The night I want to forget.

DamCore

Life is a Gamble
#1
Well it's complicated. It really is.
It lies back a couple of years, when I was 9 or 10 years old. I can't remember to be honest.
My mom was gone for the weekend, and so I was alone at home with my dad. In the evening, he called me into the living room, so we could watch a movie together, to which I happily agreed. He works all day, and I rarely saw him.
So to have a whole weekend with him, was the greatest thing ever. I thought.

He called me over, and I sat down on the couch. He sat next to me, and began to zap through the programs, but couldn't find anything that is worth to watch. And everything that was good, already started. So he did something I didn't expect. He turned to a porn channel.

When I asked, why he did that, his answer was "I though you wanted to make a mens evening?"
I quietly agreed, because I was just 9 or 10 years old, and didn't want to oppose my father. So I sat there, quietly watching the porn, with him next to me, until he suddenly starts talking about my school.

I was bullied at the time, and one of the many reasons why was because, well, we were experiencing our first sexual.... things.
One big issue was the penis size. No one actually knew how long anyone's thing was, but, you know, we where kids. And to tell someone, they had a small penis was a big insult at the time.

Well, my father asked me what the main thing was, that they bullied me with. I explained to him, that it was because of my small penis. (which is completely normal sized, but I was a kid and stupid)

He told me to show him.

I was a kid. And I had no idea why. But I trusted him, and unzipped my pants. He looked at it, and touched it, and told me it was totally normal sized. It all would be good, if it would've stopped there.

Suddenly he bows down, and blew me. It was painful, and I began crying. when I told him to stop, he (thankfully) actually stopped, and asked why. I asked him why he does this. His answer:
He was cleaning the thing.

He ordered me to lay back, completely onto the couch. I did it. He continued. I grabbed the pillow next to me, and had to bite on it, because of the pain. I cried out, and told him to stop. He didn't.
He continued to blow me, for i dont know how long, until it was to much. I screamed at him to stop, and, thank god, he did. He went of, and I ran into my room.

That was the end of that night. Thinking about it now, it wasn't as bad as others had it. But for me, this single night destroyed my trust, and respect for my father.

3 or 4 years later. I remembered the night here and there again, but managed to ignore it most of the time. Until my mother picked me up from school. We were driving home, and on the way she told me, that she would be gone for the weekend. Memories came back. That night came back.

I was nervous when I told her, that it was ok. She looked through my facade like glas. She asked me, if I'm fine, and after 3 or 4 years of silence... I told her.

I left some things out, and vaguely explained what happened. She told me to talk to my father about that, and that, if this should be true, she will leave him. I didn't want that. I didn't want my family to be destroyed because of one night. She locked me in a room with him, and I explained what happened. He didn't knew what I was talking about, and said that it never happened, and that he isn't a pedophile.

After that, my mother, he and me talked all three about it. And after a long talk, they came to the conclusion, that it must've been a dream. Nobody, not even me could believe that what happened was actually true.

So I just told, that it was a bad dream, and carried on with my life. Nobody of us ever talked about this again. Until now.

Maybe it will get better now. Maybe the memories wont come back that frequently now. Maybe it will help.
 

Ineluki

The Storm King
Chat Pro
#4
DamCore

I know this was hard for you to post. I'm proud of you for doing it. You should be proud of yourself for writing this.

I hope you have let go of the idea that you will "destroy your family" by talking about this. We always want the ideal of "good family" to continue, and our relatives will often try to mislead us or distract us when we experience something that idealized view gets threatened. In your case, your parents have convinced you the abuse didn't occur. As much as you don't want to believe it, you owe it to yourself to seek help and support to help you with the way your father betrayed your trust.
 
#6
DamCore

I know this was hard for you to post. I'm proud of you for doing it. You should be proud of yourself for writing this.

I hope you have let go of the idea that you will "destroy your family" by talking about this. We always want the ideal of "good family" to continue, and our relatives will often try to mislead us or distract us when we experience something that idealized view gets threatened. In your case, your parents have convinced you the abuse didn't occur. As much as you don't want to believe it, you owe it to yourself to seek help and support to help you with the way your father betrayed your trust.
I agree with @Ineluki. Stay strong and maybe look for professional help, like therapy and talk to someone who knows the human mind really well. When you'll be ready of course.
Until then, saty strong
 

Anon Mouse

Well-Known Member
#7
I know the confusing and mistrust well.. I went through something similar but with my step dad.
Movies turning to porn... It's like a mirror. I was on holiday with him and still had a week left. It wasn't my first experience of abuse but definitely my first experience of someone I trusted doing something beyond my imagination.
I used to blame myself.. I did something.. we were talking and I said something. Too Pretty. Too Scared. Too Silent.
To this day I do not know what causes and Adult to take advantage of children and I really will never understand why parental figures do that to their children.
It does get better but it never truly goes away.
 

Sunspots

。◕‿◕。 SF Smiler 。◕‿◕。
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
Hi DamCore

I'm really sorry you went through this. You were so brave telling your mum but it must have been truly awful not to have been believed.

I totally agree with @Ineluki talking about this with a professional could be so helpful. Do you think that might be possible?

Keep talking to us here ok?
*Hugs*
 

sunnypseudo

Well-Known Member
#9
You are so strong, and so brave to have not only told your mom, but to confront your father. Abuse like that, especially when we are young feels so surreal. I think predators somehow instinctively know that. I am so sorry for what you have gone through, and thank you so much for trusting us to share here.
 
#10
Hi Damcore. You are so brave to write this down. I believe you. What your parents did to you was gaslighting after the fact. Saying that it was not true (act as if your crazy to believe that: gaslighting) messes with your head.
Try to trust and believe your own memories. Talk to people who care about you and with us, to verify your memories. It’s important for your healing. You are so brave. My heart goes out to you.
Hugs.
 
#11
I'm so sorry he done that to you, I hope you don't have to be in his company anymore. I believe you, a relative abused me in childhood too and to be told it was a dream would have messed my mind so much more because I knew, just as you remembered, and it's horrendous he done that to you. I hope you will be able to heal from that abuse. It takes massive courage to talk about anything like this and I think you are extremely brave too.
 
#13
I'm sorry that happened to you. It is unfair how your own mother took side to your father instead. By the way, you are strong and brave to share your stories. I hope you will be given justice and healing for the abuse you went through.
 

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