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Empathy Only (TW: domestic violence). Need some moral support. I'm having suicidal thoughts. I feel awful
- Thread starter Facesar
- Start date
That is terrible!
I am sorry you're going through so much pain and abuse..
Do you think reaching out to helpline numbers will help? Especially if you're constantly unsafe.
I know breaking cycles of abuse isn't easy but to think about your safety , it should be the priority. Do you have any set of emergency contact numbers that you can reach out to if things go out of hand?
Any relatives , friends , acquaintance who may allow you to stay at their place if needed , temporarily?
I just saw , you tagged " empathy only ". On my behalf , I said those things because I believe it was my moral duty. Your safety is important.
As for empathy , I will try.
I believe abuse really does great damage to you. It affects your self esteem , your anxiety levels , your whole life. You do not deserve it at all. No. Your abuser , they might say things like you do. They might make you believe that you do , but you do not deserve it! They are abusive period.
Their flares up is completely their own choices. CHOICES , they might be going through some mental or emotional things of their own but that doesn't justify their abuse at all. No.
I am sorry , I truly am that you found yourself stuck in such situation. It sucks. I wish you lots of strength , hope , luck and I just wish that you free from this , one day and heal and get to see good days in your life because you deserve it 100%.
Also , fuck your abuser š
I am sorry you're going through so much pain and abuse..
Do you think reaching out to helpline numbers will help? Especially if you're constantly unsafe.
I know breaking cycles of abuse isn't easy but to think about your safety , it should be the priority. Do you have any set of emergency contact numbers that you can reach out to if things go out of hand?
Any relatives , friends , acquaintance who may allow you to stay at their place if needed , temporarily?
I just saw , you tagged " empathy only ". On my behalf , I said those things because I believe it was my moral duty. Your safety is important.
As for empathy , I will try.
I believe abuse really does great damage to you. It affects your self esteem , your anxiety levels , your whole life. You do not deserve it at all. No. Your abuser , they might say things like you do. They might make you believe that you do , but you do not deserve it! They are abusive period.
Their flares up is completely their own choices. CHOICES , they might be going through some mental or emotional things of their own but that doesn't justify their abuse at all. No.
I am sorry , I truly am that you found yourself stuck in such situation. It sucks. I wish you lots of strength , hope , luck and I just wish that you free from this , one day and heal and get to see good days in your life because you deserve it 100%.
Also , fuck your abuser š
Hi @Congratsbaby
Thank you so much for your support. It really helped me. I also really love the last part: āfuck your abuserā))
After reading your message, I actually felt some hope for the first time in more than half a year - hope that I might get out of this and that everything could eventually be okay.
Right now Iām being pressured from all sides by the people around me. And at the same time, I have absolutely no support and I donāt know what to do. As for domestic violence support services, unfortunately I canāt really use them in my situation. Iām financially dependent on this fucking piece of shit who abuses me. And because of the physical injuries/trauma I have, I canāt get a job and move out. The rest of the people around me are just making everything even worse.
I know everyone here is having a hard time, and I really hope my messages arenāt making you feel worse. Iād feel awful if they were.
I decided to write this and just vent to someone who actually listens, because youāve already helped and supported me so much. Iām writing because I have no strength left and Iām right on the edge.
Before my previous attempt, I thought about signing up on this site, talking to someone and asking for help. I didnāt do it, and eventually I ended up making an attempt that failed.
Right now Iām trying to hold myself together, more or less, but I just canāt anymore.
Sometimes I might not reply to a message at all, or I might reply really late. Itās because I have very little energy right now. I really appreciate the attention and support people give me, both now and in the future. I just wanted to say that if I donāt respond, itās not because Iām being rude or ignoring anyone on purpose. Just wanted to clarify, just in case.
Thank you so much for your support. It really helped me. I also really love the last part: āfuck your abuserā))
After reading your message, I actually felt some hope for the first time in more than half a year - hope that I might get out of this and that everything could eventually be okay.
Right now Iām being pressured from all sides by the people around me. And at the same time, I have absolutely no support and I donāt know what to do. As for domestic violence support services, unfortunately I canāt really use them in my situation. Iām financially dependent on this fucking piece of shit who abuses me. And because of the physical injuries/trauma I have, I canāt get a job and move out. The rest of the people around me are just making everything even worse.
I know everyone here is having a hard time, and I really hope my messages arenāt making you feel worse. Iād feel awful if they were.
