Praising myself

[Auri]

About bragging, I also make the difference. I do mean it when I say I totally admire people who can talk about themselves in a positive light, I think there's nothing wrong with it and I absolutely encourage doing so. It's good to know your strengths, and rare are the people who actually 'brag' in a narcissistic way.

This doesn't mean I don't feel like shit (or disingenuous) when I try to do so myself. It feels like a lie, it feels wrong. Feelings are feelings, I'm not having these thoughts on purpose, damnit. (This is frustration at myself, no one in this thread of course. :p)

Again, I want to point out that the problem isn't others, it's me. I absolutely understand and agree with the "you're being rude for not believing me", but like I said, I do believe people when they say it. It's a fleeting feeling perhaps, I'm not sure, but that is NOT the issue.

It doesn't exactly help me when I'm really having a self-esteem crisis, and someone makes it about them "not giving enough compliments" or me "discarding them" as if that was my intention in all of this. It shuts me down instantly. One of the million reasons I don't feel like I can talk to people about my feelings/issues.

It's extremely important to me that the people who care about me and believe I'm "great" in any way know how grateful I am and how much I value their opinions and that I really really try (and sometimes succeed) to believe that myself. This doesn't mean my freaking mind lets go of all the thoughts when it wants to. I WANT to have better self-esteem.

Again, I'm talking to myself here, not getting upset at anyone else. Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate it a lot.

 

[A_J_R]

About bragging, I also make the difference. I do mean it when I say I totally admire people who can talk about themselves in a positive light, I think there's nothing wrong with it and I absolutely encourage doing so. It's good to know your strengths, and rare are the people who actually 'brag' in a narcissistic way.

This doesn't mean I don't feel like shit (or disingenuous) when I try to do so myself. It feels like a lie, it feels wrong. Feelings are feelings, I'm not having these thoughts on purpose, damnit. (This is frustration at myself, no one in this thread of course. :p)

Again, I want to point out that the problem isn't others, it's me. I absolutely understand and agree with the "you're being rude for not believing me", but like I said, I do believe people when they say it. It's a fleeting feeling perhaps, I'm not sure, but that is NOT the issue.

It doesn't exactly help me when I'm really having a self-esteem crisis, and someone makes it about them "not giving enough compliments" or me "discarding them" as if that was my intention in all of this. One of the million reasons I don't talk to people about my issues.

It's extremely important to me that the people who care about me and believe I'm "great" in any way know how grateful I am and how much I value their opinions and that I really really try (and sometimes succeed) to believe that myself. This doesn't mean my freaking mind lets go of all the thoughts when it wants to. I WANT to have better self-esteem.

Again, I'm talking to myself here, not getting upset at anyone else. Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate it a lot.

I'd give anything for better self-esteem. It's so difficult, and I think ultimately, it's something only we can give to ourselves.

We're all works in progress though, and you are very self-aware and thoughtful. That's a good sign.

 

[alixer]

Like I said, I know people are absolutely honest, they mean what they say, and I can even explain why they say those things. It makes sense. I'm also very grateful for anything anyone says, I accept it and try my best to let them know that it matters, but that's also one of the reasons I don't talk about this "problem" of mine, or about my low self-esteem in general. It sounds like I'm ungrateful, like I'm being stupid, or pretentious, and like I'm not valuing what others say. The problem is only in me and how I view myself, not how others view me, there's a clear disconnect between both.

Thanks for that little advice though, I actually honestly think that would help. ^^ I'd rather say that "people describe me as something" than "I am that something". It's more factual and my own opinion isn't taken into account.

I know. I thought you needed a little tough love. I’m glad you believe people. You are a good person.

And give that approach a try. Not only is it an easy way to talk about yourself but people respond to it better.

 

[JMG]

Hey Auri, sorry if it seemed like I was implying you weren't grateful when people give compliments to you, that wasn't what I meant at all. I can understand the tendency to think people are implying things when they aren't. I constantly feel like people are trying to say to me (without coming right out and saying it of course) that they think I am an insensitive, thoughtless, clueless dimwit who should stop posting here for good. In reality there are probably (hopefully anyway lol) very few members here who actually think such things upon reading my posts.

Anyway I was more talking about the importance of expressing gratitude to people. If you already do that then that's excellent. I guess I got kinda caught up in what I was saying, was just happy to have a chance to say my thoughts on this subject cos it's something I've thought about a lot over the years. Mixed together with the idea that I could help someone else with the subject as well was a recipe for me feeling far more alive and grateful than I usually do (though I'm always striving to be those things of course). I hope if nothing else that what I said at the end of my post was encouraging at least. I'd be very glad to know this thread was able to help a lot of people with this subject, I think it's one of the best things people can do for each other in this world, helping others be clearer and live the best, happiest possible lives they can live
I think you seem like a good person too and sorry again if anything I said in my post offended you.

 

[Auri]

Hey Auri, sorry if it seemed like I was implying you weren't grateful when people give compliments to you, that wasn't what I meant at all. I can understand the tendency to think people are implying things when they aren't. I constantly feel like people are trying to say to me (without coming right out and saying it of course) that they think I am an insensitive, thoughtless, clueless dimwit who should stop posting here for good. In reality there are probably (hopefully anyway lol) very few members here who actually think such things upon reading my posts.

