Pretending

[Freyja]

I wanted to post "how I feel today" but it got a little longer than usual and actually reflects how I feel every day despite everything I write daily in that thread.
Sad, alone, scared, lost, empty ... I just don't see how it can ever get better. It can only get worse. I feel like I'm hanging on there everyday like a machine, trying to stay positive and good, taking care of myself and others, smiling, pretending... and waiting for something that I can't name or describe, but that I'm certain I'll never reach. I'm telling myself that a life cannot be ruined at 25, but I can't rationalize my own. Nobody else sees it that way either.
This will sound insensitive to a lot of people here and I'm soo sorry in advance, but I can't even stand anymore that some people irl seem to care about me (or a fake version of me), call me, text me... I love them and appreciate everything, but why can't they just forget about me and get on with their lives, please...

 

[may71]

smiling, pretending..

Do you think you could ever reach a point where you stop pretending?

 

[Petal]

I am sorry you are struggling so much and really hope that you are feeling better today. At 25, the world is your oyster, you have so much more living to do, the fun times are ahead of you and hopefully the negative times will ease on you, keep talking to us, we understand where you are coming from. Stay safe and out of harms way. Your life is worth more than throwing it away, if you have issues you feel you cannot defeat try and get them resolved, we care about you here and what happens to you s*

 

[Ruben]

Hee Freyja,

You know, that something you can’t name or describe is “love”. Real love. Pure love. The kind of love that the world cannot give you. Only god can. He knows everything about you. And you are worth every breath on this earth. I say these things from the bottom of my hearth. I am the same age as you are and I’ve joined SF a little over a year ago now. It made me realise one thing. There is a lot of hurt and suffering in this world. And we must make the world a better place together, by loving each other. Wouldn’t that be nice…no more suffering…

…

I reach out to you because I know what suffering is like. It’s horrible. I believe that the people that call or text you do that for the same reason. However, you say that you want to be forgotten. Why is that?

You belong here, just like everybody else belongs here. If someone says you don’t, that’s a lie…
Like Petal says, we care about you Whatever happens, you can always update us. We are here for you Freyja!

 

[Freyja]

Do you think you could ever reach a point where you stop pretending?

I can hardly remember a point when I didn't... No, I feel like it has become part of me now. I don't see it at all...

 

[may71]

I don't see it at all...

Hugs

I hope you can find someone to show the real you if that helps

 

[Freyja]

I am sorry you are struggling so much and really hope that you are feeling better today. At 25, the world is your oyster, you have so much more living to do, the fun times are ahead of you and hopefully the negative times will ease on you, keep talking to us, we understand where you are coming from. Stay safe and out of harms way. Your life is worth more than throwing it away, if you have issues you feel you cannot defeat try and get them resolved, we care about you here and what happens to you s*

Thank you for your kind message. I always see it for other people, I always have hope for them... just not for me. It's not about the age but the feelings. Some people feel that way at 15, others at 25, others at 45 and so on... As much as I see the worth of my life and am grateful for all the positive things in it, these feelings simply never go away

Hee Freyja,

You know, that something you can’t name or describe is “love”. Real love. Pure love. The kind of love that the world cannot give you. Only god can. He knows everything about you. And you are worth every breath on this earth. I say these things from the bottom of my hearth. I am the same age as you are and I’ve joined SF a little over a year ago now. It made me realise one thing. There is a lot of hurt and suffering in this world. And we must make the world a better place together, by loving each other. Wouldn’t that be nice…no more suffering…

…

I reach out to you because I know what suffering is like. It’s horrible. I believe that the people that call or text you do that for the same reason. However, you say that you want to be forgotten. Why is that?

You belong here, just like everybody else belongs here. If someone says you don’t, that’s a lie…
Like Petal says, we care about you Whatever happens, you can always update us. We are here for you Freyja!

Hello,

Thank you for your beautiful message
Yes, I completely agree about love. Though I am quite surrounded by it, and I try to spread it as well. I could have written a similar message for someone else. I see the pain in the world everywhere I go, and I try to spread love instead, all the time. That's pretty much what I mean by pretending (in my case) because I have love, I see love, I feel it and I spread it... but I also feel the pain and sadness, and deep inside I am overwhelmed by them instead of the love. Maybe it is my nature, I am not pretending, that's just how I should be... I don't know.
I don't know much about God's love however, I don't think that's what I'm missing.

Well, if I was forgotten by everyone, honestly, it would just be much easier to go away. They would not need me anymore, and nobody would be sad if I left. If I could, I'd erase their memory of me. Of course that is the easy solution... and it will never happen anyway. It's just how I imagine my own relief, like many people on this forum.
Thank you again for caring, it means a lot.

Hugs

I hope you can find someone to show the real you if that helps

Thank you... Yes, there is one person who puts up with my sadness no matter what, and I can't be more grateful... Sometimes I still choose to pretend because I don't feel like I'm helping both of us by spreading sadness. It's a vicious circle...
I wish these feelings disappeared one day so I could keep being positive in front of people but it would be the real me