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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
- Start date
Yes. I pushing into my memories I have uncovered memory of when I played nice with my abuser, years after he'd abused me.
And the abuse wasn't even acutely in my mind. SLAUGHTER ME!!! SLAUGHTERME!! SLAUGHTERME!!
Compartmentalization. That's the word. All my life I've compartmentalized and I've empowered evil and tried to be freinds with the disgusting after they defiled me for it. So fucking stupid. The mods would edit htis comment if I would get more specific, but for fuck's sake, I'm idiot. I'm tbhe reason evil thrives. JUST KILL ME!!!
This sigust-disgustingness I feel, it's overwelming me. I can't think, or type. I am lonely. I bear this alone. Maybe that's justice.
And the abuse wasn't even acutely in my mind. SLAUGHTER ME!!! SLAUGHTERME!! SLAUGHTERME!!
Compartmentalization. That's the word. All my life I've compartmentalized and I've empowered evil and tried to be freinds with the disgusting after they defiled me for it. So fucking stupid. The mods would edit htis comment if I would get more specific, but for fuck's sake, I'm idiot. I'm tbhe reason evil thrives. JUST KILL ME!!!
This sigust-disgustingness I feel, it's overwelming me. I can't think, or type. I am lonely. I bear this alone. Maybe that's justice.
How many other victims has he taken, because I pushed what he did, what I let him do, into a file cabinet deep in my brain and threw away the key?! How much possible healing did I throw away because I never spoke up, originally because I kept it a secret, but then because I made myself literally never remember (until years after?)
MOM! DAD! SISTER! STOP LOVING ME! I WANT TO GO! I WANT TO END THIS! STOP! STOP! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MOM! DAD! SISTER! STOP LOVING ME! I WANT TO GO! I WANT TO END THIS! STOP! STOP! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@I_waste_everything Evil isn't your doing, I hope it's okay to say that. 
Yes. The hospital fired me and the board took my license because of the trauma and depression from the assault by an attending and hazing from senior residents. I completed every medical treatment they required but took my license anyway. Even though they promised that their purpose was to get me help so I could finish residency. It was all a lie.
I hope any residents or medical students out there reading this learn from this that they need to keep their mental health to themselves if they want to keep being a doctor. If you tell anyone about your mental health they WILL use it against you and take away your career. Then you're not left with any option other than suicide. At least I enjoyed being a resident for the first few months. It's sad to me that I'll never really know what it's like to be a doctor even after all the years I've spent working towards this. I don't even call myself a doctor anymore. I took down my diploma and threw my white coat in the trash. Right where they belong.
What a waste of a life for it just to end up like this. I never should've even been born.
I hope any residents or medical students out there reading this learn from this that they need to keep their mental health to themselves if they want to keep being a doctor. If you tell anyone about your mental health they WILL use it against you and take away your career. Then you're not left with any option other than suicide. At least I enjoyed being a resident for the first few months. It's sad to me that I'll never really know what it's like to be a doctor even after all the years I've spent working towards this. I don't even call myself a doctor anymore. I took down my diploma and threw my white coat in the trash. Right where they belong.
What a waste of a life for it just to end up like this. I never should've even been born.
No.
I newly remember a sin..a sin as a zombie during what time might, if not for the worst mistake, have been "boyhood".
I feel bad
I DESERVE to feel bad.
For me to die now would give me a release from this belated guilt that I don't deserve.
In my head I keep going to "kill me now". This confirms: I am coward, this time, the wish for death is a scramble for escape from accountability.
I hate this feeling. Whi h is why I should feel it. May I burn in hell until I die, or until God says I've made it up, and may I never do it again; and, can I remember to never do it again.
I newly remember a sin..a sin as a zombie during what time might, if not for the worst mistake, have been "boyhood".
I feel bad
I DESERVE to feel bad.
For me to die now would give me a release from this belated guilt that I don't deserve.
In my head I keep going to "kill me now". This confirms: I am coward, this time, the wish for death is a scramble for escape from accountability.
I hate this feeling. Whi h is why I should feel it. May I burn in hell until I die, or until God says I've made it up, and may I never do it again; and, can I remember to never do it again.