I don't want to be here. The past two days felt slightly better but now things are bad again (had a fight with my parents over something stupid). I self harmed again and got blood on my sheets and now my parents will find out because I don't think I can get the stain out all the way. ughhhhhhh. I feel like I'm falling apart.
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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
- Start date
Hi there - I put a "like" on your post because I am glad you are here sharing... as opposed to me thinking that what's going on is good. I wish I could help you feel like you are falling apart less quickly, at least. I honestly don't know what to do about the stain - in my experience if the sheets are white and you get to them fast enough, a 1:1 dilution of bleach to water will fade the stain, at least. If not white, Oxy Clean is a good way to go. Oxy Clean might be better than bleach in the case of white sheets, too.
Is there anything that helps you put yourself back together, metaphorically? That said, sometimes I find that it's the best thing for me to do nothing. Not sit and have a pity party, but ya know, just take some time to acknowledge that I'm overwhelmed. I hope that it's not sounding like advice here. I'm not expecting you to try out any of these things; they are just what works for me.
More importantly I just wanted to let you know that someone cares and is listening. I estimate I'm not the only one.
Is there anything that helps you put yourself back together, metaphorically? That said, sometimes I find that it's the best thing for me to do nothing. Not sit and have a pity party, but ya know, just take some time to acknowledge that I'm overwhelmed. I hope that it's not sounding like advice here. I'm not expecting you to try out any of these things; they are just what works for me.
More importantly I just wanted to let you know that someone cares and is listening. I estimate I'm not the only one.
I'm feeling a lot better after some successes later in the day today. I got to talk to someone at my ISP who could explain to me what they think is going on and the evidence that supports this hypothesis. I was really bent out of shape and the fact that someone who could speak to this particular issue was quite calming. I also did a blitz cleaning spree and now the place looks so much better. Admittedly, I pretty much just threw everything into closets and cabinets, but it still looks better, lol. I also achieved my goal of 2 liters of drinking water today. I have been struggling with keeping myself hydrated for years. I can't say when it started but I know it's far enough back that I don't remember how long it has been since I didn't go weeks and weeks continuously with my body losing more water than I was drinking. I feel better now - which is probably just me realizing how bad I felt because of my difficulties with thirst.
I googled a bit and figured a way to get the stain out thankfully, so I don't have to worry about that anymore at least
I think part of why I feel so depressed is that I don't have much of a routine right now. I have a hard time enforcing a routine for myself, but without one, I feel pretty aimless. I ordered a couple things to try to at least get a better bedtime routine (some tea that I like and a gua sha because it helps me relax), and I think that'll help me feel grounded in a healthier way as opposed to self harming when I feel bad. I also talked with my mom about potentially trying an IOP program and about switching my meds, so that's a bit of progress at least. As for trying to sit and acknowledge the overwhelming feeling--I'm trying to get better at that, but my natural tendency is to try to analyze *why* I'm feeling bad, and I think that rumination is keeping me stuck. It's really easy for me to get stuck in a loop of analyzing my feelings instead of really feeling them.
I think part of why I feel so depressed is that I don't have much of a routine right now. I have a hard time enforcing a routine for myself, but without one, I feel pretty aimless. I ordered a couple things to try to at least get a better bedtime routine (some tea that I like and a gua sha because it helps me relax), and I think that'll help me feel grounded in a healthier way as opposed to self harming when I feel bad. I also talked with my mom about potentially trying an IOP program and about switching my meds, so that's a bit of progress at least. As for trying to sit and acknowledge the overwhelming feeling--I'm trying to get better at that, but my natural tendency is to try to analyze *why* I'm feeling bad, and I think that rumination is keeping me stuck. It's really easy for me to get stuck in a loop of analyzing my feelings instead of really feeling them.
I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better! Being hydrated and having a clean space can really help. I also struggle with drinking enough water--I've heard those water bottles with markers on the side for how much to drink throughout the day can help (like X amount by noon, Y amount by 2pm, etc), but I haven't bought one yet.
Oh thank goodness you found a way to get the stain out.
I am all too familiar with the rumination loops, unfortunately. I also have the compulsive analysis, but I have started doing something to ground me when I notice that I am upset because I don’t understand my past. I think the easiest thing to do is to stop and take 3 mindful breaths. Mindful just means that you are aware of your inhale and exhale. I focus on the difference in the physical sensations that go with each.
The thoughts will come up, and they should be acknowledged, but not entertained… no judgement, no good thoughts, no bad thoughts, no good mindfulness and no poor mindfulness. Just what is happening now. I was trained to “label” it and return to the breath. When I first started, though, my anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t sit still for even 3 minutes; 3 breaths is a lot more attainable. The label could be something generic like “thinking” and then turn back to the breath, or it could be something more categorized, like “planning,” “resentment,” etc.
What I’ve been using lately is a mantra. There’s a 100 syllable mantra that keeps me busy for long enough if I repeat it 3 times. I notice feeling physically calmer after this. I have memorized it so that I can do it silently in my head, or out loud. I think it works better for me because it occupies my words by making me focus on the right order.
I am all too familiar with the rumination loops, unfortunately. I also have the compulsive analysis, but I have started doing something to ground me when I notice that I am upset because I don’t understand my past. I think the easiest thing to do is to stop and take 3 mindful breaths. Mindful just means that you are aware of your inhale and exhale. I focus on the difference in the physical sensations that go with each.
The thoughts will come up, and they should be acknowledged, but not entertained… no judgement, no good thoughts, no bad thoughts, no good mindfulness and no poor mindfulness. Just what is happening now. I was trained to “label” it and return to the breath. When I first started, though, my anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t sit still for even 3 minutes; 3 breaths is a lot more attainable. The label could be something generic like “thinking” and then turn back to the breath, or it could be something more categorized, like “planning,” “resentment,” etc.
What I’ve been using lately is a mantra. There’s a 100 syllable mantra that keeps me busy for long enough if I repeat it 3 times. I notice feeling physically calmer after this. I have memorized it so that I can do it silently in my head, or out loud. I think it works better for me because it occupies my words by making me focus on the right order.
I'm a bit suicidal, but it's a lot better than it was last week. I just generally feel pretty exhausted and I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get better for--things have been hard mentally my whole life, especially the last 15 years, and at a certain point it really feels like I'm just a lost cause. My parents said they'd help me find somewhere for either inpatient or intensive outpatient, so I guess that's a good thing. I'm not sure if it'll change much in the long run but at least it should help me not get worse?
