March 14th 2014
I have been really good all week. I have thought happy thoughts. I have been determinedly upbeat. I have made headway at work and I have worked really hard on not thinking or feeling anything negative. And now it is now. It is nearly an hour and a half since everyone went home and I am in the office alone for the third night in a row because going home hurts. I should leave - I am not doing anything useful here - but all there is at home is 62 hours of loneliness. Hoping for scraps of conversation from people too busy to talk to me. The friend I used to have brunch with on a Sunday has moved away and made it very clear that now he had less free time his "real friends" (his words) were a priority. So no more brunch. Just me - alone - until work again on Monday morning.
I am exhausted and sleep simply will not come - not in any useful form. It is broken and barely adds up to a workable number even if you take it in pieces. It is filled with nightmares and the sad part is that the nightmares in large part are actually only a slight amplification of the waking situation.
I want a hug - and there is nobody in the world to give me one. Not today. Not at any point in the foreseeable future. I feel alone. And I am sad.
I have been really good all week. I have thought happy thoughts. I have been determinedly upbeat. I have made headway at work and I have worked really hard on not thinking or feeling anything negative. And now it is now. It is nearly an hour and a half since everyone went home and I am in the office alone for the third night in a row because going home hurts. I should leave - I am not doing anything useful here - but all there is at home is 62 hours of loneliness. Hoping for scraps of conversation from people too busy to talk to me. The friend I used to have brunch with on a Sunday has moved away and made it very clear that now he had less free time his "real friends" (his words) were a priority. So no more brunch. Just me - alone - until work again on Monday morning.
I am exhausted and sleep simply will not come - not in any useful form. It is broken and barely adds up to a workable number even if you take it in pieces. It is filled with nightmares and the sad part is that the nightmares in large part are actually only a slight amplification of the waking situation.
I want a hug - and there is nobody in the world to give me one. Not today. Not at any point in the foreseeable future. I feel alone. And I am sad.