The opposite happened - lonely and hopeless

[dying_inside]

Hello,

im working on CSA with the help of a workbook. i already elaborated it all years ago but i felt i hadnt finished so i got this book. (CSA=Child Sexual Abuse)

im at the very beginning, where it talks about nurturing yourself and building a support system. i decided today's way of nurturing myself was getting a long hot shower. i did it, but once i got out i suddenly felt very low, suicidal and with no hope and SO lonely.

so the oppposite of what i was trying to do happened and i dont know why.

i feel very lonely and i have no one to talk with.

im completing one of my goals (before i can try suicide again) and i feel i have no goals anymore, even though the opposite is true, but since it isnt happening NOW i feel like theres nothing left for me to do.

im sick of this life and i want to end it soon. today wouldnt be hard to do it. i probably wont but....

please someone talk with me, PLEASE.

 

[Angel38]

You didnt look at the second task, which was to build your support system: you did it, you are here

 

[dying_inside]

Thank you!

but i was not triggered by anything about the CSA. i just felt and still feel empty and hopeless.

i had written some goals and now that im close to accomplish them i see no mean for me to keep staying alive

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

Hi @dying_inside

Sorry to hear you are struggling. I think its great that you returned to SF. You know its a supportive, safe space.
I wonder if the naked, getting dried off triggered some csa memory That caused those low, suicidal ideation feelings.
Regardless of the cause of it, you came here. That’s a great thing!
I hope you can find a way to keep living.
We are here for you.
🦩🦩🦩🦩

 

[dying_inside]

Thank you for your support.

my list of goals is still there but it seems meaningless right now.

im going to sleep now, maybe tomorrow i'll feel differently, i hope.

i think im bipolar, i dont want another down: highs are bad but downs are worse

what can i do?

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

YW. Try to rest. Come back tomorrow, check in.

There are people that are great at answering questions and suggesting resources.
Would information on BiPolar help? Seems like there is a thread for it. Plus the resources area has great info.
We are here for you. I hope you can keep trying.
Have a restful night.
🦩🦩🦩🦩

 

[KM76710]

Thank you for your support.

my list of goals is still there but it seems meaningless right now.

im going to sleep now, maybe tomorrow i'll feel differently, i hope.

i think im bipolar, i dont want another down: highs are bad but downs are worse

what can i do?

This is a place to seek and find support and where you will be welcomed and receive it. Anytime you need or want it just post to us.

 

[dying_inside]

Thank you all. I slept 11hrs and now feeling a little better. I still feel my goals are meaningless but i do have some goals still. I feel less suicidal today. Thank you.

 

[iloverachel]

Sorry you are feeling so lonely
You can always talk to us on here! We will be your friends you can reach out to when you feel down!

 

[toedes]

Hello,

im working on CSA with the help of a workbook. i already elaborated it all years ago but i felt i hadnt finished so i got this book. (CSA=Child Sexual Abuse)

im at the very beginning, where it talks about nurturing yourself and building a support system. i decided today's way of nurturing myself was getting a long hot shower. i did it, but once i got out i suddenly felt very low, suicidal and with no hope and SO lonely.

so the oppposite of what i was trying to do happened and i dont know why.

i feel very lonely and i have no one to talk with.

im completing one of my goals (before i can try suicide again) and i feel i have no goals anymore, even though the opposite is true, but since it isnt happening NOW i feel like theres nothing left for me to do.

im sick of this life and i want to end it soon. today wouldnt be hard to do it. i probably wont but....

please someone talk with me, PLEASE.

Thank you for your honesty. I to am a survivor of child sexual abuse. Today I feel broken beyond repair. I have tried everything it feels and maybe, just maybe that the place I am in today is what I need to feel before getting better.

 

[dying_inside]

@toedes yes we have to feel worse before we feel better, like when you go at the dentist...

today im more anxious than ever, even at work i couldnt breathe and i was dizzy. i cant work this way

 

[dying_inside]

tonight im suicidal. i hate life. my life is full of "maybe". maybe i'll get to sleep, maybe i'll get to go to the toilet, maybe i'll end my day at work, maybe it wont rain, maybe i'll eat something, maybe i'll get my driving licence renewed, maybe i'll get to publish my last book, maybe i'll get to see my T regularly again, maybe i'll have enough money to do it, maybe one day i wont feel so lonely, maybe my goals still mean something, maybe i'll be alive next month, maybe i'll kill myself today.... maybe, always maybe.... this creates extreme anxiety and im sick of feeling this way and depressed and having highs and downs and not getting the help i need even when i ask for it. im lost, depressed, suicidal, alone, i dont want to keep living like this.

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

@dying_inside
I am happy you rested.
please keep trying & sharing.

@toedes
I am sorry you are feeling so broken. I am glad you found SF. Its a safe place of Acceptance. We listen. We give suggestions if you ask. Lots of resources. And there’s enough kindness to go around. I look forward to getting to know you.

🦩🦩🦩🦩

 

[Livelife]

Thank you for your honesty. I to am a survivor of child sexual abuse. Today I feel broken beyond repair. I have tried everything it feels and maybe, just maybe that the place I am in today is what I need to feel before getting better.

Welcome here Toedes. I hope you can find some comfort and support with the good people here.

 

[KM76710]

Thank you for your honesty. I to am a survivor of child sexual abuse. Today I feel broken beyond repair. I have tried everything it feels and maybe, just maybe that the place I am in today is what I need to feel before getting better.

Sad to hear that you did endure that abuse, but welcome and glad that you are with us here, you will find others here that will care about you and be supportive.