I decided to write this and just vent to someone who actually listens, because youāve already helped and supported me so much. Iām writing because I have no strength left and Iām right on the edge.
Before my previous attempt, I thought about signing up on this site, talking to someone and asking for help. I didnāt do it, and eventually I ended up making an attempt that failed.
Right now Iām trying to hold myself together, more or less, but I just canāt anymore.
Sometimes I might not reply to a message at all, or I might reply really late. Itās because I have very little energy right now. I really appreciate the attention and support people give me, both now and in the future. I just wanted to say that if I donāt respond, itās not because Iām being rude or ignoring anyone on purpose. Just wanted to clarify, just in case.
Hi, may
Thanks for your support. Appreciate it
Iāve been thinking a lot about suicide. Iām being pushed to the breaking point by unbearable conditions. I donāt know, Iām scared Iām going to snap. Itās so hard for me to get through every day. I donāt want to attempt [...]. Iām just scared I might snap because Iām being pushed into such a terrible state. Thereās going to be even more violence against me this weekend. I hope I survive
Thanks for your support. Appreciate it
Iāve been thinking a lot about suicide. Iām being pushed to the breaking point by unbearable conditions. I donāt know, Iām scared Iām going to snap. Itās so hard for me to get through every day. I donāt want to attempt [...]. Iām just scared I might snap because Iām being pushed into such a terrible state. Thereās going to be even more violence against me this weekend. I hope I survive
I am so sorry to read that. I am a survivor of domestic violence so I can absolutely empathize. I also hate, hate, hate that there are still people who do it. I donāt know if you want advice but I think Iād be remiss not to mention that, depending on the perpetrator and how long/severe the abuse has gone on, then getting away is the most risk-fraught point where serious injury or even murder the perpetrator may commit. Again, I donāt know enough about your situation to suggest how to handle it, but I have had occasion to learn a LOT about how domestic abusers function, according to available data.
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Okay I missed the quoted post until after my earlier reply. I also noticed that you tagged the thread as empathy only.
In this case, however, I do think advice is called for, because under no circumstances should someone who is fearing even more violence be afraid to seek out a shelter for victims of domestic violence. The staff there know what theyāre doing and are careful to keep secret all information about individuals in their care. In other words, youād be able to effectively disappear, at least for a few days.
I know that itās frequently difficult if not impossible for a person who is currently being abused to imagine getting help, but I can tell you that you will get to the other side of this and you will thank yourself for taking the first step. I had blamed myself from early on and therefore I deserved it. I also absorbed the abuserās statements to me about what a worthless burden I was, et al.
I fully endorse what @seabird said about contacting the police. Not only to get them involved for your physical safety, but also because they are probably the best resource youāll have to get connected with a shelter and/or other resources.
I say probably because some locales have dedicated phone numbers to get connected with resources for vulnerable people. This goes for any children who are also in danger. The police should also be able to point you in a good direction to find that number.
I know this is the first time Iāve interacted with you, but because I have lived through this, I am hugely concerned and I pray** for your safety and escape, as well as eventual healing to the fullest extent possible.
** - I use the term, āprayer,ā loosely in that I practice contemplative or ācenteringā prayer but I have other practices, too.
In this case, however, I do think advice is called for, because under no circumstances should someone who is fearing even more violence be afraid to seek out a shelter for victims of domestic violence. The staff there know what theyāre doing and are careful to keep secret all information about individuals in their care. In other words, youād be able to effectively disappear, at least for a few days.
I know that itās frequently difficult if not impossible for a person who is currently being abused to imagine getting help, but I can tell you that you will get to the other side of this and you will thank yourself for taking the first step. I had blamed myself from early on and therefore I deserved it. I also absorbed the abuserās statements to me about what a worthless burden I was, et al.
I fully endorse what @seabird said about contacting the police. Not only to get them involved for your physical safety, but also because they are probably the best resource youāll have to get connected with a shelter and/or other resources.
I say probably because some locales have dedicated phone numbers to get connected with resources for vulnerable people. This goes for any children who are also in danger. The police should also be able to point you in a good direction to find that number.
I know this is the first time Iāve interacted with you, but because I have lived through this, I am hugely concerned and I pray** for your safety and escape, as well as eventual healing to the fullest extent possible.
** - I use the term, āprayer,ā loosely in that I practice contemplative or ācenteringā prayer but I have other practices, too.
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Ooof. I am sorry to be blasting your thread, and I wonāt know if you block my content if itās not helpful, so you have an option with that, too.
