poor self-esteem, an Impostor Syndrome, and this perfectionism bullsh*t. I don't think I need to hear other people praise/compliment me, it happens more than enough and it doesn't make me believe in it much more. Actually it makes me feel uncomfortable too because I don't feel like it's justified, even if I try to shut up about it.

I am absolutely amazed by people able to talk about themselves in a positive light, I think it's wonderful and impressive.

If you have any thoughts, or advice, or you relate... *hug

This thread sounds wrong. Please do not think that I have so many "accomplishments" to talk about anyway. :D
There’s no easy fix to this, but start by accepting people’s compliments as the truth. Don’t question them. It’s actually, if you think about it, rude to dismiss someone’s praise because you are calling them disingenuous.

So, when you need to speak well of yourself, like in a job interview, say, People describe me as ....
 

JMG

~ Crazy Cat Lady ~
#19
It’s actually, if you think about it, rude to dismiss someone’s praise because you are calling them disingenuous.
I think everyone here gave excellent advice and lots of very important things to think of, but this one is my personal favorite because - yes! This is so exactly right! It is very important, when someone takes the time to give a compliment, to show that you accept it and are grateful for it. Before anything else.

I used to not be very good at that at all, but eventually I realized the extreme importance of it. Now whenever someone gives me a compliment, I make a point of always thanking them before saying anything about anything else. When people do good things in general, regardless of age, I don't believe that we change much from when we are kids when it comes to that. We want others to reflect back to us that we've helped them feel better about themself in some way. So when people give praise, it is absolutely about recognizing you and what they think is good about you, but it is also equally about them wanting to be acknowledged for doing a "good deed" so to speak.

I know there's some out there who'd deny that to the bitter end, claiming they do it "completely selflessly" and I used to tell myself that bs story too lol but now I know better. I think this is ultimately what that part of the interview process is about as well. When you show people how you speak about yourself and your abilities, you are telling them "these are the things I appreciate in life, that I value and that I think matter". It isn't ultimately about "bragging" at all. I don't think it really does any good to think of it in such a way.

As MBG very wisely ( ;) ) pointed out, it is a way of "selling yourself" and saying "if I work here, these are the things I will have my attention and focus on while doing the job". When people are able to say positive things about themself and that they are able to acknowledge such things, then that really says a lot to the people who are hiring. It says "this person has good values, and is able to recognize how to do things in a healthy and at least fairly efficient way". It also has a completely non-professional related element to it as well, which is that people in general feel better around those who help them see the good things in themself, and who can do that better than a person who's able to do that for themself first? We're all far more dependent on each other than people really care to admit, but underneath it all I think that's kind of what it comes down to. Ugh ok hope I didn't ramble too much here but I think maybe I did so sorry, hopefully someone out there will find this info useful anyway ;) :)

I'm very glad and grateful that you posted this thread @Auri :) These are extremely important things that many people struggle with a lot. It's gotten a very interesting discussion going and will hopefully help a lot of people be able to deal with these kinds of things with a better understanding of what it's all really about. *hug
 

Auri

🎸🎼Metal Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#20
There’s no easy fix to this, but start by accepting people’s compliments as the truth. Don’t question them. It’s actually, if you think about it, rude to dismiss someone’s praise because you are calling them disingenuous.

So, when you need to speak well of yourself, like in a job interview, say, People describe me as ....
Like I said, I know people are absolutely honest, they mean what they say, and I can even explain why they say those things. It makes sense. I'm also very grateful for anything anyone says, I accept it and try my best to let them know that it matters, but that's also one of the reasons I don't talk about this "problem" of mine, or about my low self-esteem in general. It sounds like I'm ungrateful, like I'm being stupid, or pretentious, and like I'm not valuing what others say. :( The problem is only in me and how I view myself, not how others view me, there's a clear disconnect between both.

Thanks for that little advice though, I actually honestly think that would help. ^^ I'd rather say that "people describe me as something" than "I am that something". It's more factual and my own opinion isn't taken into account. *yes4
 

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