Hello, thankyou for your time reading this
I tend to overthink alot, I dont know if it was in my head or it was real. I see subtle social cues and just assume things.
I have a very desire to befriend everyone but I know so much I can't do that, everyone is built diffrent and it is normal for people to have different interest. Im not sure why I'm craving for it. Yet the feeling to dissapear was very big for me.
The feeling of wanting to go offline with contact only for the people I trust. I feel overwhelmed by so much information from online chat messages, i know how convinience it is to inform something if there were a change of plan but it constantly so much that replying late makes me feel bad at times. And when the infromation is missed, people will tell you to read the groupchat often and not to miss it, changes are becoming sudden and i think it isn't used to be that way. Things are a lot more thoughtfull. A change of plan will be a very big inconvenience for everyone since communication weren't as flexible as it is today. Honestly it was overwhelming since plans can change suddenly and we need to constantly and as often as possible look at groupchat to know important things and not to miss it too. It was overwhelming
The more I grow up the more things are tougher. Mistakes can be fatal and responsibility is alot more heavier. A reminisce the times where I was a child not to worry about everything and even when I make a mistake, adult treats me with understanding me and i eventually learned on how not to do it and I feel like a good child. But as I grow up. If you make a mistake, people just not tell you about it and just "keep it" not to make me feel bad. At times I was like that too and I understand why. A thing I learned is that to stay silent or say good things to the person. At times people just shared it with others, with cues and insinuation which makes things ambiguous. And that's what I'm afraid of, Ambiguity. Like talking bad about people they don't like with hidden social cues which only them know. I have this urge to ask them to make sure what they're talking about. But I feel intense anxiety and I'm not sure if it was necessary and it feels more like a trust Issues if I was proven wrong about it and I feel bad about the person I asked the question to. This feeling of fear when you thought of someone that is kind and nice and have a deep influence to a lot of people started talking bad stuff about someone. I scared it will influence other people that I care and respected about. Being left out is not a pleasant feeling.
Everytime I go to the public spaces where I used to go I feel afraid on the inside. But I try to feel fine eventhough my chest feels really tight. This anxiety never goes away. The intensity was still the same, though my reactiveness about it improve (im glad therapy helped me). But still it never goes away and my brain picking up these signal and it feels soo intense eventhough it was just for a minute things. Everyday I woke up and I remembered the day to go to that certain place, the anxiety just stonking up (i know I don't know how to word it, not a native engllish speaker ) I've always been curious with people that healed up with social anxiety and feel fine being confident. I wish I could be like that one day
I was really afraid, very afraid. I feel safe with myself and not a lot of people, im grateful that I still have people to trust but I don't trust so much people in my life including the ones that I thought were kind people. I just want to have an anxiety free life where I don't care about other people and conflict and stay true to myself, but it's so hard and it never happened to me for a day, i've always feel this feeling everyday it never goes away. I know it is a primodial part of me. It evolved from my great great ancestor as a survival mechanism. But it happened over minute things and constantly when I meet and interact with people. That intensity wasn't that much needed here in modern era. How could I befriend this demon?
As much as I want a therapy again, it is not cheap (in my country) and trust issues still very much prevalent on me.
I just wanted care, love and understanding, maybe I'm asking too much? I have some people in my life that gives me that.... but a lot and I think majority is not. Yet I always told by my loved ones that I care more about these poeple that doesn't really know me than I did to them.
I'm sorry for any grammatical or langguage error as english is not my native langguage
Have a good life and I hope your pillows are cold
I tend to overthink alot, I dont know if it was in my head or it was real. I see subtle social cues and just assume things.
I have a very desire to befriend everyone but I know so much I can't do that, everyone is built diffrent and it is normal for people to have different interest. Im not sure why I'm craving for it. Yet the feeling to dissapear was very big for me.
The feeling of wanting to go offline with contact only for the people I trust. I feel overwhelmed by so much information from online chat messages, i know how convinience it is to inform something if there were a change of plan but it constantly so much that replying late makes me feel bad at times. And when the infromation is missed, people will tell you to read the groupchat often and not to miss it, changes are becoming sudden and i think it isn't used to be that way. Things are a lot more thoughtfull. A change of plan will be a very big inconvenience for everyone since communication weren't as flexible as it is today. Honestly it was overwhelming since plans can change suddenly and we need to constantly and as often as possible look at groupchat to know important things and not to miss it too. It was overwhelming
The more I grow up the more things are tougher. Mistakes can be fatal and responsibility is alot more heavier. A reminisce the times where I was a child not to worry about everything and even when I make a mistake, adult treats me with understanding me and i eventually learned on how not to do it and I feel like a good child. But as I grow up. If you make a mistake, people just not tell you about it and just "keep it" not to make me feel bad. At times I was like that too and I understand why. A thing I learned is that to stay silent or say good things to the person. At times people just shared it with others, with cues and insinuation which makes things ambiguous. And that's what I'm afraid of, Ambiguity. Like talking bad about people they don't like with hidden social cues which only them know. I have this urge to ask them to make sure what they're talking about. But I feel intense anxiety and I'm not sure if it was necessary and it feels more like a trust Issues if I was proven wrong about it and I feel bad about the person I asked the question to. This feeling of fear when you thought of someone that is kind and nice and have a deep influence to a lot of people started talking bad stuff about someone. I scared it will influence other people that I care and respected about. Being left out is not a pleasant feeling.
Everytime I go to the public spaces where I used to go I feel afraid on the inside. But I try to feel fine eventhough my chest feels really tight. This anxiety never goes away. The intensity was still the same, though my reactiveness about it improve (im glad therapy helped me). But still it never goes away and my brain picking up these signal and it feels soo intense eventhough it was just for a minute things. Everyday I woke up and I remembered the day to go to that certain place, the anxiety just stonking up (i know I don't know how to word it, not a native engllish speaker ) I've always been curious with people that healed up with social anxiety and feel fine being confident. I wish I could be like that one day
I was really afraid, very afraid. I feel safe with myself and not a lot of people, im grateful that I still have people to trust but I don't trust so much people in my life including the ones that I thought were kind people. I just want to have an anxiety free life where I don't care about other people and conflict and stay true to myself, but it's so hard and it never happened to me for a day, i've always feel this feeling everyday it never goes away. I know it is a primodial part of me. It evolved from my great great ancestor as a survival mechanism. But it happened over minute things and constantly when I meet and interact with people. That intensity wasn't that much needed here in modern era. How could I befriend this demon?
As much as I want a therapy again, it is not cheap (in my country) and trust issues still very much prevalent on me.
I just wanted care, love and understanding, maybe I'm asking too much? I have some people in my life that gives me that.... but a lot and I think majority is not. Yet I always told by my loved ones that I care more about these poeple that doesn't really know me than I did to them.
I'm sorry for any grammatical or langguage error as english is not my native langguage
Have a good life and I hope your pillows are cold
