Round 2 of your destruction

[Prussia]

I did it. Despite the abuse and bullshit you put me through, I moved and started a new life with a job I like in a new town. But the money I spent trying to reach happiness with you won’t come back and I’m drowning without it it. It won’t be long before I give in to the debt sharks. And your lies are the only reason I’m drowning.

The suicidal thoughts are coming back every time I have to find money for food or the doctor. I can’t even enjoy the crunch of leaves as I walk like I used to. You’re still sucking the life out of me a year later.

A year ago I asked for a real apology and $50 for a parking ticket you got that I covered and you said you’d pay me back for. Never mind the thousands I spent trying to see you and help you, just that.

I’m still waiting. While I know you’ve already started dating the girl you spent your time with me flirting with, you can’t even find the balls to apologize to me.

But I finally figured out a way that I might be able to move on and deal with the crushing debt and depression. Yes, it also ends it all, but the only one who will feel the pain is you- the one who caused the most destruction. And you’re the one who will have to pay the monetary cost of my demise. Maybe then you’ll hone up to the fact that you were emotionally and sexually abusive to me. That you assualted me. Lied to me. Treated me like a whore and a sugar daddy all at once and told me you loved me while flirting with another. Maybe then you’ll actually hear the screams I’ve held in for so long for fear of hurting you.

Maybe then you’ll genuinely say you’re sorry for how you treated me. And learn to treat humans with actual respect. The travel will be worth the cost this time.

 

[Kolisar]

@Prussia, I am so sorry he treated you like that. I do not know either of you but he sounds like a complete jerk (I would use a bunch of other, more colorful four letter words, but there are some young members on this forum). I know nothing I can say here can hep with the pain that bastard put you through. Please do not let some jerk cause you to want to harm yourself. No one is worth that. Your post is very well written, eloquently worded, and expresses your pain, anger, and anguish succinctly and beautifully. It is actually quite poetic. You are clearly highly intelligent and sensitive. You deserver much, much better than someone who would ignore someone like you to flirt with someone whom I can only assume does not truly compare. Unfortunately a lot of men care more about the conquest than maintaining a relationship. A lot of men do not appreciate that the best part of a relationship is not the hunt, or even the initial conquest, but the closeness that builds over time, as you get to know your partner, and understand their hopes and dreams. When you feel so close that their needs and hopes are more important than your own. Some only want to control, abuse, and use women. I am so very sorry that you wasted even a moment of your time with someone like that.

I am very glad that you found this forum. I hope that your suicidal thoughts are just that, thoughts. Please do not let that guy cause you to harm yourself. You are still hurt by what he did, but you will be able to move on. Hang in there. It will get better.

 

[Dawn]

Hi Prussia, so sorry that u too are living with the effects of a monster. I know what that is like. They are real and walk among us and sometimes they can hide it very well for a short time. And not until later do we realize how destructive they really were. It is hard to face and deal with the after effects of such evil ppl from hell.

I understand the feeling that there is no way u will ever be able to be happy again or have a good life. @Kolisar is so right in all that he said. U are so young and have so much to live for. U can go on and meet a great guy and have the life u always wanted. It is definitely not too late.

Getting therapy could probably help u a lot. It will help u get some healing and feel better about yourself. Once u feel better about u, then u will not allow others to treat u badly ever again. I wish I would have gotten help when I was younger. The cycles continued to happen unconsciously. But if I had dealt with the traumas and had more self esteem I wouldn't have ever let anyone treat me like that again. But i didn't get help and thought I was doing okay and didn't want to talk about or face it all and deal with it. But now looking back, I see how much it did affect me and that things could have been so different.

Letting others abuse us causes so much damage and then self hate for staying around to let it happen. I urge u to always trust your instincts and run at the first sign of danger. That is something u will never regret.

I know money is very tight right now, but there are places that work on a sliding scale depending on your income. A domestic hotline could point u to resources that u are needing.

