Too Lonely

[lightning05]

Lately I have been feeling this overwhelming lonliness. I could be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. I've cried about it so much today, even crying at work in the bathroom stall so no one would see. I feel like this lonliness is eating me from the inside out and it hurts so badly to the point where I physically feel it in my chest. It's becoming too much to bear and making me crazy. Well, crazier than I already am.

 

[moxman]

I know this feeling all too well, it just eats at you. I wish I could tell you a magical cure but I am still there myself. Are you seeing a professional? If not maybe you should consider it. What is going on with you to cause you to feel this way?

I have found keeping a journal helps some it lets you see the progress you have made. Like on Saturday I was feeling this way and on Wednesday I am feeling better.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

Hugs. Sorry that you feel so alone. Is there anyone that you can talk to. I am finding that IRL peer support groups help as I can talk about things that I do not want to bring up to co-workers or other friends.

 

[lightning05]

I moved 3,000 miles away about two and a half years ago and I have made a few friends but I am still having a lot of trouble adjusting. My best friend here is moving 8 hours away and I am sad about that. She is usually the only friend I see on a consistent basis besides when I have classes (which is twice a week when in session). I have not dated for a while and have anxiety towards it and am still working out issues from my past (sexual abuse when I was young and rape) that makes it really difficult for me. I am a bit paranoid and am nervous about someone trying to take advantage of me. That doesn't just go for dating but also just in general. I started a new job but I work for a religious organization that is very pushy about wanting you to know about it and is very in your face about it. Even if you are not a member of the religion they expect you to pray with them and talk about verses and stories. There is actually a position there that I can't have because I am not that religion. I have nothing against religion but I think that they should respect the fact that I am not as much as I respect the fact that they are. It is kind of taking a toll on me and I feel like an outsider there. I love my job and what I do - it's what I go to school for! - but it is so hard to do it when they want me to focus on religion when it has nothing to do with my position. Since I am doing my internship at this place I am trying to suck it up until I graduate in the winter and can apply to places with no religious ties.

I just started seeing a new therapist. We've had 2 sessions down. She's very clinical. So far I like her but still have to feel her out more. @Rockclimbinggirl how often does you support group meet? I think that would help me a lot. @moxman I have been writing poems that reflect how I feel but I have been talking to other people on SF who have recommended a journal and it is something that I am going to start doing. Thanks everyone for reading that long post.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

It meets once a week. It is a drop in group for young people.

Moving is hard, I understand. I moved almost 3000 miles two years ago for school.

 

[SinisterKid]

I also do a once a week drop in group session on mood management and have to say its brilliant. Other members of the group are great, really nice people, just having the same problems as me and we talk and have tea/coffee and do some good work on just learning to manage the differing moods our emotions and thoughts bring us into contact with. I would recommend it to anyone. I also have to say, the OT who does the group is excellent at involving everyone present, if they are ok to be involved. If they prefer to just be there but say little, she never pushes them into talking.

 

[moxman]

I admire you.

Obviously you are under a lot of pressure by your job to convert to their religion ; and you are not you are staying true to your own belief system. That is not easy, kudos to you kid. Plus you had the guts to move 3,000 miles away from your established friends and family to start anew. That could not have been easy on you, but yet here you are you are being largely successful, yes you may have some bumps in the road to overcome (some fairly largely ones in your past) but unfortunately that is this game called life. You are obviously successful in school or you would not be finishing up soon. You are obviously successful in your job or you would not still be working there. That is a lot to be proud of my friend. (Hell I had a dream this morning I was being fired from a job, how f'g sad is that? lol)

No wonder you feel lonely you work at a place that treats you as an outsider, probably because you are a member of their "club." (I personally am not particularly fond of religion if you could not tell =) You are in a very isolating environment where you are being judged for being an outsider and a non-believer of their belief system. But you have the fortitude to stay there until you finish school. That can not be easy; you truly have guts kid. Losing your best friend truly does suck and I am sorry you are going through it. But we already know you are strong you are you will survive. I understand completely about your being skeptical of new people , given your past who would not be? You are going to have to take some chances and chances are scary. And sometimes chances don't work out too well, we just have to put them in the rearview mirror and keep moving forward. Maybe using websites like www.meetup.com will help you meet new people that have similar interest as you do?

I am glad that you are seeing a counselor and it is going well for you. I am glad that you are writing poetry as a way of expressing your feelings. Maybe someday you could share it with us, I for one would love to read it. You could always PM if you don't feel like sharing with group.

Your going to be fine, I believe in you.

 

[lightning05]

I will definitely give it a shot. I will probably be one of those people who just sits there at first but I think even just being there will help me.

