So tired of my narcissistic manager

[alice202]

This man is driving me insane. 15 people on our team and he treats most of us like crap. There is only one other female besides me and I think he treats us the worst. He is just so patronizing all the time. It takes all of my energy to keep myself from verbally ripping him to shreds. But if I do that I will lose my job and life will get worse. So I stifle my frustration and I'm getting a migraine headache every single day.
I work from home so I never deal with him in person, thank God. I'd push him out a window.

Alice

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

It makes you wonder how he got the job. Sorry you have to deal with him. I can see why you’d consider pushing him out of a window! 😂
I hope you can find a way to deal with him without getting migraines.

 

[Kiwi2016]

Alice so sorry that you are dealing with such a horrid individual especially as your boss... at least you are remote...admit I would claim oh my video connection seems to be acting up...as then could just hold phone with arm outstretched away from my ear until the talking stopped (used to do that with my father).... but seriously just take care and after dealing with him maybe listen to some soothing music to decompress and let all the pent up emotions etc. just float away slowly (I know far easier than said). Sending s

 

[SamB]

My advice is to keep a record of the things he does and says. Particularly if you can capture written things like emails and messages. Just keep them somewhere safe incase you ever need them in the future, hopefully you never will but it’s better to be prepared.

 

[alice202]

My advice is to keep a record of the things he does and says. Particularly if you can capture written things like emails and messages. Just keep them somewhere safe incase you ever need them in the future, hopefully you never will but it’s better to be prepared.

Thanks SamB. A lot of it is documented. I know that one man has already reported him for the same sort of thing, and I am waiting to see if he gets fired or if anything gets better. I have very little faith in human resources.

 

[BarryW]

Unfortunately many companies have a culture where they reward being rude and yelling. So the ruder and louder someone is, the higher they probably are on the totem pole.
Makes me sick.

 

[alice202]

Unfortunately many companies have a culture where they reward being rude and yelling. So the ruder and louder someone is, the higher they probably are on the totem pole.
Makes me sick.

It is sickening. Its a kind of abuse that goes unnoticed.

 

[SamB]

It’s often the result of a very hierarchical structure where managers only interact with the person they manage and the people they manage and never interact beyond those levels. This allows middle managers to split their behaviour, to the people below them they are awful, treating them badly, over working, etc etc. To their own manager they are well behaved and will often give a completely false impression, saying how well they treat their team, taking credit for their success and also blaming them if anything goes wrong. They get away with it because their manager never verifies things by talking directly to the lower level people.
That’s why you need to capture hard evidence to prove things, because it’s highly likely that if your manager realises you might complain about them they will start the process of discrediting you with their manager. Ultimately, in a case of your word against theirs the manager nearly always wins because the person making the decision will be a fellow manager that will likely have empathy for the manager and have been receiving a false narrative for a long time.

 

[alice202]

It’s often the result of a very hierarchical structure where managers only interact with the person they manage and the people they manage and never interact beyond those levels. This allows middle managers to split their behaviour, to the people below them they are awful, treating them badly, over working, etc etc. To their own manager they are well behaved and will often give a completely false impression, saying how well they treat their team, taking credit for their success and also blaming them if anything goes wrong. They get away with it because their manager never verifies things by talking directly to the lower level people.

You're right. The person I have a problem with actually reports to the same person I do. But the problem is the manager who is over us both just takes his word for everything. The weird thing is - last week my real manager called me for the first time ever. It was work related, and I invited him to a meeting of mine the next day. Then the asshole manager found out and I think he was jealous. He was angry that I didn't invite him to the meeting, and angry that I was having direct contact with our manager.

It's really stupid to NEVER talk to the people who report to you, but that is the way its been done here for over a year. I think it might have to do with the first guy (coworker) complaining. I've written down 15 complaints about things that have happened since I've been working here. If I get one more trigger, I'm going to HR,

This structure really leaves management in the dark. And when something blows up or there is a lawsuit they will say "Why didn't somebody tell us?" But they don't want to ask.

 

[BarryW]

And when something blows up or there is a lawsuit they will say "Why didn't somebody tell us?" But they don't want to ask.

"There's not a problem until there's a problem" - classic management mentality

 

[SamB]

There are two extremes of management, under one the manager considers their role to be enabling the team that works for them to produce value, even things like planning, making decision and giving direction are to enable their team to be more productive. In the other the manager considers themselves to be the value creator, that the decisions they make are the value and their team is simply their to enable them to create value.
Quite probably the truth of who creates the value is somewhere in between but the manager who operates under the first assumption is the one that I want to work for and the one I try to be.