I hope that u don't mind the advice and that u get to feeling much better soon. Feel free to PM me anytime. Wishing all the best for u

 

[Prussia]

@Prussia, I am so sorry he treated you like that. I do not know either of you but he sounds like a complete jerk (I would use a bunch of other, more colorful four letter words, but there are some young members on this forum). I know nothing I can say here can hep with the pain that bastard put you through. Please do not let some jerk cause you to want to harm yourself. No one is worth that. Your post is very well written, eloquently worded, and expresses your pain, anger, and anguish succinctly and beautifully. It is actually quite poetic. You are clearly highly intelligent and sensitive. You deserver much, much better than someone who would ignore someone like you to flirt with someone whom I can only assume does not truly compare. Unfortunately a lot of men care more about the conquest than maintaining a relationship. A lot of men do not appreciate that the best part of a relationship is not the hunt, or even the initial conquest, but the closeness that builds over time, as you get to know your partner, and understand their hopes and dreams. When you feel so close that their needs and hopes are more important than your own. Some only want to control, abuse, and use women. I am so very sorry that you wasted even a moment of your time with someone like that.

I am very glad that you found this forum. I hope that your suicidal thoughts are just that, thoughts. Please do not let that guy cause you to harm yourself. You are still hurt by what he did, but you will be able to move on. Hang in there. It will get better.

I’m surprised at how much you got from what I wrote which I feel says so little of how I’m feeling. I’m glad you understand, it means a lot to me. Thank you.

I’m trying to just keep moving forward and take care of me, but what he’s done still affects my interactions every day. And when I try to set up boundaries between myself and others of just friends so that I can heal, they feel personally attacked and like I owe them something more for trying to spend time as friends with them. I keep trying to explain why I need that space and they just say “that has nothing to do with me, just get over it and date me already!”
It makes it harder to trust even good people when so many I’ve met don’t see to really care about me, ya know? Makes it hard to see the world any other way. Life is just a lot right now. Maybe 2018 will hurt less. XD

 

[Prussia]

Hi Prussia, so sorry that u too are living with the effects of a monster. I know what that is like. They are real and walk among us and sometimes they can hide it very well for a short time. And not until later do we realize how destructive they really were. It is hard to face and deal with the after effects of such evil ppl from hell.

I understand the feeling that there is no way u will ever be able to be happy again or have a good life. @Kolisar is so right in all that he said. U are so young and have so much to live for. U can go on and meet a great guy and have the life u always wanted. It is definitely not too late.

Getting therapy could probably help u a lot. It will help u get some healing and feel better about yourself. Once u feel better about u, then u will not allow others to treat u badly ever again. I wish I would have gotten help when I was younger. The cycles continued to happen unconsciously. But if I had dealt with the traumas and had more self esteem I wouldn't have ever let anyone treat me like that again. But i didn't get help and thought I was doing okay and didn't want to talk about or face it all and deal with it. But now looking back, I see how much it did affect me and that things could have been so different.

Letting others abuse us causes so much damage and then self hate for staying around to let it happen. I urge u to always trust your instincts and run at the first sign of danger. That is something u will never regret.

I know money is very tight right now, but there are places that work on a sliding scale depending on your income. A domestic hotline could point u to resources that u are needing.

I hope that u don't mind the advice and that u get to feeling much better soon. Feel free to PM me anytime. Wishing all the best for u

Thanks, @Dawning, for the suggestion of places to look for inexpensive counseling. I know it’s help but I have a lot of hurdles, personal and financial, that make me continue to put it off. I’ll find a local hotline and see if they have suggestions at least. I’ve tried most things, so advice is greatly appreciated! Gives me something else to focus on at least.

 

[pam4him]

I am so sorry for what you went through. However, KUDOS on getting out and on your own. Yes, I see it's hard, but YOU are better for it. Try to look at the little victories - he's not hurting you, he will likely treat her the same way, you've made it for a year, etc. It may seem like your death would get back at him, but chances are it won't. It may cause an interruption in his routine, but based on your description of him, it probably will not have a lasting effect. So, I challenge you to deny him that interruption and to be your own person despite him. To hold your head up, knowing how strong you already are. Perhaps contact a local crisis center for counseling to help you work through the issues. Honey, you got this, just keep on keeping on.

 

[Walker]

Well, it looks like @Kolisar said it for all of us ... but I just thought I'd say that many of us have been where you are so we "get it". You can't let this guy keep dragging you down. Finances are shit but you can fix that. You can get a loan or file for bankruptcy if you have to. But your happiness will return -- often more vigorously than it was with the guy you got rid of. Best wishes.