 

[lightning05]

Thanks @moxman . I didn't realize how much the religion thing was affecting me until I broke down at work yesterday. I need to learn how to undo some of this paranoia and trust in my abilities to defend myself and read people. I think that I have retreated into this shell over the past few years and sometimes it's more comfortable to stay in it then venture out.

 

[moxman]

Maybe changing jobs , and getting you away from that mess would be in your best interest emotionally?

 

[lightning05]

Since I've already signed on to do my internship at this place and it is a requirement for graduation I can't leave right now. However I have a list of places that I am going to apply to in October and November when school is out and one of my teachers has agreed to help get me a position at one of them. So even though it sucks for now I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[moxman]

that is great, i am happy for you !!!!!!! So Ms. Lightning05 what kind of degree are you going to get? What is your dream job?

 

[lightning05]

Thank you. It's a little unconventional but I want to be a funeral director and when I'm done with my program I will be licensed. What about you?

 

[moxman]

ok that is different, but what ever makes you happy. Have you ever watched the HBO series "Six Feet Under"? Its about two brothers who run a funeral home.

I would love to get a job in the computer field but my stupid stuttering makes it almost impossible to get an entry level job. i guess that is part of why I am here, i am so frustrated with all aspects of my life I do not know how to fix it.

 

[lightning05]

Yes, I've watched that show twice already! Good show, pretty inaccurate as far as the way the business is run haha but it's TV. I thought the acting and family drama was pretty good though. Have you ever done speech therapy for stuttering? What do you do now? I have a friend who stuttered in high school and he is a pilot now. You can do it and maybe you will land a gig where you don't have to talk to people too much (if that's what you prefer).

 

[mpk]

lightning05, I hope that things go well for you. As far as working for a religion based employer be as polite as you can and say that your beliefs are your own, if they practice any kind of tolerance then that should be sufficient to move on and focus on your job and skills.
This has worked for me very well as I don't consider myself religious and have worked with people who were devout. They usually do not bring up the subject again unless I approach them for further information to improve my knowledge or their belief system.

 

[lightning05]

Thanks for the advice. I wish that I could politely "decline" and I try to miss the morning meetings as much as possible since they pray there and talk about Biblical stories and figures. I just go do some other work since I don't HAVE to be there and I know my direct manager knows it makes me uncomfortable (she's not very religious either). The other day we had to do a training about priests' garments and what constitutes a mass and why they do it. These are all things that don't pertain to my job in the slightest so its frustated to get stuck in an hour long training for something useless to me both personally and professionally. The higher ups have a hard time removing religion from the job so that's what makes it difficult but I am keeping my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel!

 

[moxman]

Yes, I've watched that show twice already! Good show, pretty inaccurate as far as the way the business is run haha but it's TV. I thought the acting and family drama was pretty good though. Have you ever done speech therapy for stuttering? What do you do now? I have a friend who stuttered in high school and he is a pilot now. You can do it and maybe you will land a gig where you don't have to talk to people too much (if that's what you prefer).

Hey do you ever get on Reddit? they have a lot of funeral/funeral director subredits that may interest you. Its great that you have someone else there that shares your beliefs and is on your side. September is just two months away and will be here before you know it.

Right now I am on disability from two different government agencies, my body always lets me down. It always gets sick or something new goes wrong with it. That's part of why I am suicidal is because, I hate my physical body: from the stuttering, to the depression, to the seizures (that cost me my Navy Career), from having my colon removed to severe colitis and now I have perm. diarrhea (which is terribly frustrating, kinda hard to hold down a job when your in the bathroom every 15 minutes it seems like or I am in serious pain) to the shoulder arthritis that cost me job at TSA , https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transportation_Security_Administration, I was miserable there thou so I didn't fight it that much. I am on 14 different meds and I am just tired of always being sick.

I do see a speech pathologist but I only see her like one her hour every month. So I wonder how effective it is. I very self conscious of my stuttering and a lot of times I don't say anything at all. I basically hate talking. I would love to get a job where "Excellent Phone Skills" or "Excellent Verbal Communication" where not a requirement. I am very thankful that neither of kids stutter, that would have been horrible.

 

[lightning05]

I'm sorry about all the physical ailments. That must be very tough to handle. I could see how 14 meds would be a lot to deal with and tiring also. You've helped me a lot and I've seen you help a lot of other people on this forum so I think you've got excellent communication skills even though they weren't verbal on this site . I'm glad that you have your kids to lift your spirits and that they're healthy. I hope you can find a job you like soon. Have you ever considered working from home?

 

[moxman]

Would it be ok if I PM'd you something?

 

[lightning05]

Yes, of course! Anytime.