 

[alice202]

I'm thinking of calling in sick tomorrow just for a mental health day. I really need to stop feeling like this job is controlling me.

 

[Livelife]

I'm thinking of calling in sick tomorrow just for a mental health day. I really need to stop feeling like this job is controlling me.

That's a good idea, and of course easier said than done about letting the bosses mentally control.....I'm sorry you have to work in that environment and be subjected to that. So many crappy people rise to the top in companies and organizations don't they.....

I like that you don't have to be in his physical presence multiple hours a day, there's a perk.
I hope you find a way to decompress or even not let him in most of the time so that you don't have to deal with manifesting migraines....That lets him win on one level. He has no self esteem etc. if he treats people the way it sounds like he does. You're probably aware of that already. And there are other ways for him to meet the company's bottom line of money/production if that's also what it's partially or all about. They both sound like jackass morons.

I've worked under people like that over my lifetime and it sucks. I'm glad you haven't lost it with him directly..

 

[alice202]

That's a good idea, and of course easier said than done about letting the bosses mentally control.....I'm sorry you have to work in that environment and be subjected to that. So many crappy people rise to the top in companies and organizations don't they.....

I've worked under people like that over my lifetime and it sucks. I'm glad you haven't lost it with him directly..

There are some good people in the job, and my partner is great. This is 2 jobs in a row where the project manager was an absolute narcissistic jerk. I feel like I need to start working on my next job search. I keep turning over in my mind if I should say anything at this one, but right now I don't know which way to go. I know I'm not the only one. They say you want to report it, but it doesn't always work out well when people do that. So I have to look out for myself. Because stifling my feelings is not good for my health.

 

[alice202]

So I called in sick. Actually I emailed in sick. I have two email accounts and one of them was not working at all. So I used the other one and texted my manager. But I'm willing to bet that nobody checked their mail before starting time so they probably dissed me at the startup meeting. They never answer their phones.

I am also totally stressed out about an apartment inspection. On Friday I got notice that there was going to be an inspection on Tuesday. I've been here almost three years and there has never been an inspection. My apartment is a mess. I spent the whole weekend cleaning and organizing, and it wont be ready by tomorrow. So I emailed and asked for a week extension.

If they don't give it to me I probably wont get another lease, and I'll be under pressure to find another place to live on short notice. This is really stressing me out. I feel sick.

 

[BarryW]

Are they inspecting all the apartments, or just yours?

 

[alice202]

They are inspecting all the apartments that are due for a lease renewal in 2 months. So if you don't pass, you don't get a new lease.

 

[Survivorist]

I do not know about our company and how big it is - but in most companies you have a staff committee. I would raise the issue eventually with them - after having made notes and eventual recordings (although this might be tricky as legally doubtful). Staff committee can have a big influence on these issues. We had a Mediator - and I can tell you that we became good friends. He had to come to Bangui - there were actually three people who lost their minds (due to stress). But it was solved. So, see if something like this exists for you there. If not - maybe you can create something? This would be the top of it.

 

[alice202]

I do not know about our company and how big it is - but in most companies you have a staff committee. I would raise the issue eventually with them - after having made notes and eventual recordings (although this might be tricky as legally doubtful). Staff committee can have a big influence on these issues. We had a Mediator - and I can tell you that we became good friends. He had to come to Bangui - there were actually three people who lost their minds (due to stress). But it was solved. So, see if something like this exists for you there. If not - maybe you can create something? This would be the top of it.

Bangui! In Central African Empire? I spent a summer in the country a long time ago... I was out in the middle of nowhere. Very simple living - I was with a missionary family and they were wonderful.

Actually my employer is a staffing agency but the contract is with the US government. Governments are highly bureaucratic. They switched us all to a new agency in November, but nothing changed in terms of the work environment. There is more of a structure now for reporting problems, but I have no idea how good they are. Sometimes the fastest way to solve a problem is to get rid of the person who complains. I'm not sure what I'm going to do - although reporting it to my actual employer is probably the right thing.

We do record most of our meetings - we are required. And its possible to retrieve emails and Teams chats for a long time. Not everything is recorded, but where its not there are sometimes multiple people witnessing. He makes a lot of racial comments that are totally inappropriate, and everyone on the team has heard that.

 

[Survivorist]

You see - finally someone who was in Bangui... I came there later from 2015 - 2017 - in the middle of the civil unrest and most staff were evacuated. For your nice boss - smile, try to laugh - mislead. Because his behavior is actually stupid, don't you think? Someone in a position like this should be smarter. Once you have enough and you dare, go ahead. Courage.