Re: financial dependence - have you checked with a shelter to identify whether they can assist financially as well? Itās common for abuse victims to be dependent upon their abusers in various important ways.
This is another facet of how DV perpetrators operate. Whether they know what theyāre doing or not, the point is to isolate the victims, and also to induce a sense of helplessness in the victim (s) so that they wonāt fight back or try to escape. I believe that there is a way, even if it seems unimaginable to you right now. Okay hopefully I will shut up now, sorry again.
Re: financial dependence - have you checked with a shelter to identify whether they can assist financially as well? Itās common for abuse victims to be dependent upon their abusers in various important ways.
This is another facet of how DV perpetrators operate. Whether they know what theyāre doing or not, the point is to isolate the victims, and also to induce a sense of helplessness in the victim (s) so that they wonāt fight back or try to escape. I believe that there is a way, even if it seems unimaginable to you right now. Okay hopefully I will shut up now, sorry again.
So, i respect that your thread is "empathy only", and i'll try to adhere to that. And to condense my position as much as possible, it's that i survived 12 years of abuse. He never physically assaulted me, outside of normal laddish behaviour, cos he never needed to, but he had full control over my mind, and he did the same to others, as well as sexually abusing them. My prevailing belief is that he did that as a substitute for his desire to do those things to me. It should've been my burden to carry, not theirs. And what's worse is i helped him inflict these horrors, by persuading them to go back to him whenever they started to see reality. He made me believe i was helping them by doing so. It was a truly demented, cult-level nightmare. I suspect he may well become a cult leader some day.
I contemplated ending my life so many times. I seriously believed i didn't deserve to live. To this day, i feel that if one of the women/AFABs i suspect he substituted for me showed up on my doorstep with a weapon, i wouldn't resist their right to take what they arguably deserved out of me, even if that was my life. I blamed myself for so much of the harm he inflicted. "If i was just born female. If he'd just violated me instead of them. If i'd just been strong enough to stand up to him. If i'd just been willing to let his other victims go."
But in the end, i recognised that as guilty as i felt, and as guilty as i may stand in my final judgement in the court of king Minos or whatever, i wasn't the true source of the problem. He was. And killing myself over what he did to me, and to others as a substitute for me, wouldn't actually make anything right. The only one who deserves to pay for the weight of the sins your abuser inflicted is your abuser. Not you. Your death won't set anything right. It'll only deprive you of the future you deserve, free of him and his influence.
And that future exists out there, as hopeless as it can feel. As beyond redemption and monstrous as i felt, i have friends now who know me for the screwed up person i am, and like me in spite of the terrible things i've done in my abuser's name. And i even have a soulmate who loves me more than anything or anyone. My life is getting better and better without my abuser in it. And yours can absolutely be the same. You just have to make it to the bit where you finally have the financial power to cast them away. And i can promise this, it will come, if you're truly ready to be rid of them. That's the honest response my empathy has to offer. That i'm far more complicit in the harm my abuser my inflcted, and even i deserved peace so why shouldn't you?
I contemplated ending my life so many times. I seriously believed i didn't deserve to live. To this day, i feel that if one of the women/AFABs i suspect he substituted for me showed up on my doorstep with a weapon, i wouldn't resist their right to take what they arguably deserved out of me, even if that was my life. I blamed myself for so much of the harm he inflicted. "If i was just born female. If he'd just violated me instead of them. If i'd just been strong enough to stand up to him. If i'd just been willing to let his other victims go."
But in the end, i recognised that as guilty as i felt, and as guilty as i may stand in my final judgement in the court of king Minos or whatever, i wasn't the true source of the problem. He was. And killing myself over what he did to me, and to others as a substitute for me, wouldn't actually make anything right. The only one who deserves to pay for the weight of the sins your abuser inflicted is your abuser. Not you. Your death won't set anything right. It'll only deprive you of the future you deserve, free of him and his influence.
And that future exists out there, as hopeless as it can feel. As beyond redemption and monstrous as i felt, i have friends now who know me for the screwed up person i am, and like me in spite of the terrible things i've done in my abuser's name. And i even have a soulmate who loves me more than anything or anyone. My life is getting better and better without my abuser in it. And yours can absolutely be the same. You just have to make it to the bit where you finally have the financial power to cast them away. And i can promise this, it will come, if you're truly ready to be rid of them. That's the honest response my empathy has to offer. That i'm far more complicit in the harm my abuser my inflcted, and even i deserved peace so why shouldn't you?
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