Anyway I was more talking about the importance of expressing gratitude to people. If you already do that then that's excellent. I guess I got kinda caught up in what I was saying, was just happy to have a chance to say my thoughts on this subject cos it's something I've thought about a lot over the years. Mixed together with the idea that I could help someone else with the subject as well was a recipe for me feeling far more alive and grateful than I usually do (though I'm always striving to be those things of course). I hope if nothing else that what I said at the end of my post was encouraging at least. I'd be very glad to know this thread was able to help a lot of people with this subject, I think it's one of the best things people can do for each other in this world, helping others be clearer and live the best, happiest possible lives they can live
I think you seem like a good person too and sorry again if anything I said in my post offended you.

No worries, I didn't feel offended at all, which is why I mentioned a few times that I was frustrated with myself and no one else. I know what you meant, and I agree with all of it. I absolutely think it might help other people, too.

In real life when someone compliments me, I at least say "thank you" or "I believe you", something along those lines. I mean it when I say it, it's hard to explain why I don't "internalize" it, I guess. *scratching my head*

Also, as much as I try to be rational and introspective, I always leave myself the room to be wrong and for someone to call me out on it, otherwise I would never be able to get better and learn, right? So all opinions are welcome.

 

[alixer]

No worries, I didn't feel offended at all, which is why I mentioned a few times that I was frustrated with myself and no one else. I know what you meant, and I agree with all of it. I absolutely think it might help other people, too.

In real life when someone compliments me, I at least say "thank you" or "I believe you", something along those lines. I mean it when I say it, it's hard to explain why I don't "internalize" it, I guess. *scratching my head*

Also, as much as I try to be rational and introspective, I always leave myself the room to be wrong and for someone to call me out on it, otherwise I would never be able to get better and learn, right? So all opinions are welcome.

Have you read up on the psychology of it? I don’t mean motivational books. This is something many struggle with and it has received attention.

 

[Auri]

Have you read up on the psychology of it? I don’t mean motivational books. This is something many struggle with and it has received attention.

Not really, no. Motivational books are not my thing at all either, but is there something you had in mind?

 

[alixer]

Not really, no. Motivational books are not my thing at all either, but is there something you had in mind?

I minored in psychology but I’d have to know more about the origin. I thought maybe you had an idea of what’s the core issue.

 

[Auri]

I minored in psychology but I’d have to know more about the origin. I thought maybe you had an idea of what’s the core issue.

I can think of a few "origins", but I'm not sure to what extent it helps me to understand them, just is what it is. Well, perhaps they're not the core origin and if I knew the real one it would help me, I don't know. :p

 

[JMG]

No worries, I didn't feel offended at all, which is why I mentioned a few times that I was frustrated with myself and no one else. I know what you meant, and I agree with all of it. I absolutely think it might help other people, too.

In real life when someone compliments me, I at least say "thank you" or "I believe you", something along those lines. I mean it when I say it, it's hard to explain why I don't "internalize" it, I guess. *scratching my head*

Also, as much as I try to be rational and introspective, I always leave myself the room to be wrong and for someone to call me out on it, otherwise I would never be able to get better and learn, right? So all opinions are welcome.

Ok Auri, thank you for replying and I'm really glad you weren't offended by anything I said. I know you said you were frustrated with yourself so I did try to keep that in mind as well. I know a lot of times when I feel self-frustration that it would be easy for people to think I'm really upset with them when I'm not at all. I'm glad you know what I meant though and that you agree.

That's good that you say thank you or something else that shows positive gratitude when people compliment you. I know it can be harder to believe the good things people tell you about yourself than the bad. That has often been the case for me as well. When people say good things to me about myself I often think "ok, what have I done to cause this person to feel so sorry for me that they think they have to say these things to make me feel better about myself"? so ya I do know how that is. When that rather destructive voice starts up I have been trying a lot harder to tell it to go to hell and leave me the heck alone, or just give an internal slap to it. It takes a lot of practice and repetition but I think it is getting easier for me. It can be so hard also to see if you actually have been improving quite a lot with things also, especially if you don't have much support from anyone in your life.

I think that's a good way to be in terms of leaving room to be wrong and that without doing that you won't be able to learn and get better. I constantly try to keep that in mind also, while still firmly saying "ok, well I am doing the most right thing I know at this time and if there's a better way and I'm meant to know about it then I'll either think of it myself, or someone else will bring the idea to me in some way and then I'll be able to do better at that time."

One last thing, this is more to @alixer - That's really cool that you minored in psychology! I admire that so much and I think you are very brave to be able to do that I know you were addressing what you said to Auri but I am also very interested in what you said about the "core issue" thing. I did a search on it and did some reading on this site:

https://positivepsychology.com/core-beliefs-worksheets/

It had some very helpful info, and said that the 3 main categories that the core beliefs/issues are about are to do with helplessness, worthlessness and unlovability. I think I have issues with all 3 of those, but definitely the last 2 more than the first. I'm kind of indifferent overall about how "helpless" I am in the world or not, but ya the other 2 are definitely often at play with a lot of my thoughts, feelings and decisions about things. Very challenging to change, and also confusing at times I think. When I was able to see a counsellor once per month last year she gave me lots of positive affirmation things to read out loud to myself in front of the mirror. I had to say each one 10 times in a row and then go to the next one. That did seem to help me feel more positively and think in a healthier, more balanced way about both myself and the world. My counsellor was very proud of me for giving that a chance and for what I learned after doing that. It cannot be overestimated how important it is to have positive beliefs about yourself.